Is it possible to fall out of love with the perfect DH

[trustyourself]

Together for 11 years, married 4 years, 2 primary school aged children. He is the perfect husband but I feel like I have fell out of love with him, he is like a best friend rather than husband. I feel so horrible and mean like if I end things I will ruin his life, I know he will be heartbroken, but it's really getting me down, it's making me depressed, I cry most nights, I cry in the bath.
I don't know what to do?

Have counselling together. Don't break the family up before getting help and communicating.

Why do you feel like you don't love him anymore?
Has anything happened recently to make you re-think things?
Do you think counselling would help.
2 young kids does not help a relationship.
Are you setting time aside for the 2 of you?
Do you both have time out for yourselves?
Your own hobbies?

To be honest I have felt like this for a few months but just tried to get on with it for the sake of the children, and him.
Both work, don't really get much time to ourselves so one or the other will watch children while the other does their thing like gym, football, pub. It's like we live separate lives. I really don't want to try counselling I'm not good at talking

Some people thrive on routine and repetition as it gives them a sense of security and being grounded.

Others need excitement and a certain degree of unexpectedness to keep the relationship going.

You seem to be in the second category. One option is to try new things together once in a while.

I think 10 years into a relationship seems to be a time for dissatisfaction. It could be down to how you are feeling, especially if you tend to repress your emotions.

How old are you?

I'm 37. Just can't see the way I am feeling changing, been trying to fight it for a few months

Have you told DH how you feel?

It sounds like you know what you want and you don't want to try to resolve this or save the relationship.
And that is fine. This is your life and you get one shot at it so you do what is best for you.
But... if you do think you want to try to save it then you are going to have to talk!!!
Nothing gets resolved by burying your head.

Well if he’s ‘perfect’ and you’ve only felt like this for a few months I think it’s worth hanging on in there and seeing if there’s anything you can do to improve things. How does he feel?

You’re going to have to try to talk - either way, you’re going to have to open up to him, and your DC if you do separate.

Do you spend time together, just the two of you? Coffees, regular date nights, gym etc? It doesn’t always need to be a big event, just a regular 30 minutes together a week. You don’t even need to go out. Just talk when the DC are asleep, turn off the tv and talk.

I did this with my (now ex) DH - he really was a great husband and exceptional father to our 3 DC. I was your age too when I first started to think that I couldn't bear to be with him for the rest of my life. It took another 10 years before we reached the point of having a totally honest conversation as the children were about to start leaving for uni etc and he was the one who said 'The thought of being here with just you makes me horrified - I dont enjoy being in your company any more'

We did try counselling - well, it was his 'counsellor' (alternative therapy/religious/meditation type one) who saw us together and got us talking but ex really couldn't understand why I felt as I did and, as he admitted, couldn't be bothered to change!

We are both with other people now, still amicable between us but I dont feel anything when I see him

I guess my advice would be to tell him how you're feeling as he may be feeling similar. Dont try to second guess his feelings or emotions or you may come to the point I did and he will surprise you!! Trust me - however much you feel the relationship is over, it really really hurts when the other person agrees and admits they dont want you.

I'd hate my OH to say it's over. Initially the shock, then the thought of living my life without them in it. I think it would shatter my imagined future....

I think you should tell him what you wrote here instead of just suddenly telling him it's over or anything.

I think 'I'm not good at talking' is the most cowardly cop out I've ever heard. You are able to talk and at the very least you owe it to your family to at least try to talk about what the issue is before taking any action.

A few months is nothing.

I'd spend more time together to connect, the separate lives thing can be fixed. You do have to work at relationships to keep the connection.

Not being good at talking is not a good reason not to try counselling.

Take the next two years to do three things. 1. Improving your own leisure time/sense of outside family 2. Encouraging your dh to pursue similar 3. Put some work into your relationship and connection. A best friend is worth keeping, surely. Don’t throw it away without trying.

Dips and mid life downers are very common, but if you can ride them out together then later life happiness often follows. And honestly, there’s a lot worse out there.

So OP if you end your relationship and enter in to another relationship which in time becomes a bit 'samey', a bit run of the mill, what are you going to do then?

Saying 'I'm not good at talking' as an excuse not to work hard at saving your marriage comes across as quite selfish to me, OP. I have severe anxiety but I would still do the same if I needed to do what's best for my family.

Are you sure you’re not depressed?

That can make you question everything and think things are shut. If you were and we’re treated you could find that things got much better

I think OP has had her head turned!

I think 'I'm not good at talking' is the most cowardly cop out I've ever heard.

This. You have children and a man you once loved. Don't be so selfish. Try to fix things.

I think you’ve already made up your mind but you want to be told it’s ok to leave him.

If you were childless I would have no hesitation in telling you to go but you owe it to your kids to try counseling.

Like I said though, you’ve already made up your mind.....

But silly to presume I've had my head turned. Do people do separate without having their head turned

This is fairly common. The majority of people put on their big girl pants and put up with it fir the sake of their children. Sometimes lovey dovey feelings come back. Sometimes they don't. Does it really matter that much? If it is making you feel depressed then you may have some kind of imbalance (this would also explain your sudden change in feelings) and I would suggest seeking medical attention. If its just made you unhappy then I suggest you find other ways to feel happy. Its not healthy to be dependant on a partner for your happiness like that.

I think it would be tragic to end a non abuisve marriage where young children are involved.