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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So would you tell ?

63 replies

skinkymalinki · 29/08/2018 00:26

So ... I met a man on a website

We had an intense thing for a few months . Intense messaging . Amazing sex ....etc etc ...

So it turns out he is in a relationship and had lied.

I haven’t seen him since I found out.

Would you tell his girlfriend?
They are mid 40s with no children. Not married but been together over 15 years.
I think she should know what a lying shit she is with .....but is it my place to tell,her ?

OP posts:
Pinkyyy · 29/08/2018 08:53

I'd stay as far away from it as I could, it'll only end up in you being painted as the bad person. She will find out in time because all cheating liers eventually slip up

FloraHiggins · 29/08/2018 08:54

I’d tell her. What she chooses to do with the information is up to her but she deserves to make informed decisions about her life.

Original poster
skinkymalinki · 29/08/2018 09:03

I have no desire to get involved with any drama. If I did it I would do it anonymously.

I just think she should know as he is putting her at risk .

He told me that they haven’t had sex for years after I told him I knew he had a partner. I never saw him after I found out as I don’t want to be involved with a man in a relationship. Unfortunately I don’t believe anything he says now as he is a proven liar.
I have cut all contact with him.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 29/08/2018 09:05

*I found out as she has a very public fb profile and clearly has no idea of his ‘excurricular ‘activities . They both had a very searchable profession

So, what you just happened to find her profile and just happened to see his photos on there?

Just repeating the question OP, because I don't quite understand how you found this out.

Original poster
skinkymalinki · 29/08/2018 09:14

He came up on my fb as a friend suggestion. He was in my contacts.

Of course I looked at his profile and it said ‘in a relationship with xxxx’

It really wasn’t hard to find out .

Her pages are public. She has sponsorship for one of her hobbies so looks to be seeking followers and she posts pictures of them and refers to him as ‘the boyf’

OP posts:
category12 · 29/08/2018 09:15

I think it's cowardly and cruel to do it anonymously.

If you're going to do it, own it. You didn't do anything wrong if you thought he was single.

ShatnersWig · 29/08/2018 09:17

Thing is, OP, if I was starting to see someone, first thing I would do is look them up on Facebook. Find out more about them. Send them a friend request even. If they don't accept it.... they have something to hide.

branchline · 29/08/2018 09:23

I think you should tell her. You are as innocent as she is in this. He is a cruel liar who is happy to string you along and humiliate her on the process.
Give her the information and evidence. All of it. It's then up to her what she does. He will lie to her. Tell her you are some crazed lady with a crush/vendetta but she needs to know. I'd want to know, and not after I wasted another 10 years of my life on him.

Dancingtothemusicoftime · 29/08/2018 09:33

OP, I received an anonymous phone call about my DH's affair with a work colleague. Until that point I had absolutely no inkling about what he was doing. I suspect it took a lot of courage for the caller to do that and I will forever be grateful to her.

As another poster has said, he is a cruel and lying shit who is perfectly at ease with his betrayal of that poor woman. Please tell her - she has an absolute right to know how he is abusing her faith in him, love and trust. I'm sorry that this has happened to you and to her. Thanks

MarchingOrders · 29/08/2018 14:58

Of course you need to tell her!! You're not causing drama you're stopping her from investing more time in this loser.

OutPinked · 29/08/2018 15:12

I would want to know and I have been the woman in the scenario hearing that my ex was cheating. I didn’t believe her at first or rather, I didn’t want to believe her but when I confronted him he confessed and I left him as did she. He ended up alone and that gave me a great deal of satisfaction.

She deserves to know. Send her evidence too so he can’t claim it’s not true.

user1497991628 · 29/08/2018 15:19

Tell her. She probably suspects at the least and it could be a relief to know she’s not mad.

But please don’t do so anonymously. I remain tormented by who told me.

user1497991628 · 29/08/2018 15:21

I think because of the knowledge and power an unknown person had over my life, and what their motivation was. Good if it was just to let me know; bad if it was OW trying to “get her man.”

Original poster
skinkymalinki · 29/08/2018 15:48

Sorry to all those who have been on the other side .

I will never see him again and have cut all contact.

I am still undecided

OP posts:
Reaa · 29/08/2018 15:57

I would message everything, every last bit of proof I had so he could not deny or talk his way out of any of it.

RainySeptember · 29/08/2018 16:00

My xh cheated and I was devastated at the length of time it had been going on. I really wish that someone had told me sooner so that I didn't waste unnecessary years on him.

I genuinely dont understand the pp who think you should keep out of it. How can it be right to collude with him in deceiving her? Protect his secret so that he can keep doing it?

If she already knows, no harm done. If she doesn't, she does now and can make an informed decision about her own future.

userxx · 29/08/2018 16:02

I'd tell her and then the ball is in her court. She may well stick with him and she might be aware of past cheating.

sparklyandhungover · 29/08/2018 16:09

Tell her 15 years is a
Long time

LeroyJenkins · 29/08/2018 16:22

But ultimately you will be basically be ruining 15 years for this woman surely it's him who is ruining/ ed the last 15 years?

Fadingawayagain · 29/08/2018 16:33

Thing is it’s a bit tricky because the way she would feel would be terrible and she might end up being mad at the wrong person (you) you’ve done your part and stayed away don’t get any further involved it could get messy.

NeverHadANickname · 29/08/2018 16:39

I would definitely tell her. She deserves to know then she can make her own decisions about what she does.

Snoopychildminder · 29/08/2018 16:45

You have to decide either way as you are going to have to live with your choice.
Question is what are you less likely to regret, telling her or not telling her?

dudsville · 29/08/2018 16:46

I'd want to know.

richdeniro · 29/08/2018 16:54

From a guys perspective I would want to know too.

It's not just the cheating side of it but the risks of std's if someone you are sleeping with is also taking risks by sleeping with others.

If she contracted a std because of his infidelity she might have the dream of having children taken away or god-forbid worse happen.

AuFinch · 29/08/2018 17:19

What he did was wrong because he lied to you - if he had said he was in a relationship you wouldnt have done what you did so your conscience is clean. Its time to move on from him as if this is what he does then he really isnt the right man for you, nor for any woman!

However, you dont know what the consequences might be if you told his girlfriend - it might be she loves him so much she forgives him? she might throw herself off a bridge as she cant live without him? what if she got super angry and stabbed him? all kinds of things can happen which you would have no control over and if it happened would you feel partly responsible? Please think about it and I would leave it and move on. It is better that its a friend or relative who tells her (someone will find out eventually) so that they are there to support her through it all.

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