Is it possible to fall out of love with the perfect DH

[trustyourself]

Together for 11 years, married 4 years, 2 primary school aged children. He is the perfect husband but I feel like I have fell out of love with him, he is like a best friend rather than husband. I feel so horrible and mean like if I end things I will ruin his life, I know he will be heartbroken, but it's really getting me down, it's making me depressed, I cry most nights, I cry in the bath.
I don't know what to do?

OP, are you sure you’re telling us the whole truth? If he’s the perfect husband, what is it that’s putting you off?
All you’ve written is that you’re in a mood and unhappy. What are the reasons behind these feelings?

Is it definitely that you are unhappy with your husband rather than a general depression?

Have you given any thought at all to the effect on your kids of breaking up their home? Or on your DP of separating him from his children? It seems to be all about you getting what you fancy.

Why can't some posters just give constructive advice without being snippy about it.

Forget it OP, clearly your DC and DH's feelings all come before yours. Do the right thing, keep yourself last and stay unhappy for everyone else's sake. That will make a pleasant living atmosphere for everyone.

I'm unhappy at home, although it's been longer than a few months, my DCs do notice my mood and the negative atmosphere because DH tells me. They've also told me that DH is grumpy too. I don't believe them living in a negative atmosphere just to keep the family together will do them any good in the long run.

Do you think op should put herself first aspie?

Because yes, with young kids, you do come last. That’s how it is.

I think you owe it to your husband to go to counseling. He can’t be all things to you and I think you need some help for your depression.

I would recommend counseling for yourself and also marriage counseling together.

Having a young family is extremely hard. Stuff builds up and whether you like talking or not, it has to come out.
Think of every little annoyance, every little thing that has built up over the last few years, every one of them is like a piece of popcorn and you are the pot. It’s all popping around in side of you, every time something else happens, the pot is filling up more and more. One day it will explode and all come out wrong and you won’t be able to fix it.

Go to counseling and clear out some of the pot and you can start filling it back up with good stuff again with your husband.

AspieHere yes, actually - I think that if you choose to have a child/children, then their needs (not necessarily just feelings, but their security and welfare) DO come above your own. If, as the OP says, her DH is a 'perfect husband' and hasn't done anything to cause this sudden cooling of his wife's feelings, then yes; I think she should be considering his feelings as well as her own. Splitting up will mean that he sees his kids a lot less than he does now - what has he done to deserve that, when she's not even willing to try saving the marriage by going to counselling, because she's "not good at talking"?

I for one wasn’t trying to be snippy but I do think op wanted validarion for potentially leaving her dh (not a criticism op) when I think it might ultimately be more helpful to think of how she felt when they married and had kids, what’sdifferent now?

A friend of mine felt this way for about 6 months. She's back to being mad about her DH. I don't think a few months is a long enough time to call it a day in a 10 year marriage. Communicate with your DH. He may not know how you're feeling. Good luck

I personally would give it 6 months to a year and go all in, really work at the marriage, go to therapy together or individually and if you've tried everything then go ahead and leave.

BUT I think it's possible you have met someone who has precipitated this, as it all seems quite sudden and groundless. Even if you don't want to admit that here.

It sounds like this is a common thing. My OH has recently told me she feels the same way, after 10 years together and 2 kids. But shes felt like this for 2 years. She says i haven't done anything wrong she just sees us as friends. She has agreed to go to counseling but its clear she thinks its pointless. Is there anyone who has been through this and managed to work things out and reignite the spark?

Just sounds like typical midlife doldrums to me. I know so many women who left for similar reasons and lived to regret it.

'Staying for the kids' is wrong imo, but only after you've explored every possible avenue.

The 'happy Mum happy kids' thing has been proven as nonsense. If there is no abuse in the home, kids do better on every possible indicator if their parents stay together.

You should jeopardise that security only after exhausting every option, not a few months of mulling it over.

Following with interest

From experience there are always ups and downs as PP says - work on yourself: interest, health, education, craft , kids fun activities whatever makes you excited

Do you really think the grass is going to be greener elsewhere? What is it that you are looking for exactly? And would that thing be worth tearing apart all of your lives?

Sometimes life does get a bit monotonous. You can't have that 'first rush' feeling forever. And, like anything in life, sometimes you have to work at a marriage if you want to make it work. Most couples will come across this at some point in their relationship.

What is it that has made you 'fall out of love' with him? Are there things you could think of to do together, new things, that could help?

Posted to early - once you feel good about yourself , you feel happier all round. A case of doing the actions creates the positive feelings in the relationship. A daily gratitude journal helps or greeting involved in a bigger purpose outside if your life.

I think counselling or some kind of proactive plan is key here.
I felt like you did, it set in very gradually over a number of years and I buried my head in the sand. But our marriage suffered as a result and the outcome of that was my exDH having an affair, then leaving me and DC for her and her 4 DC. It was bad for me but devastating for my DC and still is, nearly 10 years on.
Please don't ignore the feelings. In my case, they didn't go away on their own and over time got worse and worse.

I think it's worth trying to start doing some fun stuff together. A sport or an activity that you do together that you can talk about and laugh together with. Then also start cooking together with a glass of wine etc. Often when children come you both just become employees working shifts so it's difficult to maintain the relationship.

@Ash789

Apparently doing novel things together can ignite the spark?

I don’t think OP wants her relationship to work.

A lovely and down to earth counsellor (ex top agony aunt) told me to start thinking of your H as ‘a part of your life’ Not ‘the whole of your life’ because she said to me that those who were totally overinvested were the most devastated when stuff turned to crap. She said far too many women bought into this perfect family, lovely home, perfect DH scenario , it was a bit Disney and real life was a nasty shock for many and depression crept in when they realised it was actually more like Groundhog Day in even some good relationships. She also advised that women who want to leave should be viewing it as maybe a life on their own and look at how they felt about that with no kids there etc, how did they feel about that, because if they felt ok about that then another good relationship was a bonus and not the be all and end all .

@yetmorecrap I couldn't agree more about the alternative to a relationship being alone. I'm grappling with 'should I stay or should I go?' at the moment and I'm trying to think of going as being single. If I think being alone and single would be preferable to my current situation, then I should go.

I think a lot of people in non-abusive relationships leave because they meet someone else. Maybe that's just human nature, I don't know.