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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So would you tell ?

63 replies

skinkymalinki · 29/08/2018 00:26

So ... I met a man on a website

We had an intense thing for a few months . Intense messaging . Amazing sex ....etc etc ...

So it turns out he is in a relationship and had lied.

I haven’t seen him since I found out.

Would you tell his girlfriend?
They are mid 40s with no children. Not married but been together over 15 years.
I think she should know what a lying shit she is with .....but is it my place to tell,her ?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 29/08/2018 00:29

No it's not. Maybe she knows what he's like anyway Just stay clear.

Original poster
skinkymalinki · 29/08/2018 00:33

She puts public FB posts about her and her ‘boyf’ With photos of them .
I think she has no idea .

I feel sorry for her .

OP posts:
TiredPony · 29/08/2018 00:34

Why should he get away with it?

user1486956786 · 29/08/2018 00:37

So on the fence with these dilemmas! If I was the girlfriend 100% I'd want to know but I also hate drama and wouldn't want to be the shit thrower.

Original poster
skinkymalinki · 29/08/2018 00:42

I am completely torn.

If it was my partner I would 100% want to know.

I have a lot of photos etc as ‘evidence ‘

OP posts:
Aswad · 29/08/2018 00:46

Tell her. She's wasted enough years on the loser and deserves to know

esk1mo · 29/08/2018 00:49

maybe contact her from a fake/anon profile, not your real one, so you dont get dragged into shit

Rebecca36 · 29/08/2018 00:50

Don't tell her. He was in the wrong but for all you know, he may have decided to be committed to her so telling her wouldn't help anyone.
If he hasn't turned over a new leaf he'll do it again and she'll find out eventually.

Mrstobe90 · 29/08/2018 00:54

I personally would tell her but from a fake profile. If you're going to send photos as evidence, make sure you remove your face from them first.

Original poster
skinkymalinki · 29/08/2018 00:56

I found out as she has a very public fb profile and clearly has no idea of his ‘ excurricular ‘ activities .
They both had a very searchable profession .
She frequently posts about how much she loves her ‘boyf’

I feel so torn. She needs to know but I have zero interest in getting involved in the shitstorm

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 29/08/2018 01:00

Even with the fb activity she could know. Social media is just someone telling their friends/family/the world what they want them to know/see.

But if I were her I would want to know. But also know that there are many that would shoot the messenger so agree anonymously might be best.

lavenderhoney · 29/08/2018 01:22

What on earth would you say? I don't see how you can tell her then just ghost her.
She might not want to know. If you've been public about your relationship, tagged him on fb etc thinking he is single and you are in a relationship with him, then she probably does know.

What if she just ignores you? He might delete your message and you'll never know what happens, unless she asks him to leave and he contacts you for a new place to stay. Would you? Do you think he would be cross if you contacted her? And want you instead?

HereIgoagainxx · 29/08/2018 01:59

Of course you can tell her and ghost her. Put all your info in one email, including photos and send. Say that you are using a fake email or whatever as this is all you want to say on the matter. Put in dates , everything you can think of.

If she chooses to believe you, good. If not, the seed has been planted.

I'd want to know in her shoes, but everyone on here is going to have their own opinion.

I hope you are ok. What an awful thing he did to you. How did you find out? Does he live with her? It baffles me how people can cheat and get away with it. Where did his partner think he was when he is suddenly not around? How often did you see him?

Original poster
skinkymalinki · 29/08/2018 07:42

We had a fairly casual relationship .
He told me he was divorced and lived alone .

That is clearly not the case . She is all over social media with her hobby and job and has public pages .

OP posts:
MilkshakeMonkey · 29/08/2018 08:03

I would tell her. She deserves to know, if she already does then no harm done.
The number of people on here who have a feeling but want proof. You can give her that. I doubt your the only one he’s been shagging - his poor partner

ShatnersWig · 29/08/2018 08:05

I found out as she has a very public fb profile and clearly has no idea of his ‘excurricular ‘activities . They both had a very searchable profession

So, what you just happened to find her profile and just happened to see his photos on there?

cakecakecheese · 29/08/2018 08:08

I suppose you could send her a link to his dating profile from a fake fb account but I don't know if that's a good idea. I usually advise against this sort of thing as it would be obvious to him that you sent it and could cause you all kinds of bother.

Jojoanna · 29/08/2018 08:11

No I wouldn’t.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 29/08/2018 08:13

No I would move on. By getting involved in this you're staying connected to him when you don't have to be.

WeAreAllScientists · 29/08/2018 08:47

If I was the girlfriend I would want to know. If you have some evidence, I'd try and send it anonymously. You haven't done anything wrong, he duped both of you and she deserves to know that her relationship is a lie. You and the girlfriend deserve better.

twilightsaga · 29/08/2018 08:49

I would tell her. And I'd want to know if it was my partner. He could be putting her sexual health at risk

WeAreAllScientists · 29/08/2018 08:49

Just wanted to add, I'd tell the girlfriend out of respect to her not in vengeance to him.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/08/2018 08:50

I would want to know.
It was horrible when I found out about my ExH affair and no-one had told me. I felt very betrayed.
But.... they were friends and she have told me.
In this case, you aren't her friend.
I wouldn't want to be the one to tell.
But I would want to know.
Catch 22!

Beaverhausen · 29/08/2018 08:52

Hmmm difficult are you going to tell because you want revenge on him because he was "sooooo amazing"? What would you be getting out of telling her other than revenge.

But then again she probably deserves to know what a shit he is and if you have proof like his OLD profile and any text or email comms between the two of you then yes. But ultimately you will be basically be ruining 15 years for this woman, oh I don't know one side says yes the other says no.

Do what feels right for you but remember you will probably face some backlash from her and her friends etc and most definately be called a psycho stalker by him.

NadiaLeon · 29/08/2018 08:53

Let it go and do not contact either of them. I know the drama of it is appealing, but be the better person and stay away.