Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just got dumped (again) DILEMMA

80 replies

AsleepAllDay · 28/08/2018 16:04

This will be outing but oh well

I have lived in the U.K. for two years. Near the end of my time I started dating a man, let's call him C

For the time we were together, it was like love on steroids. I've been in love before but this was incredible and we both agreed it was so special and new

I went back home to my country. We agreed to stay together until I return.

My stay at home went on for months more than expected out of my hands and control.

The distance between us grew and I suffered. He broke up with me and I cried for weeks.

I am now coming back to the U.K. I still have feelings for C and tentatively thought we could see each other and figure it out

He now says he is seeing someone new and has chosen that path. He still has feelings for me and cares about me but he never thought I would return and so moved on accordingly

I'm coming back and this has really blindsided me. But to be coming back, I will be leaving a job I've just started in my home country (law firm) that has huge opportunity for advancement.

My work in the U.K. will be in my old field, which I am tired of and want to change at some point in my life.

At home, I'm living with family.

C was a HUGE part of my decision for returning to the U.K.

I also liked the lifestyle in the U.K. but Australia is still good

Do I stay in my home country and in my law job with the chance for being in a fulfilling career and living at home in a city I'll be with my family in?

Or do I come to the U.K. and hope C comes to his senses and do a job I think I will hate?

OP posts:
Original poster
AsleepAllDay · 29/08/2018 11:27

Thanks everyone. I definitely need help for my black & white thinking especially re the breakup

I'm not in touch with C & plan to not be. As much as I would love to fall into his arms I know it's over.

OP posts:
Anon90 · 29/08/2018 11:42

"hope C comes to his senses"... Who exactly do you think you are? Hes moved on. What gives you the right to judge his new relationship as any less special than yours?

Original poster
AsleepAllDay · 29/08/2018 11:56

@Anon90 lol he's rebounded right after our breakup

Anyway in retrospect I don't want him at all, I was highly emotional when I wrote my original post, so chill

OP posts:
heyholetsgogogo · 29/08/2018 12:26

Yes agree with pp he has been clear. Looks like he may go from one intense relationship to another. That could be a "red flag" in itself.
Also how old are you ? Do you have a few years of "fun" left before you need to seriously think about your career. If you moved back to the uk would you gradually becoming deskilled for Australian law ? Would you be able to pick it back up at the same level ? Could you stay in the new position then take a sabbatical in a couple of years ?

Haquina · 29/08/2018 12:33

Have you given any thought to the last paragraph of my previous reply @AsleepAllDay?

With your new job you have some very exciting opportunities and the change to forge a bright future, but it comes across as you hankering for a time when you were freer as you didn't have the possibly overbearing family influence. What chances are there for moving out and getting your own space?

hellsbellsmelons · 29/08/2018 12:38

This is a no-brainer OP and you know it.
He's a love bomber and a future faker.
Stay put.
Be with family and friends and have a fulfilling career.
Easy decision.

Anon90 · 29/08/2018 15:26

How on earth do you know hes rebounded?
My ex and i broke up last year and pretty quickly got in bew relationships. Niether of us are rebounding lol we are both very happy with our new partners, we are all much better matched. You have no way of knowing that he isnt better matched with this woman than he was with you.

Anon90 · 29/08/2018 15:29

Also agree its nore likely he is a love bomber than it is that your relationship was any more special than anyone elses, and more likely that than rebounding.

My new partner is a bit of a love bomber, so i do know what you mean about it feeling special. Mine has a good track record of being in LTR and being the faithful one. He had many years of being love bombed himself so he doesnt seem to know any other way. But honestly its not and all youd get id youd carried in was one hell of a come down.

Original poster
AsleepAllDay · 29/08/2018 22:31

@heyholetsgogogo I do have a few years to think about careers/plans. I'm not an Australian lawyer yet (still going through the process) so my job here isn't actually skilled, but it's a foot in the door with a vague, future possibility of moving up in the firm and gradually getting promoted to work as a qualified solicitor if I stick to them

I could come back to Oz in a few years and effectively start again. Or try to get UK qualified or pick up a U.K. lawyer job.

I've seen lots of good positions in the U.K. in my chosen field but it's a matter of gaining experience & becoming qualified so would have to navigate that too

OP posts:
Original poster
AsleepAllDay · 29/08/2018 22:34

@Anon90 I see your point - but my ex got with me very fast and was very serious and intense & shortly after our breakup he's once again serious with someone else

That gives me pause. That said, it's his business and what looks like an emerging pattern that's not my affair at all

I think we both love bombed each other when we got together but as someone who doesn't jump into or between relationships as fast as he appears to, I've felt confused & lost and rightly so imo

But it's his choice and I am now out of his life and will remain that way

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMoose · 29/08/2018 22:45

It’s sad, but it is what it is.

You will get most people saying to stay in Aus because most posters are living in the UK and think life in Aus is better/amazing/sunny etc. Whereas when you’ve lived there, London is amazing. I say LONDON!!

As you say, you can return to Aus st anytime, should you want to.

...and then there’s the freedom that being several thousand miles away from parents brings. That’s not to be underestimated! Doubly so if they very religious & you’re not.

