Is it possible to fall out of love with the perfect DH

[trustyourself]

Together for 11 years, married 4 years, 2 primary school aged children. He is the perfect husband but I feel like I have fell out of love with him, he is like a best friend rather than husband. I feel so horrible and mean like if I end things I will ruin his life, I know he will be heartbroken, but it's really getting me down, it's making me depressed, I cry most nights, I cry in the bath.
I don't know what to do?

Perfect is hard to live with I think. It sounds like you need to prioritize some time as a couple. Even when your in love I think you need to work on your marriage, to have time when your partners not just parents.

It's definitely possible to fall out of love with the perfect DH when DC are small. And to fall back in love with him too.

You really need to make some time for each other. Start by telling him you want him and you to have more fun together. Go to the pub or for a walk and discuss some stuff you've always wanted to do - small stuff, big stuff, easy stuff and challenges. Listen to each other's ideas. Promise to try and do one of the easy things every two weeks and start working towards the tougher stuff together.

Ask him to surprise you by choosing soemthing from your list one week for a date or a surprise and you choose something from his the following week. Honestly, this stuff can be tiny - like going to a local comedy gig together or cooking a new dish together or getting a neighbour to keep an eye on sleeping DC for just one hour while you go for a walk at sunset or train for a long run or bike ride together.

Try and talk about stuff not related to DC for about 10 minutes every day. Just ask his opinion on stuff you've seen on the news or buy a CD instead of downloading music to your phone which only you can hear, and play it and chat about it. Spunds a bit artificial at first but you soon start getting interested and surprised by what your partner is interested in and what you can both do together.

We did talk about it a couple of months ago and things went okay for a few weeks, but I'm back to how I was feeling again.
We went away for a few days without children in June and I hated the whole time, couldn't wait to get home.
I do suffer with mild depression but surely this won't be making me have these feelings

What’s the alternative? Do you think you would be happier as a single parent?

Promiseme I honestly do. I think my mood would improve

And how about your children?

Your mood might improve temporarily because of the adrenalin rush of the new situation. But weepy, insecure DC, the long term financial stress of being a single parent and the fallout of smashing up a marriage for no good reason really won't help your depression long term.

Why do people think marriage is all about romantic love? It's a partnership, raising children and taking care of the family and each other. Sounds like together you are doing a reasonable job of that and you now need to focus on looking after yourself and helping yourself be happy. That really doesn't mean smashing up what's stable and healthy for DC.

Sorry you are getting some snippy replies rather than good advice OP. Your feelings are your feelings. You cannot help them.

Do you love your DH? That's what it really boils down to, no matter how 'perfect' he is.

I think when you have dc you should try everything you can to repair a relationship before resorting to separation.

Saying 'I'm not good at talking' and thinking about things for 'a few months' seems quite pathetic really. I've probably spent longer trying to choose new curtains than you've spent reflecting on a ten year relationship.

If you loved him once, and he is indeed a perfect husband, it is certainly possible to reconnect if you are both committed to that.

If you have already reached your decision, tell him sooner rather than later and stop wasting his time.

You say he is perfect. what makes him perfect? What don't you like about him?

Based on what little you have said, I would say it sounds like midlife crisis / general discontent kind of stuff which you could work through longer term - but really it would be helpful to know more.

I am surprised you are thinking of ending a marriage after just a few months of unhappiness.

Agree that 'a few months' isn't long where a long term relationship with children is concerned, and that 'I'm not good at talking' is a poor excuse for not wanting to work on things. What have you done to try and improve matters in the last few months? There are some good suggestions here.

Also, why do you think you'd be happier as a single parent? What is it about that that would make the situation better? Genuine question as the 'perfect' bit makes out there's no problem with your DH at all.

No-one is perfect, including your husband. I used to think my soon to be ex husband was perfect. But I had been unhappy with him for years. He was a good actor. So was I, probably.

Follow you gut instincts. They are usually right. In the end, things will turn out for the best.

Good luck!

Follow your instincts? I don't agree in this case. Feelings do change. Remember when you fell in love with him? And thought that would never change? It did. Ans these feelings you're having now may change -or may not. You simply have not Yet put enough work into trying to think through what you are feeling and why.

my wife has just done similar to me, again about 14 years together two young children
moved out
we just came back from holiday with just the two of us and the only explanation i seem to get is "we are in the friend zone and i dont see us getting out of it", she has been feeling this way for about 7 months or so but has waited until recently do do something
has now moved out
really upset me as i cant see what i can do to "win her back"

trytobe Sorry to hear that. I really have such a low opinion of people who prioritise genital excitement and romantic whooshy feelings above the stability of their children and above respect for a loving, de3cent spouse. It's my pet hate. I hope you wife comes to her senses but if she doesn't, you're well rid of someone whose attitude is that shallow. Lazy people blame stable marriages for their unhappiness instead of working hard to find excitement and fulfilment within their own lives.

You need to remember that whilst 'being in love's is a feeling, love is an action. When you marry someone, you make a vow to stick with them through thick and thin and the reason for this is that feelings change, situations change, health changes, bodies change, finances change but understanding all of that, you pledge to make a go of things. Try and start behaving like you care about him. Do not worry about not wanting to rip his clothes off. Think of what you have achieved together, good memories, your precious children. Do you really want to throw that away?? Not wanting to talk it through is not good enough. If he has been decent and kind, you owe it to him to at least try and work through this.

@MinaPaws

'I really have such a low opinion of people who prioritise genital excitement and romantic whooshy feelings above the stability of their children and above respect for a loving, de3cent spouse. It's my pet hate. I hope you wife comes to her senses but if she doesn't, you're well rid of someone whose attitude is that shallow. Lazy people blame stable marriages for their unhappiness instead of working hard to find excitement and fulfilment within their own lives.

I couldn't agree more and I see this happening a lot. Very sad.

Also in agreement withmina

I think OP, we are trying find other reasons here.
You say he's perfect.
But you are unhappy to the point of becoming depressed.
You don't want to work on it or talk about it.
So what is happening to make you feel like this?

Great to see that others who clearly have no idea what it's like to live in an unhappy marriage giving advice. It's not always easy to say stay because of the children and basically be unhappy forever. There have been many posts on MN where posters knew their parents stayed together for their sake and they wished they hadn't because of the unhappiness and atmosphere in the house.

@AspieHere
Thanks for your post. I honestly think I would be a better parent as I would be happier. Children must be able to tell how unhappy I am and my mood

You mean ‘happy mum, happy kids’?

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but I think this is nonsense. With that being said, obviously you don’t want to be miserable either.

My concern is that if you were to leave the disruption would be such that you may find yourself very unhappy. Limited finances, kids away for half of the time, and inevitably one of both parents meet someone else.

I don’t know OP. It’s your life but I don’t think you can pretend this is a positive move for your children.

But what is it about single parenting that you think would improve your mood? What does your husband actually do that contributes to your depression? That's what we're trying to get at. You don't seem to want to think about that.

Please be careful here. I have read heartbreaking posts over the years by women who left marriages that were the way you describe and they say that it was the worst mistake of their lives.

If there is no abuse - and I mean subtle or overt emotional, mental, financial, physical - then I agree with the posters who argue that it is worth putting effort into yourself and your marriage first to see if it can be a relationship that is successful for you. If you don't want to try counselling because you are not good at talking it is a good chance that your marriage is not what you need or want at the moment because you are not good at talking, but if you got help to learn to communicate it could get a lot better. If you can't communicate effectively you run a high risk of any future relationship having major troubles in any case.