Was this assault

[panicalert]

Regular poster. Name changed

Having an argument with dp. I get upset and walk away into the kitchen. He follows me to make sure I'm ok as he didn't realise I was that upset.

I start ranting about how hard I'm trying, how much I have in my plate, how down I've been (waiting 9 months for counselling to start and my counsellor has cancelled twice so I've not even started yet). Had horrible family news yesterday, work from home with 2 young children and work until midnight most nights.

I can feel a panic attack coming on, I'm getting more anxious and upset because he doesn't understand why I'm upset, and I try and leave the room but he is standing with his arms on the doorframes and I quickly try and leave and he doesn't move instantly so I push one of his arms away so I can get out.

I go into the bedroom and he shouts 'brilliant. Physical assault. That's a new one. Can't trust you with the children how you're violent.'

And I'm worried my judgment is clouded but is that violence? There's no way in hell it hurt him and I just moved his arm away so I could duck under it and get out of our tiny kitchen.

Please tell me I'm not suddenly a violent abuser.

I just moved his arm.

He's got you on the back foot. You are supposed to care how he feels but he's not supposed to care how you feel. He's got you doubting yourself. I would be thinking about what triggers your panic attacks

Saying you can't take a joke? I think his jokes are more like insults, right? Like people saying you are oversensitive when you get upset by people being rude. Or people saying 'it was just banter' when actually it was plain nastiness.

I agree with Polarbear and other posters that question the wider issues in your relationship..... I would also question why you were having a panic attack because this is exactly how I would feel - panicked, penned in and like I was going crazy because he was completely invalidating and dismissing my opinion /feelings at every turn, all the while twisting and turning around on ME that I was over-sensitive, over reacting etc - with my ex partner who was Emotionally abusive - started out with emotional, psychological abuse eg. gaslighting - trying to get me to doubt my own perception of reality, then it did eventually after I was pregnant and we had a baby, escalate to physical abuse. It started with blocking me in the doorway during an "argument/discussion", then putting his hand over my mouth when he didn't want me to speak, then cupping and pressing the sides of my face, then smashing inanimate objects to frighten me in an "argument" or discussion...when those tactics didn't work to shut me up or make me avoid certain issues ....it then graduate to him slamming breaks on in the car to emergency stop when I was pregnant to frighten me to shut up...squaring up to punch me, grabbing me and throwing me across the room. He was "nice" guy. to everyone else. Always really jokey. And charming. Hilarious. Life and soul of the party to everyone else. Still is and I am the "crazy bitter, depressed ex". Funny I also got in touch with his other ex's a few years after I left him...they were also painted as "crazy, bitter, depressed, unstable, intense".....he once told me one of them jumped out of a moving car in a bikini during an arguement on holiday with him ..now I know why. Those ex's were normal, lovely ..they experienced the same as me. .... I've never had any other boyfriends like this. So I know I did not "drive him to act that way" as he told me I did. I know it wasn't my fault. And I was depressed because of what he was doing to me in that relationship. Yes I had issues to work on...but it doesn't mean he wasn't abusing me and undermining my self esteem throughout.

Definitions of emotional abuse that may relate to your situation: (criticism, namecalling, undermining etc can be in the form of "jokes" - done in a clever way to undermine someone's confidence, chip away at them.)

"- Criticism. This could be things like namecalling or making lots of unpleasant or sarcastic comments. This can really lower a person’s self-esteem and self-confidence.

• Undermining. This might include things like dismissing your opinion. It can also involve making you doubt your own opinion by acting as if you're being oversensitive if you do complain, disputing your version of events or by suddenly being really nice to you after being cruel.
• Being made to feel guilty. This can range from outright emotional blackmail (threats to kill oneself or lots of emotional outbursts) to sulking all the time or giving you the silent treatment as a way of manipulating you.

Sometimes, people wonder whether ‘abuse’ is the right term to describe any relationship difficulties they’re going through. They may feel like their partner shouts at them a lot or makes them feel bad, but think ‘abuse’ would be too ‘dramatic’ a word to use.

But the point of whether behaviour is abusive is how it makes you feel. If your partner’s behaviour makes you feel small, controlled or as if you’re unable to talk about what’s wrong, it’s abusive. If you feel like your partner is stopping you from being able to express yourself, it’s abusive. If you feel you have to change your actions to accommodate your partner’s behaviour, it’s abusive."

Source: www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse

All couples have little tiffs, it sounds like you were having a very stressful time of it generally and I hope you are able to get started on your counselling soon.

How is he normally? Is this behaviour unusual for him? If this was just a tiff the only thing that would really concern me was his comment on trusting you with the kids as its an odd thing to say in a loving relationship.

Hope you're ok OP and feeling a little better now.

Great post by falulah and I agree you should move this to relationships

I still think that if the OP was scared that he was about to hurt her then he assaulted her.

"An assault is committed when a person intentionally or recklessly causes another to apprehend the immediate infliction of unlawful force"

Absolutely not assault!

This word is thrown around far too much.

Sounds like he is gas lighting you

Someone who makes fun of you and who blocks the doorway to trap you in a room is an abuser. He will minimise his actions and try gaslighting you. Keep posting here: the Relationships board is really good. Lots of women here have been through similar things. They can help you keep your sanity.

I would say whether you asked him to move or not, you were probably very clearly trying to get out of the room, so that is nonsense. You were forced to move his arm out of the way. Then he continued to argue, threatening to not leave your children with you because of this made up violence.

There is someone being abused in this situation and it is not him!

I feel like such an idiot. I know damn well that so many things he does is horrible. But he also does so many lovely things.

