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Original poster

So would you tell ?

63 replies

skinkymalinki · 29/08/2018 00:26

So ... I met a man on a website

We had an intense thing for a few months . Intense messaging . Amazing sex ....etc etc ...

So it turns out he is in a relationship and had lied.

I haven’t seen him since I found out.

Would you tell his girlfriend?
They are mid 40s with no children. Not married but been together over 15 years.
I think she should know what a lying shit she is with .....but is it my place to tell,her ?

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 29/08/2018 17:38

what if she got super angry and stabbed him? all kinds of things can happen which you would have no control over and if it happened would you feel partly responsible?

This is like saying you don’t report seeing a crime in case it back fires or report public DV in case it gets worse or child abuse.

You are not responsible for either of their actions, only your own. It’s up to you if you tell or not but you are not accountable for how they react as he is the only one that has caused it. None of it would be happening if he hadn’t...

Reaa · 29/08/2018 18:00

it might be she loves him so much she forgives him? she might throw herself off a bridge as she cant live without him? what if she got super angry and stabbed him?

That would all still be his fault, not the OPs, the OP did nothing wrong at all.

You could always set your FB profile picture to be if you and him and let her start asking questions herself, if you have viewed her FB Page, chances are your name will appear as a friend you might know.

lavenderhoney · 29/08/2018 18:16

How did you discover he wasn't single? Didn't you think it odd you never went to his house?
for all you know he will intercept it and delete, and almost certainly you'll be the fantastist. How will you feel if she doesn't respond- it's over isn't it? Just move on. If you were a friend it's different, but you're not, are you? You don't know her, and he kept you firmly outside his social circle. He was very deceitful by the sound of him.

yetmorecrap · 29/08/2018 18:17

I would want to know, at the moment she is living a lie , she may be investing cash into houses etc who knows, if she does know he is a bit of a shit, well you aren’t telling her anything she doesn’t know already

adayatthebeach · 29/08/2018 18:20

Tell her. No one wants to be made a fool of.

Thinkingofausername1 · 29/08/2018 18:50

I'd want to know

mildshock · 29/08/2018 20:47

It's not your fault that he acted this way. Tell her, he is putting her sexual health at risk.

I can't believe people are saying "don't tell her, she'll find out eventually!" Maybe she'll only find out if she gets gonorrhoea, she might want to prevent that.

Firenight · 29/08/2018 20:51

Cut your ties and walk away. I would tell anyone! No longer your business. But do make sure you’ve had a STI check up.

DarkNightDelight · 30/08/2018 00:37

I'd want to know if I was in her shoes

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 30/08/2018 00:46

Maybe she knows what he's like anyway

This makes no sense to me as a reason not to tell. Maybe she does know he "plays away", in which case she will just shrug and not care.

If she doesn't know though, she might think it's relevant to her interests to know.

I would tell her. Create a 'burner' email address, apologise for contacting her through her work email, but you didn't want to end up in the Facebook 'unknown sender' inbox, and send her literally every piece of evidence you have of your relationship - screenshots, photos (with your face blacked out) etc.

Tell her you'll answer questions for 48 hours if she needs to know anything more, but after that you're deleting the email address as you're hurt by this whole thing too and need to move on with your life.

lavenderhoney · 30/08/2018 01:18

What do you gain from telling her? Will you cc him? From her point of view it's over or you wouldn't be contacting her, and she might take a bit longer than 48 hrs to process this info/ confront him/ wonder if he's lying when he says it's nonsense and you are a deranged fantasist good at photo editor or something. Then decide once calmer if she wants more details etc.

It's tricky isn't it? What are you going to do, op?

Musti · 30/08/2018 03:11

I'd tell her. I wish someone had told me and I would have made different decisions that affected me for a long time.

Original poster
skinkymalinki · 05/09/2018 23:09

I haven’t told her yet .

Still undecided . Part of me just wants to leave it all in the past ...... but I think I would want to know if it were my long term partner .
I found out easily enough so maybe she knows already ?

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