Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family Expenses

58 replies

Irinn · 31/08/2018 12:28

Dear All, I'd like to ask you to share your experience and give some advises on next.
My husband and I been married around 1.5 year, we have a 1yo son. I'm not from England and moved here last November, been mom at home and from September I'm starting a new job here. Since November all expenses were on my husband and now he announced me that as I'm going to start working, I have to pay half of the all bills. I'm not agree on that as if I'll do so, I'll have 0 left from my salary. So I suggested to go proportional as my husband's salary is 3-4 times higher than mine and that will leave me around 1000 a month for my own expenses. On what he said "What for do you need that much money??? Thats too much!"... So I'm a bit blown away with that. He didn't pay a penny towards expenses when I was pregnant and when I was abroad for 3 months with the baby on my own and now he is telling me about "partners" and "team". I left my job at home and my carrier opportunities, left my family and friends for being with him here and now I'm hearing that I can't have my own money and if I'm not agree with him, I can get out and rent the place on my own.

Is it really how it works here or I should report financial abuse?

Thanks in advance!
Cheers!

OP posts:
Original poster
Irinn · 31/08/2018 13:30

*Wow, OK, that's a pretty extreme difference. Not sure why he needs to take money from you if he earns that much more?

Are your standards of living fairly equal? I can imagine he must have a lot more luxuries than you if he's earning over 80k and you're in the 30ks.*

Well, hard to say... I'm just starting to work in September and before that he was buying things for me. I wasn't asking much as most of the time i was at home with baby.
But he is very bad with money, in terms of planning. Almost half of what he earned last financial year he spent on lawyers as he wanted to start a case against one company. So because of that he delayed payment to HMRC and now has to catch up on that every month. So he is not having luxury life at the moment.

OP posts:
Bosabosa · 31/08/2018 13:31

Sounds like he doesn’t want you to have a job/be out of the home, and this is his way of doing it.
Doesn’t sound right or fair to me

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 31/08/2018 13:32

What is attractive about this man? Confused

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 13:35

He can cover all the bills and still have £2-3k spare.

If you gave him £1k (which I personallly think is too much)

You’d have £1k left

He’d have £3-4K. If he can’t make savings out of that he’s obviously incredibly bad with money (or more likely using it as an excuse to try and take your money away)

You’re married with a joint child. In my opinion fair would be:

All spare money after bills (£4-5k) you’ll need to find out how much he actually takes home.

Minus an agreed amount for joint savings (£2-£3k?) make sure you can both access the savings.

Remainder spilt between you 50:50:

£1-£1.5k each.

If he won’t do this then there’s something very wrong.

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 13:36

Ahh missed that last post. I see his is bad with money. Sounds like he wants your money to make up for his bad decisions.

Original poster
Irinn · 31/08/2018 13:41

*Your H is financially abusing you (and in turn your child) here and like many such men who do not ever want to share is not solely financially abusive. I would also think he will try and actively sabotage your attempt to return to work. The writing was on the wall here re him also during your pregnancy. This is who he really is.

I would think very carefully about your own future within this relationship because there is only one way for you if you stay with him here and that is down. I would plan my exit now from this relationship and rebuild your life without him in it day to day. He won't make it easy for you to leave but it will be worth it for you to do so.*

Yes, you are totally right - he didn't want me to go back to work. Not like he was forbidding it, but was telling often that "we will discuss that (me starting working)", "we will need to discuss if you should accept the offer" and other things like that.
I didn't see that being written on the wall:( I was in love with him and was dreaming about happy family, not imagining that I will have to explain why I want a new dress.

I'm thinking about leaving him, but I don't really know how to that right as we have a baby, who is British and I'm not. BTW I told him few times earlier (because of different matter) that I'll leave him and he told me that he will take the baby from me then.

OP posts:
30kperannum · 31/08/2018 13:42

Our family income is almost identical to yours, we do it proportionally, roughly, there's no formal arrangement. We both make savings every month.
But if you're married, and separate, he will have to make a financial settlement, which effectively means you'll get half of his property/assets etc anyway, as well as contribution to your child.
I don't understand why anyone would be like this- is he worth the effort? Do you love each other? Does he love your child?

30kperannum · 31/08/2018 13:44

Sorry, cross-post there. He can't take your baby! Doesn't matter if you're British or not, or if baby is British etc
He can legally seek 50/50 contact/ shared care etc. But it's likely just an empty threat.

30kperannum · 31/08/2018 13:46

Oh, and he could force through a court order to prevent you taking baby abroad, but as you have a job, you can obviously support yourself, so presumably don't need to return home if he turns litigious.
Only you know which way you want to go forward- good luck! Thanks

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 13:49

rightsofwomen.org.uk

These people (all qualified lawyers) can give you information about your rights to stay in UK/whether you could return home with the baby if you leave him OP

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2018 13:51

Irinn

re your comment:-

"Yes, you are totally right - he didn't want me to go back to work. Not like he was forbidding it, but was telling often that "we will discuss that (me starting working)", "we will need to discuss if you should accept the offer" and other things like that.
I didn't see that being written on the wall I was in love with him and was dreaming about happy family, not imagining that I will have to explain why I want a new dress".

