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Original poster

Family Expenses

58 replies

Irinn · 31/08/2018 12:28

Dear All, I'd like to ask you to share your experience and give some advises on next.
My husband and I been married around 1.5 year, we have a 1yo son. I'm not from England and moved here last November, been mom at home and from September I'm starting a new job here. Since November all expenses were on my husband and now he announced me that as I'm going to start working, I have to pay half of the all bills. I'm not agree on that as if I'll do so, I'll have 0 left from my salary. So I suggested to go proportional as my husband's salary is 3-4 times higher than mine and that will leave me around 1000 a month for my own expenses. On what he said "What for do you need that much money??? Thats too much!"... So I'm a bit blown away with that. He didn't pay a penny towards expenses when I was pregnant and when I was abroad for 3 months with the baby on my own and now he is telling me about "partners" and "team". I left my job at home and my carrier opportunities, left my family and friends for being with him here and now I'm hearing that I can't have my own money and if I'm not agree with him, I can get out and rent the place on my own.

Is it really how it works here or I should report financial abuse?

Thanks in advance!
Cheers!

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 31/08/2018 12:32

Who are you going to report financial abuse to?

You can try and talk to him but if he is as unreasonable as you say then really there is only one option and that is to leave him.

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 12:34

Each person having a similar amount of “spare money” is the norm here.

If you look at benefits applications, each part of a couple is considered to have access to all of the money.

It is financial abuse to not allow your partner to have any money.

PersianCatLady · 31/08/2018 12:35

It is financial abuse to not allow your partner to have any money
I agree but what can you actually do about it?

Original poster
Irinn · 31/08/2018 12:44

Thank you! I'll check that link.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 12:46

I hope it helps x

Bibidy · 31/08/2018 12:48

I do think if you earn significantly less then proportional contributions are fairer.

That said, £1000 a month is a pretty generous amount for you to have for personal use after bills etc. I think if my partner put his foot down over contributing more to the mortgage/bills and wanted me to pay the lion's share so that he could have £1000 left just for himself, I wouldn't be too happy.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 31/08/2018 12:51

Both pay all earnings into one joint account you both have access too, make sure you both know what will come out for bills, and decide how much you will save from the joint income, and then equal access to everything else. This is being a team. Both your contributions are equally important if not the exact same amount. There’s no ‘my money’ in a marriage, you’re equal.

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 12:55

I think if my partner put his foot down over contributing more to the mortgage/bills and wanted me to pay the lion's share so that he could have £1000 left just for himself, I wouldn't be too happy.

Did you miss the part where her partner will have far more than this to himself even with proportional payments to the joint bills and wants her to have £0 left?

Original poster
Irinn · 31/08/2018 12:58

I guess nobody would be happy))
Well, roughly my salary is around 2K net a month and my husband's is 7-8K gross a month... So it's not like he is suffering from lack of money. Even if he would continue pay for everything on his own, he would have 2-3K a month left...Plus my own expenses I will cover on my own of course.
I just don't get it. Where I come from, man would die of shame if would ask for money from wife, especially when he has income much higher.

OP posts:
IsTheRainEverComingBack · 31/08/2018 12:59

There’s no need for shame on either side, just sharing. That’s what marriage is, a partnership.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 31/08/2018 13:00

Why do you have your expenses, they’re all both of your expenses.

Original poster
Irinn · 31/08/2018 13:01

Both pay all earnings into one joint account you both have access too, make sure you both know what will come out for bills, and decide how much you will save from the joint income, and then equal access to everything else. This is being a team. Both your contributions are equally important if not the exact same amount. There’s no ‘my money’ in a marriage, you’re equal.

That would be ideal. We don't have joint account yet and he won't be putting there all his money

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 13:02

No reasonable person would think one person having thousands of pounds left for themselves each month and the other having nothing is right.

That’s what your husband wants and he is plain wrong.

Did he give any reason that he thought you should have no money left whilst he has so much? (Not that there could be a good reason)

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 13:03

There’s no need for shame on either side

There is shame in expecting your wife to have nothing left and you to have thousands.

Original poster
Irinn · 31/08/2018 13:04

Why do you have your expenses, they’re all both of your expenses.

I mean my expenses as hairdresser, gym, clothes and so on.

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 31/08/2018 13:06

Financial abuse (where proven) is now illegal under the new Serious Crime Bill amendment I believe ( www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/everything-you-need-to-know-about-the-new-psychological-abuse-law-a6789271.html ).

That aside, we have 1 account that evening goes in/out of. DH and I earn approximately the same most months however he earns significantly more (3 times as much at least) 3-4 months of the year...but our approach to sharing the financial burden (and positives) doesn't change.

Bibidy · 31/08/2018 13:07

Well, roughly my salary is around 2K net a month and my husband's is 7-8K gross a month... So it's not like he is suffering from lack of money. Even if he would continue pay for everything on his own, he would have 2-3K a month left...Plus my own expenses I will cover on my own of course.

Wow, OK, that's a pretty extreme difference. Not sure why he needs to take money from you if he earns that much more?

Are your standards of living fairly equal? I can imagine he must have a lot more luxuries than you if he's earning over 80k and you're in the 30ks.

sosickofthisshit · 31/08/2018 13:08

My stbxh was like this, never wanted to share finances, it was always mine and yours, even though for a long time, I earned more than him. We weren't really a team or a family. His money was his, and mine was his whenever he'd fucked up yet another job. If I were you, I'd tell him either everything is shared family money, or he can fuck off.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 31/08/2018 13:10

HeckyPeck my comment was in reference to OP saying in her country a man would feel shame for asking for money from his wife.

I also get haircuts, buy makeup, get my eyebrows done. It comes out of our joint account, same as my DFs haircuts, socialising, whatever he needs to pay for. You’re a team even if you’re not spending on the same things. Why wouldn’t he get a joint account and share all money? Why doesn’t he want you to be actual partners?

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 13:12

HeckyPeck my comment was in reference to OP saying in her country a man would feel shame for asking for money from his wife

Oops sorry! That’ll teach me to skim read and jump to the defence!

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 31/08/2018 13:13

HeckyPeck no worries Smile

Original poster
Irinn · 31/08/2018 13:23

*No reasonable person would think one person having thousands of pounds left for themselves each month and the other having nothing is right.

That’s what your husband wants and he is plain wrong.

Did he give any reason that he thought you should have no money left whilst he has so much? (Not that there could be a good reason)*

No, he didn't give any reason. He said something about that I'll spending everything on my hair, cloths and make up and we won't have any savings ever. Confused

OP posts:
Adora10 · 31/08/2018 13:26

He's a nasty git, he makes 3-4 times more than you so no the outgoings should not be split 50/50; as for him not supporting you when pregnant, there's your answer, he's a tight fisted horrible man.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2018 13:29

Your H is financially abusing you (and in turn your child) here and like many such men who do not ever want to share is not solely financially abusive. I would also think he will try and actively sabotage your attempt to return to work. The writing was on the wall here re him also during your pregnancy. This is who he really is.

I would think very carefully about your own future within this relationship because there is only one way for you if you stay with him here and that is down. I would plan my exit now from this relationship and rebuild your life without him in it day to day. He won't make it easy for you to leave but it will be worth it for you to do so.