Honeypickle · 29/08/2018 22:49

It’s not quite as easy to “pick up a UK lawyer job” in London as you seem to think. If you are doing well in Australia with real prospects of advancement, I would suggest qualifying there and looking to transfer after you qualify.

Original poster
AsleepAllDay · 30/08/2018 00:12

@Honeypickle I know it's not easy! It's just a far off possibility

OP posts:
Monty27 · 30/08/2018 04:46

Why would you give up a job you like to travel half way round the world to look up your ex?
Ex has been absolutely crystal clear, or black and white if you prefer to see it that way, that he has moved on.
Just why would you take that risk of further rejection.
You need to listen to and respect him.
Let him get on with his life and you get on with yours. Smile

Original poster
AsleepAllDay · 30/08/2018 05:37

Ahh I should clarify: I'm not going to the U.K. just for him. I won't be seeing him or friends with him. I wrote my OP in a very emotional state but if I move back to London, I will be working, living, exploring and doing everything without him in my life at all. No contact

OP posts:
SpareASquare · 30/08/2018 05:53

I'm not going to the U.K. just for him
Yeah you are. You pretty much said so
and hope C comes to his senses
You actually sound scary
For everyone defending C, he has been seeing this person for probably a month max and claims it's serious - but he was serious about me too!
Getting scarier.
He doesn't need 'defending'. You had a relationship. It ended. He moved on.
I blocked him after we argued about this
What's to argue about? He moved on. He probably recognised how 'intense' you are and told you whatever he needed to at the time to get away. Regardless, he's moved on and you don't accept that.
...gradually getting promoted to work as a qualified solicitor
How does one get 'promoted to work as a qualified solicitor? Either one has a law degree and IS a solicitor, or one isn't, surely? I don't think you 'become' one by working hard and being promoted???
I won't be seeing him or friends with him
Yeah, you will. Be seeing him that is. Unless you get the help you really do need to change your thinking and let him go.

TatianaLarina · 30/08/2018 06:31

It sounds a bit crazy to cross the world just to get away from your parents. Australia is so big you could do that by switching cities.

Getting into law in London is very hard, one of the most competitive sectors in one of the most competitive cities in the world.

Your idea of how you’re going to get into it is very vague.

What are your qualifications?

Original poster
AsleepAllDay · 30/08/2018 06:55

@SpareASquare UGH, I've said it a hundred times on this thread that I wrote my original post in high emotion and was in my feelings when I said 'I hope C comes to his senses.' I felt that at the time but it was a poor choice of words - I have thought about the situation since and I don't hope or wish that any longer!

Geez, people are acting as though I'm going to fly into Heathrow and take the tube to his house with a crowbar and wearing a nappy to save time!

If I see him at all when I return it will be after lots of time has passed, I'm not intending to look him up or talk to him! Goodness

And as for being promoted, I obviously don't want to put all my bloody life details on MN so you can google me at your leisure - I'm a paralegal with a law degree and at my current job have the poss of becoming qualified (I'm studying the diploma course now) and working there as a solicitor. That will be a promotion from paralegal!

Whereas my U.K. job is in journalism and has steady pay and job prospects and the visa but I'm not wild about staying in the industry

OP posts:
Original poster
AsleepAllDay · 30/08/2018 06:58

@TatianaLarina my ideas are vague about it be because I'll be doing my media job in the U.K. and have mentioned the possibility of switching to law as something to maybe consider down the track. I have a law degree and know it's a tough industry to crack in any country

OP posts:
PsychedelicSheep · 30/08/2018 07:05

I think you'd be mad not to take the opportunity to qualify as a lawyer. You can always move to the U.K. then and work as a lawyer here, unless the Australian qualifications don't transfer.

BPD can make people act very impulsively, I think coming to London at this particular point in your life would be a mistake but that's not to say never.

Imagine how much better it would be to come and work here in the field you love. Just be patient and wait a while, it doesn't always have to be now now now x

Original poster
AsleepAllDay · 30/08/2018 07:10

@AnnieAnoniMoose that is true! I really love London and did for all the time I was there (before and after C!)

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 30/08/2018 07:35

There’s no such thing as ‘steady pay and job prospects’ in UK journalism.

You’re in a job you really enjoy with the chance to become qualified, why would you leave that for a job you’re less interested in that doesn’t proceed to where you want to go? It doesn’t make any sense.

Original poster
AsleepAllDay · 30/08/2018 07:44

@TatianaLarina there is? I was working in the industry for 2 years before this and the job I have been offered in the U.K. is full time, well paid (for my level of experience).

I'm not asking for career advice on this thread per se, I'm not at uni! I understand both the journalism & law job markets. I've literally signed a contract for the U.K. job.

OP posts:
WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 30/08/2018 08:23

You could meet a C and gain new friends in Australia too as well as being a successful business woman. A career you are passionate about is a great motivator and makes for better mental health all round. One that is 'meh' may not.

Original poster
AsleepAllDay · 30/08/2018 08:39

@WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave That's where I'm stuck! I know how good it is to work in a job you like, it's a boon for MH and life in general

Lots of posters have asked about moving out in Australia. That would definitely be a plan. I would say my home city is smaller than London and less exciting, but easy to rent in

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread