DC's stepmother being abusive about me to my DC

[Sircha]

I have 3 DC with ex, 8, 10 and 14.

Ex and I don't get on well. We separated 5 years ago yet continued to live in the same city, he moved 5 hours drive away 18 months ago to start a new family with his new GF. He went from having DC three nights week to two nights a month.

He pays maintenance but it's not much. I'm often overdrawn. I asked him to contribute to DC's school uniforms last week as they cost a bomb but he's refused. This started a snowballing of ill feeling.

It was his bday last week and his GF got him a photo album filled with photos of their child and her son and barely any of our DC. DC were very upset by this. I messaged him to say they were upset and it was a weird thing to do.

He told me to fuck off, called me mental and told me never to ask him for money again or contact him.

DC spent this weekend with him and say that his GF was calling me a 'fucking stupid bitch' and 'mental' very loudly in the next room so they could hear. They were really upset by this and I'm furious.

What should I do?

Personally I’d stop my dc seeing him, putting them in that situation with the gf swearing and slagging you off, and being in that environment would do it for me.

If he wants to see the dc then let him take you to court.

Do what’s best for the dc is my motto when it comes to stuff like this.

His wife is allowed to give him whatever gift she wants.

Stop facilitating contact
And go to the cms for maintenance

Absolutely she can give him whatever she wants, I have no interest whatsoever unless it's something that has upset my DC, ie a family photos album which they've all but been deleted from.

I wondered whether to stop contact, but I know this would upset DC. I am horrified that they have had to listen to someone being abusive about me.

Girlfriend, Flaming, not wife!!

I would stop contact. Let him ask you why! Sounds like an arsehole and she sounds like a nasty bitch!

But its a gift shes given him. Its not your concern.

Shes not done it to intentionally hurt or "delete" your kids

I would be mad at you too if u told me what i should and shouldn't give to my own husband

Reality is if your kids only go twice a month theres probably not going to be many photos of them...

Gf, wife.. does it make any difference?

Stopping contact is irresponsible and a total over reaction

OP, I suspect that the GF is on Mumsnet or just someone else that’s as big a wanker.

Do the children want to go back?

I said it was a weird thing to do. That was just my opinion. It upset my DC which is why I said something. I wouldn't give DP a photo album with photos of my DC and barely any of his own DD, he would definitely be a bit if I did.

Anyway the point is that she was being pretty vile about me so that my DC could hear.

Thank you for all the replies btw.

Stop contact and go through the CMS for maintenance if you can.

Prick.

Why does everyone on Mumsnet suggest going no contact over any situation that is not ideal?

Your kids shouldn't have to hear negativity about either parent from anyone.
The photo album is a non issue and its not worth getting into an argument over. But the children hearing such disgusting things directed at you is a no go. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion said in anger (shes entitled to be pissed off for you raising an issue in regards to her gift to her partner) but not within earshot of a child.
I would send a text or maybe even call the ex, tell him you're not looking for an argument but to be mindful about talking about you near the children. Its not nice for them to hear that and if this gf is to be a part of his life for the long term then you dont want children having bad opinion or a bad relationship with her because they heard her bad mouth their own mum.

There is zero reason to stop contact. Dont listen to the idiots who would even mention somethin so ludicrous.

Stopping contact is probably not going to help and would likely only escalate bad feeling.
I'm sorry this has happened, OP, and I'm not surprised you're upset. My DP has two girls and we have a baby DD of our own. Never in a million years would I give him a photo album, in front of the older two, which excluded them. And I would never say bad things about their mother in earshot of them, that's completely wrong.

I hope your kids are ok and your ex will reap what he's sowing unless he wakes up and starts acting more like a decent father should.

Agh i forgot to add. Start CMS. You need something solid in place in terms of maintenance.

I completely get this as my dc goes to her dads and says there are pictures of their children up in frames but none of her. It's upsetting to the child. If you have a relationship with someone who has 3 children then you can't just sail off and think you can start a clean slate. The children are part of the family and should be included. I can imagine they feel very hurt. Until it's discussed and apologised for I'd say they won't be coming

Thank you for the replies.

I don't want my DC being cared for by and having to show respect to someone who thinks it's acceptable to call their mother a 'stupid fucking bitch'.

DD said the worst part is that she knew they could hear. What kind of message is that giving the children? I'm really shocked that someone could be so cruel.

Shes not done it to intentionally hurt or "delete" your kids

Actually it sounds like that's exactly what she's done.

I'd not stop contact OP. Not yet anyway. Your children are old enough to have a say and if they still want to go I would let them for now. I'd see how it goes. If it escalates you may have no choice but to stop it though.

What an awful pair they sound, clearly like attracts like.

I think there's blame on both sides here. You're obviously pissed he's moved away and started a new family and you're nit picking on things to cause conflict.

If your kids were upset over a photo album it's your job to make them feel better by talking to them about it and calming their feelings not start a conflict that they are now in the middle of.

The GF was wrong to swear about you in her home but you can't now address the bigger issue now because you've blown it over the smaller one.

Don't stop contact. Encourage the eldest child to talk to their dad about how they feel.

Pick your battles in future and remember it's your kids that suffer the all out.

*suffer the fall out

I had to threaten to stop contact recently. I had a solicitor involved because he would agree to set times to drop off and collect the DC.

He also refused to have them for any time during the holidays (all holidays) and started cancelling visits. Once because it was his baby's birthday that weekend and another because he'd booked to go to a festival with his gf. Those times he saw DC once a month.

The whole time he was being abusive to me in messages. The DC had been through counselling because of his leaving and his ongoing shit behaviour towards them. Enough was enough.

Bambam - absolutely I'm pissed off he moved away, my DC were devastated and cried every night for months. It affected them terribly and I was left to pick up the pieces.

I have a DP who I've been with for four years and we are very happy so please don't jump to conclusions assume I harbour and ill feeling towards my ex in that respect.

*and assume