DC's stepmother being abusive about me to my DC

[Sircha]

I have 3 DC with ex, 8, 10 and 14.

Ex and I don't get on well. We separated 5 years ago yet continued to live in the same city, he moved 5 hours drive away 18 months ago to start a new family with his new GF. He went from having DC three nights week to two nights a month.

He pays maintenance but it's not much. I'm often overdrawn. I asked him to contribute to DC's school uniforms last week as they cost a bomb but he's refused. This started a snowballing of ill feeling.

It was his bday last week and his GF got him a photo album filled with photos of their child and her son and barely any of our DC. DC were very upset by this. I messaged him to say they were upset and it was a weird thing to do.

He told me to fuck off, called me mental and told me never to ask him for money again or contact him.

DC spent this weekend with him and say that his GF was calling me a 'fucking stupid bitch' and 'mental' very loudly in the next room so they could hear. They were really upset by this and I'm furious.

What should I do?

I hope that's clearer for you Martha.

I was just confused

It doesn't take much

I'd explain that your dc are upset with hearing his GF bad mouth you. Tell him it stops, or they don't wish to visit and be around them.

Horrible

Sorry did yiu just say you asked your ex to lay for his own birthday present. That is weird.

It is never ok to threaten to stop contact unless there is a fear or threat of violence.

You were unreasonable to contact ex or his partner about what she chose to give him. None of your business whatsoever. If your kids were truly upset by it you should have dealt with it by explaining that it was her decision to give what she wanted and no reflection as to how their dad felt about them.

It seems clear that they are under no illusion as to how you feel about ex and his new DP which is just as bad as her saying what she did knowing they could hear.

Each time somèone disagrees with you on this thread you argue that you are right so I am unsure whether you are seeking advice or justification.

My advice is to let then get in with it, facilitate contact so your DCs do maintain a relationship with their father and support your kids when the contact has not gone as well as they had hoped for but not by wading in.

Martha - sorry I took it the wrong way, just feeling upset by the whole thing. It's quite complicated I know!

I did message him and he's told me not to contact him. Really disappointing.

Excuse typos - obviously pay not lay

And the others!

The problem with you contacting your ex to tell him how upset the DC is is that you are essentially feeding their upset and justifying it. Now, they do have a right to be upset about the album but that upset is between them and their father and not for you to get involved with.

As hard as it is, you need to be telling them that his partner is of course going to include pictures of their child predominantly because he/she is their child iyswim.

Also, them coming back to you and feeding everything back which happens in their father’s house makes me think that you are asking them about what goes on there and they feel an obligation to give you the most awful details. I’m not saying that those things don’t happen but those things don’t need to be fed back to you word for word iyswim.

If your children are unhappy with what goes on there then they need to be discussing it with their father, not leaving that discussion up to you, otherwise it just looks as if you’re encouraging them which to be blunt, it appears you are.

Cutting contact is only going to make you look bad. Contact isn’t maintenance driven - you do need to go through the proper channels for that, but at the end of the day he is their father and you don’t have a say in what goes on in his house. You presumably wouldn’t like it if he started emailing you to tell you about the things they possibly don’t like about your partner? Even if they were small insignificant things...

And just for reference, I have been where you are. My DC do not get on with ex’s new partner, and the last time DC stayed there sh and ex had a massive row during which she apparently slagged me off. DC told me she had said some pretty nasty things about me, my response has been that her opinions of me can’t hurt me and that I am not demanding of DC’s loyalty as she is the mother of their half siblings. But DC has chosen of their own accord to stop staying there and hasn’t done for over a year now. But that is their decision and has never been fed by me either way. Ex is still DC’s father, whatever I might think of his partner etc.

It’s hard but this tit for tat benefits no-one, least of all the children.

I wouldn't be funding the photo album Op even when you are more flush.

Not nice for your dc to see the other gift album, but not worth almost getting in competition with this kind of thing. To be fair to him, he had no say in his gift, as hurtful as it was for your dc to see.

I'd concentrate on other stuff to distract them from it. Probably won't want to visit much if her behaviour is anything to go by.

Why should you be buying him a gift ? Does he get you one from the kids on your birthday ?

Go though cms to make sure you get the right maintenance

Your Ex is an idiot. His GF is even worse. Empower your eldest to raise the issue...even by text with her dad.

Words to the effect of we heard XX calling mum horrible names very loudly last week and it's upset all of us. Basically what she told you...She should tell him.

If he ignores or fobs her off...she'll have it In writing. That's evidence that can be used later if necessary.

A sensible parent would hopefully apologise that age heard that and speak to his GF.

Regarding the photos...it might have been best to crack on with making one for him from thrm without commenting on it.

How does the GF treat your DC?

The reality is... sone people are just unpleasant. Some of the responses here show how people dismiss how your DC feel and they see no wrong with it. They think the GF can say what she likes in her house...regardless of the impact on your DC.

Nasty people are everywhere... try and get your DC to assert themselves.

Examples like... if we don't twlk someone what's upset us, they won't know

Try and link it to how they'd approach a friend at school. Or even a teacher. It can be harder to speak to adults...but using psychology...like reassuring them their dad loves them and would always want to know if their upset about anything...so they should let him know if something thst happened in his house upsets them.

His GF is out of line. The thing is she knows the kind of dad who would move 5 hours away and reduce contact as he did...isn't a good dad.

She doesn't care about the impact on your DC and neither does he. I would advise that you keep his written abuse documented and retain the abusive texts and emails.

He's the type to blame you for the poor relationship with his kids years later. You can then show them this isnt the case. You'll have proof of all the times he's let them down.

They'll be able to make up their own mind about him.

It's him (and her) not you

Why aren’t you applying for maintenance for the D.C.?

But its a gift shes given him. Its not your concern

Shes not done it to intentionally hurt or "delete" your kids

However it’s very hurtful to the kids.

OP my step mother did similar only it was photographs on the wall. My half brothers were all over them but not a single one of me. My DGM spoke to father about it and SM put a single picture up of me with both eyes shut. It was awful. She was a dick.

I’d ask if they wanted to go back if they said no I’d cut contact and make him go to court. They shouldn’t have to listen to that shit being said about you as it’s bullying towards the kids knowing they can hear.

Their dad sounds like an utter wanker

And to add I actually bloody lived with them. Cowbag she was