Thought he did that sadly; these men always but always try and sabotage their chosen target's attempts to go back to work. He is really trying to undermine you here and he knows it as well. He is really using his power and control here in this relationship against you.

"I'm thinking about leaving him, but I don't really know how to that right as we have a baby, who is British and I'm not. BTW I told him few times earlier (because of different matter) that I'll leave him and he told me that he will take the baby from me then".

Seek legal advice from the likes of the Rights of Women organisation in the UK and look at Solicitors in your local area. See one or two and see what they have to say.

Abusive men always but always say something to the mother along the lines of "they will take the child away from the mother" just as yours has done here. Its all part of their overall modus operandi and well worn script. He has said that to hurt you and to further control you and has said that to keep you further in line and in the hole he has dug for you. He does not give a fig about his child either if he makes such a threat to you as this child's mother.

Womens Aid as well can and will help you leave his coercive control of you. Please call them on 0808 2000 247

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 13:53

Oh, and he could force through a court order to prevent you taking baby abroad,

He could try, but it wouldn’t necessarily be agreed by a judge. If your family/support network are back in your home country or you’d have better career prospects or wouldn’t be allowed to remain in the U.K. for example then a Judge might agree for you to return home if that is what you want to do.

Original poster
Irinn · 31/08/2018 13:55

What is attractive about this man? confused

Hehh... nothing much anymore. But as they say "love is blind", he was different and I was in love with him. Also we were living in different countries most of the time and started living together only after baby was born. And there all that started...:(

OP posts:
Original poster
Irinn · 31/08/2018 13:58

*rightsofwomen.org.uk

These people (all qualified lawyers) can give you information about your rights to stay in UK/whether you could return home with the baby if you leave him OP*

Thanks))

OP posts:
Original poster
Irinn · 31/08/2018 14:00

Womens Aid as well can and will help you leave his coercive control of you. Please call them on 0808 2000 247

Thank you!)

OP posts:
civicxx · 31/08/2018 14:11

Hi @Irinn :)

This is currently the talk in our household.
We are trying for baby number 2 & first baby together! :) we both work on a very good wages at the moment but it is likely after having a baby I will take around a 50% pay cut from 36k to around 17k. I have said to other half that it would not be fair for me to pay 50% of the bills when I earn half is wage & that really it should be 75/25% split, think he felt a bit miffed as he would have less money, however a talk about does it really matter who has what in the bank as long as the bills are paid & we have all we need he has came to realise that it would be ridiculous for me to pay half as I'd only be coming to him for money for everything else!

HeckyPeck · 31/08/2018 14:14

Civic, please read the thread. OP’s DH has threatened to take her baby away and wants her to have no money.

It has gone beyond taking at this point.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 31/08/2018 22:26

Irinn how are things now? Have you been able to discuss this?

Goldilocks3Bears · 31/08/2018 22:35

OP - sounds like he’s a mess with money so you need to check what he actually has. You don’t have joint accounts and you have no visibility of his earnings or spend.

My suggestion is that you don’t give him access to your own accounts but get a joint account for household expenses so you can see these.

I’d also quietly start saving up if I was you.

crimsonlake · 01/09/2018 02:02

Nothing sucks the romance out of a relationship as much as the finances. Beware of the future with this man, I would be planning my escape route.

Original poster
Irinn · 01/09/2018 07:22

IsTheRainEverComingBack Things now are the same, we are not discussing it anymore. We actually don't talk at all as we had a huge fight 3 days ago, which started with this topic and ended up him saying that he actually didn't want to marry...Confused But thats different topic

OP posts:
Original poster
Irinn · 01/09/2018 07:25

Goldilocks3Bears
Thank you for advice, we definitely will get joint account for shared expenses.
And, yes, I also feel like I need to make savings to be able to move out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Irinn · 01/09/2018 07:45

Nothing sucks the romance out of a relationship as much as the finances. Beware of the future with this man, I would be planning my escape route.
There would be even no relations if he would behave the same at the beginning)) Making a back up plan already)

OP posts:
cptartapp · 01/09/2018 08:23

He won't take the baby if you split. I guarantee my life savings he won't even go for 50/50. Men rarely do, they're not interested. I suspect you'll be a single parent in the very near future.
My DH earns 3-4 times what I do and we each pay a % of our salary into a joint account for bills and spend the remainder of our 'free' money individually as we wish. Thats fair and was discussed before we married and had DC. I take it you didn't?
He's an arse. Good luck to you.

HeckyPeck · 01/09/2018 09:10

I’m glad you’re making a back up plan OP. Good luck!