DC's stepmother being abusive about me to my DC

[Sircha]

I have 3 DC with ex, 8, 10 and 14.

Ex and I don't get on well. We separated 5 years ago yet continued to live in the same city, he moved 5 hours drive away 18 months ago to start a new family with his new GF. He went from having DC three nights week to two nights a month.

He pays maintenance but it's not much. I'm often overdrawn. I asked him to contribute to DC's school uniforms last week as they cost a bomb but he's refused. This started a snowballing of ill feeling.

It was his bday last week and his GF got him a photo album filled with photos of their child and her son and barely any of our DC. DC were very upset by this. I messaged him to say they were upset and it was a weird thing to do.

He told me to fuck off, called me mental and told me never to ask him for money again or contact him.

DC spent this weekend with him and say that his GF was calling me a 'fucking stupid bitch' and 'mental' very loudly in the next room so they could hear. They were really upset by this and I'm furious.

What should I do?

If your kids were upset over a photo album it's your job to make them feel better by talking to them about it and calming their feelings not start a conflict that they are now in the middle of.

Ex's job too surely? Of course I talked to them about it and sent a private message to ex, between us as adults, explaining they were upset and that I felt it was a weird thing to do. Hardly starting a conflict. Hardly akin to shouting that a child's mother is a 'stupid fucking bitch' in front of the child.

It doesn't sound like he is actually bothered whether he sees your DC or not. Maybe now he lives so far away, it's too much effort, especially as he doesn't even seem to want to pay towards their upkeep or have them during the holidays. Just a deadbeat dad!

I can't believe some people are making out this is all your fault for causing a problem

Op, it's heartbreaking when our dcs are devastated. I would continue talking about it with your dcs, and tell them they can come to you with anything. Monitor the whole situation very closely and be prepared to go back to court. It doesn't sound like a very loving environment for them.

Of course it is his job to reassure them but he’s not going to is he?? He’s not going to magically turn into a good dad when he’s being a twat! So its up to you to smooth it over for them not make it bigger. I disagree that you weren’t causing conflict with your text because you said it was ‘wierd’. It is wierd in your eyes but not in hers so that was goady.

With everything that has been going on (which you did not mention at the beginning) wouldn’t it be better to try to keep things stable by picking your battles rather than making it worse for the kids. If my kids were upset I’d make it my priority to make them feel better not make them feel a whole lot worse by notching up the drama.

If they were upset at him moving away please don’t stop contact. They need to have a relationship with their dad so they get to tell him how they feel. He won’t believe it from you and seems incapable of co-parenting so they (realistically the eldest) needs to tell him the impact its having.

What do your DCs want? That’s really the important thing

The gift from the girlfriend was obviously going to have mostly her child in it with her partner. Surely that can be explained sensitively to your children, op.

Do the children still want to see their dad?

Don’t think I’m not sympathetic btw, although I sound harsh. But you are the only stable figure they have right now. They need you as their constant which I’m sure you are being, but as that constant you need to keep things on an even keel. As frustrating as it is don’t let this smaller battles distract you when you have bigger ones to fight. You are just giving them the ammunition to call you names or what is probably more likely give them a reason to stop contact all together

Do the DC want to see this dad and step and half siblings?

If so, personally I would contact ex and explain that you don't mind them bad mouthing you, you don't have to like each other. She can call you a bitch if she wants....but please keep it out of earshot of kids as it's upset them. Have you already had that conversation?

My DS SM would never exclude ds from a personalised gift so she was out of order for that op and I would have called ex out on it aswell. It sounds as if your poor dc are being put on the back burner, new baby not included there birthday celebrations, moved 5 hours away, reduced contact and verbal abuse about their mother. I’m surprised your eldest didn’t say anything if my ds heard that he would flip. I would keep contact to set days and if he can stick to it then that’s his choice but atleast the dc have a pattern and aren’t messed about.if he doesn’t adhere to it then that’s on him. Go to CM.

She wasn't out of order. There were some photos of the OP's children but the vast majority were her child with her partner which makes perfect sense.

Just to reiterate, I don't care what she did or didn't get him. I care that my DC were there and after everything they've been through the photo album was the icing on the cake for them.

They were understandably upset. If you're going to do something like that at least give it to him in private or when the DC have gone.

I had every right to raise this with ex because and give my option (in private) because our children had been upset about it.

Don't stop contact OP, as annoyed as you are he's their father and has as much right to spend time with your DC as you do.

For what it's worth, I don't think you should have got involved re the photo album, your energy would have been better spent reassuring your kids, telling them not to worry about it and suggesting that their SM obviously has more photos of her own baby and their dad than them. Even if you don't believe that's the truth.

