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Original poster

Was this assault

56 replies

panicalert · 01/09/2018 14:17

Regular poster. Name changed

Having an argument with dp. I get upset and walk away into the kitchen. He follows me to make sure I'm ok as he didn't realise I was that upset.

I start ranting about how hard I'm trying, how much I have in my plate, how down I've been (waiting 9 months for counselling to start and my counsellor has cancelled twice so I've not even started yet). Had horrible family news yesterday, work from home with 2 young children and work until midnight most nights.

I can feel a panic attack coming on, I'm getting more anxious and upset because he doesn't understand why I'm upset, and I try and leave the room but he is standing with his arms on the doorframes and I quickly try and leave and he doesn't move instantly so I push one of his arms away so I can get out.

I go into the bedroom and he shouts 'brilliant. Physical assault. That's a new one. Can't trust you with the children how you're violent.'

And I'm worried my judgment is clouded but is that violence? There's no way in hell it hurt him and I just moved his arm away so I could duck under it and get out of our tiny kitchen.

Please tell me I'm not suddenly a violent abuser.

I just moved his arm.

OP posts:

StarWarsHolidaySpecial · 01/09/2018 14:21

None of us were there so it's hard to judge but I would consider it aggressive if someone did that to me.

Stormtrooper1986 · 01/09/2018 14:24

Nope not assault - he’s over reacting . He blocked your path and wouldn’t let you pass! No police officer would take that seriously but sounds like there may be more to this?

Creeper8 · 01/09/2018 14:24

Hard to judge but im sure if a man done it people would say it was.

ChelleDawg2020 · 01/09/2018 14:25

Yes, it was assault. At the lower end of things, certainly, but yes violence was used. If you had asked him to move and he had refused, you would potentially have the defence that he was keeping you against your will, but if you just forced your way past him - when he was trying to comfort you for being upset - that's not OK.

strawbery · 01/09/2018 14:25

I wouldn't say so if you are making it clear you want to leave the room and he is intentionally stopping you.

upsideup · 01/09/2018 14:29

Did you not ask him to move before pushing him out the way?
If your child was stood in the door way would you have done the same to them?
I might not go as far as saying it was assult but i think you were wrong and should apoligise. If it was the other way around then you would definately be getting a lot of support on here, somehow I predict you will still manage to get the support.

Anxious2niteaaah · 01/09/2018 14:30

None of us were there so we can't say if it was assault or not..

But for a second imagine you are in a shop doorway talking to someone and someone wants to leave the shop and you don't move your arms down instantly so they push your hands so they can leave...wouldn't that be verging on aggression or assault as they haven't actually done anything to you and you put hands on them...that's what you did to your husband

Couldn't you have just said can you move out of my way please, without resorting to physically grabbing him?..I'd have to admit if someone did that to me I wouldn't be happy about it , I'd consider it rude and bad manners that they couldn't ask and would resort to being physical

Original poster

panicalert · 01/09/2018 14:31

He did come into make sure I was ok. The argument continued. I'm not trying to drip feed but he has a habit of making 'joke' comments and I get upset and offended and then we argue because I can't take a joke.

And this time I flipped because why is it my fault that his comments hurt me, I never know if he's joking or serious. Sometimes I ask. Other times I get upset and try and defend myself and he's annoyed and I should just know he's joking.

I was getting more worked up. We were in the middle of an argument. If it was the other way round I would think it wasn't nice but I wouldn't make out he had abused me. I would think it was rude. I could feel the panic rising and I couldn't speak. That's why I didn't ask him to move.

OP posts:

UpstartCrow · 01/09/2018 14:31

No, he was blocking your exit, and you moved his arm to leave.

You dont block someones exit if they are having a panic attack because this is how they will react.

Original poster

panicalert · 01/09/2018 14:34

Any other time I would of course say 'please move' but I was panicked and felt caged and trapped. Our kitchen is tiny and he was standing in the doorway with both arms out on either side.

I completely accept this is rude and pushy but I felt so trapped and panicked and could feel my heart in my throat and needed to breathe. I know I shouldn't have pushed his arm, in an ideal world I wouldn't have had a panic attack and would have been able to say 'please let me out I need some space to cam down.' But I couldn't.

OP posts:

Polarbearflavour · 01/09/2018 14:35

His comment “Can't trust you with the children how you're violent” seems like a red flag to me!

Not letting you leave a room and saying that...

Bluebolt · 01/09/2018 14:35

It’s an awkward situation, I have had partners who use their physical advantage to block me and it’s extremely intimidating.

Smellbellina · 01/09/2018 14:35

You are not a violent abuser ffs, he shouldn't have used his body as a physical barrier to trap you in the kitchen.

WhatAmISupposedToBeDoing · 01/09/2018 14:38

Tell him if he's going down that ridiculous road, it was false imprisonment him trying to force you to stay in the kitchen when you clearly wanted to leave, and legally you're more than entitled to use force under those circumstances.

staffiegirl · 01/09/2018 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PersianCatLady · 01/09/2018 14:45

An assault is putting someone in fear of being attacked whereas battery is what most people call assault, e.g. physical contact.

I have forgotten the exact terminology but it is in the Criminal Justice Act 1988.

I would say that by these legal definitions, he may have assaulted you if you were in fear of him when he bl9cked your exit from the room.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 01/09/2018 14:46

No you are NOT an abuser and this was NOT assault. Fucking hell, people don't half pedal some bullshit on here! I am sick of people claiming there is parity between the actions of a male and those of a female. The reason it might be classed as violent when a man does this to a woman is because in the majority of cases, he is physically stronger than her and bigger than her and using that advantage to physically disempower the woman. She moved his arm so she could get past. She wanted to leave and he was using his physical presence to prevent her from doing so. Yes, ideally she might have asked him to move but the situation was clearly heated. I would say his reponse about the children was unacceptable too but would guess he was also upset and heated. I think there are probably issues in your relationship OP - it doesn't sound in a good place - but, from what you've written, one of those issues is NOT that you are a violent abuser.

pigsDOfly · 01/09/2018 14:47

From the way you've described it OP calling it an assault is ridiculous and trivialises actual assaults.

Don't let him undermine you and make you feel you're in the wrong. I've had something similar - nothing to do with anything physical - from someone recently and it can seriously unsettle you and make you question your every action.

NotAgainYoda · 01/09/2018 14:51

I wouldn't post problems like this on AIBU because you'll get moronic responses. Relationships might be better, since it might be worth you considering a fuller picture of what's going on. It does not sound like you assaulted him. It sounds like he wants to accuse you of being the one in the wrong. He chose to block your way when you were in a state of panic.

NotAgainYoda · 01/09/2018 14:52

... no disrespect to most people who have replied

PersianCatLady · 01/09/2018 14:53

He is definitely the one in the wrong here

NotAgainYoda · 01/09/2018 14:53

It's an extreme over-reaction of his to bring the children into it and sounds like a calculated move to undermine your confidence and could be construed as a threat

AnnieAnoniMoose · 01/09/2018 14:56

It was NOT assault

Don’t listen to any of the ridiculous posters saying it was. You pushed his arm out of the way so you could get out.

His behaviour is NOT acceptable. Not the ‘joking’, not the blacking you in & certainly not telling you this was abuse and can’t be trusted with the children because you’re violent.

You need to get out of that relationship.

Namechangingfornow123 · 01/09/2018 15:00

What kind of jokes op? Is it more like put downs and when you get upset he twists it to make you seem unreasonable? Why would he keep doing it if he knows it upsets you?

Namechangingfornow123 · 01/09/2018 15:02

From what you said I think he could be emotionally abusing you. No wonder you are feeling down.

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