I read threads in here saying 'my partner would never behave like that!' 'Or my partner would never made me feel that way' and I don't believe it.

I don't believe it's possible to not have these (regular) episodes of grief and arguments and feel so frustrated and confused and hurt.

There are definitely so many things he's done that I know are wrong. But it's very hard to find the guts to accept it.

I don't think he would hit me. I didn't feel physically threatened except felt trapped and pushed upon like someone in my personal space and I can't breathe.

Thank you for everyone's comments. I feel better that I'm not some abusive monster. But I do know there are things he says and does that make me feel like I don't want to be near him and he can be so nasty.

But I have bpd and do tend to overreact. But in my head. I feel that way, I feel all those feelings and it's not an overreaction if it's how I feel.

I have a friend very like you. She hasn't reached the 'line in the sand' yet. Because he hasn't hit her. Yet. But she's recently become aware that her almost constant low-level anxiety is linked to her relationship with him. Evan if he never hits her there's enough that's so dysfunctional. But I think when you're in it it seems like maybe you only see all the other women who are being abused; not the many of us who are not and never have been

And of course neither you nor she are idiots - he's not like it all the time and if he was of course you'd not have any doubts.

Having had my share of panic attacks im imagining it was more of a panicked shove (that fair enough, probably hurt him) so technically assault i guess BUT I feel that word is now being diluted to mean "anything physical towards someone else even just an arm stroke".

In your case I think it was totally understandable and if he is aware you have panic attacks he shouldn't have used his physical build against you to keep you blocked in a room you wanted to leave. Panic attacks are shit and at the time I used to feel like I'd never be ok again, a bit like the worst hangover ever that you feel is never going to get better, horrible feeling.

Total overreaction from him and because of his ridiculous comment I'd be seriously considering the relationship tbh.

Pushing someone’s arm isn’t assault for god sake! I can’t stand the way some men scream abuse at the slightest thing, it minimises the very real violence some domestic abuse victims face.

Hes an utter drama queen at best.

I would say, it's definitely not violence or abuse, he was blocking the way, it was obvious you wanted out.
He does sound like he is abusing and gas lighting you though, if I were you, I'd be looking to leave this relationship asap x

In law, it is undoubtedly assault. Any sort of unwanted touching can be assault. By the sound of it, you needed to do more than move his arm to get past him anyway, you must have pushed past, which makes it even more certain. How serious it was, only you know - you say that you were getting more and more worked up, how sure are you that you didn't use a degree of force?

Gersemi

Well baring in mind I'm 5 foot and have a bone condition that means I'm about as strong as my 4 year old, and he is 6 foot 2. Id bet my life it didn't hurt him at all.

Gersemi

Give over.

You don't need to touch someone to assault them.

Unwanted touching isn't automatically assault.

Legal definition of assault (S39 Criminal Justice Act 1988)

"An assault is committed when a person intentionally or recklessly causes another to apprehend the immediate infliction of unlawful force"

Of course it is NOT assault! Anyone saying that is being absolutely ridiculous! You shoved his arm out of your way to get past - you didn’t punch him or do anything with the intention of hurting him!!

People on here saying it is assault are being totally ridiculous.

At the absolute most you could say it was rude (and I wouldn’t even say that here at all because his behaviour blocking the door etc was antagonistic and making the situation worse) for example if you were in a crowded shop or noisy concert and needed to get out and someone doesn’t move when you are stood there indicating, then you have no choice but to shove past them pushing their arm out of your way - I have done this myself and would label it as rude behaviour if someone did it to me - not assault. People should bloody well move when someone is clearly needing to get though!

He is being provocative and trying to wind you up with his “violence” comment - he is the one totally out of line for coming out with that rubbish and that is something that I wouldn’t be letting go!

If you have BPD, you will know that sometimes your feelings are disproportionate and that you need to work hard not to be controlled by your feelings and when those feelings are appropriate to act upon. From this snapshot, I would say that it was not assault and you are not abusive. I would also say that your DP's comment was unacceptable and manipulative but I would also suggest that if you have BPD which isn't well-managed and controlled, there may be a massive strain on your DP in terms of how he has to compensate for your feelings and reactions - which as you will know, can sometimes dominate to an unacceptable degree. Is your DP at the end of his tether too with how emotionally fraught things are? One things is certain - you didn't assault him based on that snapshot. But all we have here is that snapshot and the fact that you have BPD (is this diagnosed) would suggest there might be a lot more going on here than your OP suggests.

Yes it's diagnosed. 6 years ago.

It is very well managed. I am a completely different person since having children, I have learned how normal people react and how to monitor my reactions to a normal level.

I definitely didn't explode, I tried to explain to him how I saw it and how it made me feel, even know it feels like raw nerves being poked with a pin. I've worked bloody hard to be a good, healthy parent to my kids.

And even though it may feel like the end of the world over something small, I suppress my natural instincts because I know it isn't normal.

Sorry it's touched a nerve about my feels causing him stress and tension as for 5 years, his behaviour has been appalling and I've put up with so much because of his childhood and 'stress'. If anything I think I carry him and act as a barrier between his feelings and the rest of the house.

I think he deliberately "trapped you" in the kitchen knowing you would react - that's why it's called a panic attack. I think he has then been gaslighting you to make you feel like the guilty party.
This relationship sounds unhealthy.

NotAgain, "Give over" isn't a convincing argument.

And the Award for the "Biggest Drama Queen Ever", goes to Op's Partner.

Assault, FFS, what a bellend. Talk about minimising actual assault that happens to people who are actually being abused.