Regarding the SM being abusive, that is a problem but it doesn't sound like bringing it up will do any good as your relationship with your ex is so fractious. I doubt he will take your side and reprimand his girlfriend...potentially she was speaking to him when your DC overheard her.

I think unless your DC are being mistreated, your best bet is to focus on comforting them and reassuring them when they're with you. It doesn't sound like they spend very much time with their dad so hopefully they won't hear too much of what their SM says anyway.

I messaged him to say they were upset and it was a weird thing to do.

You annoyed him by saying that. What they give each other is not your business or your childrens. Why should she have to give a present discreetly? It's her partner. Your children were in it. It's not up to you or your children to dictate how many photos was acceptable.

I'd say it was this comment from you that led him to lose it.

He is still their father and if they want him in their life, I'd steer clear of critisising unless it's absolutely warranted.

I emailed him to say the DC are upset and angry and so am I. I said I was concerned about what they'd heard and it's unacceptable that a child should have to hear someone talking about their mother that way, especially someone they are trying to build a relationship with and who's sole care they are often left in.

He replied "don't email me".

I would be utterly ashamed and furious with DP if it was the other way round. If ex had contacted me privately to say DC were upset by Something DP had done and I found it weird. Then DP had shouted that ex was 'a fucking twat' and a 'a fucking dick' and 'mental' so DC could hear. I'd be furious, who does that?

If I disagreed with what ex had said in the message I'd just ignore his opinion and talk to DC about it and why they were upset, not tell him to fuck off and allow DP to launch a tirade of abuse.

How confident is the 14 yo? Could you help empower them to speak up when visiting their Dad and politely challenge the behaviour?

“Please don’t speak that way about our Mum in our presence. It’s upsetting to us. You wouldn’t want us to talk that way to GFChild about GF and it’s no different”

Or even just:

“We don’t feel welcome her when GF is rude about our mother. It’s very upsetting”

Perhaps if the challenge (as polite and calm as can be managed) came from his child (rather than you) it would resonate with him more?

As tough as it is you definitely shouldn’t have emailed him re the birthday present, I don’t blame him for his response. Yes your children were upset but there were at least some photos of them, they weren’t completely excluded. It’s all about damage limitation, the children saw you were upset about it which may have magnified their reaction.

Are you going through proper agencies for maintenance?
It sounds like he’s vile for the kids anyway if they are in counselling because of his behaviour towards them.
I’d cut contact for that reason only.
I think it was inappropriate and silly for you to contact him regarding the gift. It might have hurt your children’s feelings but you should have explained it’s her gift to him and nothing to do with you or them.

Forgive me if I'm wrong as I'm no expert I'm going off something said in another thread

I'm sure with contact orders it's possible to state that one parent and/or their partner cannot be abusive about the other parent during contact

Also if the DC don't want to stay at his home and would prefer contact without his girlfriend present that can also be court ordered I think, I'm basing that off someone who said their DS hated going to their Dads still wanted contact but refused to stay there.

Thanks all.

Just to be clear I didn't contact him solely about the album. I wasn't planning on saying anything. Basically the DC has decided when they got home that they wanted to make one for him for his birthday with photos of them so he could remember them. I was happy to pay for it to be done as was (stupidly) assuming that he'd help with school essentials.

He refused to help out with costs so I said I couldn't afford to get the album made up and stated the reasons they wanted to do it.

Sorry if that's a drip feed, I didn't think it would be such a focus in my OP!

He told me to fuck off, called me mental and told me never to ask him for money again or contact him.

Why is he not contributing towards his children? You need to go through CMS and claim maintenance.

Unfortunately, you cannot control what this woman says in front of your children. Yes, can imagine it is infuriating, but sounds as though your children have worked out she's not a nice person.

Sounds like a horrible situation though.

It is a little as doesn't really tie up with your Op

'It was his bday last week and his GF got him a photo album filled with photos of their child and her son and barely any of our DC. DC were very upset by this. I messaged him to say they were upset and it was a weird thing to do. '

If it was his birthday last week why were you paying for your dc to make one for 'his birthday' I'm confused.

It was a series of messages between us, with a few different points raised. I put what I felt were the main and important points in my OP so that it wouldn't be long and rambling.

Apologies if it doesn't tie in perfectly. I have done my best to give an accurate picture. Obviously I want a solution to the situation in hand and not one I've made up.

Right.
It was his birthday on the Monday.

He usually only has them for the weekend.

He messaged me to ask whether they could stay for his birthday.

They didn't have a present for him.

I'd meant to get them one before they left but DD has been in hospital, rushed in in an ambulance and had to stay overnight, it was a busy and frantic week.

When they returned they told me what had happened and that they would like to make him one and give it to him next time they saw him, as a 'belated' present.

I agreed to help them make it.

I then couldn't afford to as overdrawn due to school uniform expenses.

The rest is explained in my OP.