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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just got dumped (again) DILEMMA

80 replies

AsleepAllDay · 28/08/2018 16:04

This will be outing but oh well

I have lived in the U.K. for two years. Near the end of my time I started dating a man, let's call him C

For the time we were together, it was like love on steroids. I've been in love before but this was incredible and we both agreed it was so special and new

I went back home to my country. We agreed to stay together until I return.

My stay at home went on for months more than expected out of my hands and control.

The distance between us grew and I suffered. He broke up with me and I cried for weeks.

I am now coming back to the U.K. I still have feelings for C and tentatively thought we could see each other and figure it out

He now says he is seeing someone new and has chosen that path. He still has feelings for me and cares about me but he never thought I would return and so moved on accordingly

I'm coming back and this has really blindsided me. But to be coming back, I will be leaving a job I've just started in my home country (law firm) that has huge opportunity for advancement.

My work in the U.K. will be in my old field, which I am tired of and want to change at some point in my life.

At home, I'm living with family.

C was a HUGE part of my decision for returning to the U.K.

I also liked the lifestyle in the U.K. but Australia is still good

Do I stay in my home country and in my law job with the chance for being in a fulfilling career and living at home in a city I'll be with my family in?

Or do I come to the U.K. and hope C comes to his senses and do a job I think I will hate?

OP posts:

MapleLeafRag · 28/08/2018 19:24

Sometimes you need to turn the problem around.

Did he even come and visit you in your own country, let alone give up his home life to follow you? No he moved on with someone else.

So why give up a good job opportunity to return to Brexit-fuck-up Britain!

Isawthelight · 28/08/2018 20:01

Stay in Australia and move out of your parents house if their religious beliefs are too much for you.

HereIgoagainxx · 28/08/2018 20:12

I don't think C is a dick either. Stay in Oz and build your career. If he was for you, he'd be with you. Good luck!

Thebluedog · 28/08/2018 20:15

He’s told you he’s lived on and seeing someone new. Sorry to be harsh OP but him saying he still had feelings for you was probably just to soften the blow a little.

Stay in Aus and make a new start of it

Original poster

AsleepAllDay · 28/08/2018 23:05

Thank you so much to everyone!

To clarify, I won't hate my job in the U.K. or just be pining for C - my job there is sponsoring me and I have friends and genuinely enjoyed living in London

OP posts:

AynRandTheObjectivist · 28/08/2018 23:18

I'm really sorry, OP, but there is no dilemma. He has made the decision.

A Dublin-based friend tells me that the Irish have a saying: if it's for you, it won't go by you. This one, perhaps, was not for you, but something else will be.

Follow the sun and stay in Oz.

Singlenotsingle · 28/08/2018 23:22

I vote you stay in Oz where you've got family and an amazing job. Here in UK there's nothing for you. C has moved on. You need to move on too

Beaverhausen · 28/08/2018 23:25

Personally I would stay, if you were the one for him he would have waited for you. You are giving up far too much on a hope that he would come running back to you.

Choco1234 · 28/08/2018 23:32

He doesn't sound like a dick - honest really.

Move to the UK because you want to be here - not cos of a guy especially one who has said he is in a relationship with someone else.

If the goal is to be away from your conservative family, perhaps you can live in your own place or even another city in Australia where you can still practice the kind of work you want to do?

NadiaLeon · 28/08/2018 23:55

Follow your heart.
When I read other posts I keep seeing things like 'I am so glad I followed my heart all those years ago. Wouldn't change it for the world.'

Original poster

AsleepAllDay · 29/08/2018 00:06

For everyone defending C, he has been seeing this person for probably a month max and claims it's serious - but he was serious about me too!

OP posts:

SummerStrong · 29/08/2018 00:11

Stay in Australia, C doesn't want you.

Try to gain some independence from your family if you feel they are stifling you.

Carve a new and fulfilling life out for yourself and you will fall in love again.

DonkeyPlease · 29/08/2018 00:32

he has been seeing this person for probably a month max and claims it's serious - but he was serious about me too!

Sweetheart, no. He WAS serious about you. He is no longer serious about you.

Please put him out of your mind. Stay in Australia.

Original poster

AsleepAllDay · 29/08/2018 03:19

Thank you everyone

I think I will spend some time in the U.K. if I hate it I can always return home. And NC with C, I blocked him after we argued about this

OP posts:

Groovee · 29/08/2018 03:37

I think you are pining for something you had. C has moved on and you need to do that too. Take the new challenge in your home country. I'm sure you will find someone just right for you there.

Monty27 · 29/08/2018 03:42

You haven't been dumped. You left and he moved on as you extended your absence.
You can't come back and expect him to pick up where you left off.
Stay where you are. It's done.

HoppingPavlova · 29/08/2018 03:46

And NC with C, I blocked him after we argued about this

What was there to argue about? He was honest and told you he has moved on and no longer wishes to persue a relationship with you. How do you argue with that?

AltheaorDonna · 29/08/2018 03:47

It seems you want us to tell you to follow your heart. Well I reckon you should stay in Oz, but the planes fly both ways, and if you are pining for the UK a stay here won't do you much harm. Don't come back for the bloke though, he is gone. Any don't burn any bridges in Oz, you will probably be back.

Original poster

AsleepAllDay · 29/08/2018 04:12

@AltheaorDonna thank you. I'm honestly being stretched both ways and am thinking the U.K. trip is something I should try rather than give it up entirely. I will probably be replaced in my Australian job but will try to remain on good terms

I did love my time in the U.K. - it was really exciting and felt right in ways that living back home wasn't - and this is before C

As for people who asked how I could argue, I said I have BPD. My emotions are intense and I said a lot of hard things to him

OP posts:

Thatsfuckingshit · 29/08/2018 05:29

So can you not see how you bdp, may be inflating your feelings towards him and the UK.

He doesn't need defending. He did nothing wrong. He was honest. He moved on.

I honestly think, given you say 'ONLY' a month, that you think you will come back and win him back. You are giving up so much. I don't see why you don't wait until you can get a job in a similar field as the one you have in Australia. At least then you won't be giving up a job you love.

A lot of employers won't be happy that they have just employed you and you have been planning to move to another country.

PerverseConverse · 29/08/2018 09:34

You've been dumped ONCE. I don't get why this is even a question. He's made his position clear and you need to respect that. Stay in Australia, he's made it clear there's nothing for you here. Sorry

Racecardriver · 29/08/2018 09:38

Just stay in Australia. If you don't like your family you can move to a different city.

librarysuperstar · 29/08/2018 10:18

I think you'll really regret giving up a job you love. Even if you liked living in the UK before, it could be different this time. Trying to recreate a time in your life that is past is a recipe for unhappiness IMO, and I think your BPD is a big factor in your thinking right now. This sounds like distorted decision making with you telling yourself one thing (you'd like to return to the UK anyway, it's not about C) but your true motivations are actually very different.

He's 100% being clear with you and you are just going to be putting yourself through unnecessary heartbreak if you pursue it any further - let alone to the other side of the world! You need to allow yourself to move on, and treat this obsession as a symptom of BPD that you may benefit from some help with. Good luck.

Haquina · 29/08/2018 10:25

Something like 98% of responses are saying stay in Australia and those who don’t are ambivalent.

It sounds very much like you love Australia and your job now, but are feeling stifled by living with family who you find very restrictive. I think you’d look at life very differently if you got a place of your own.

NonaGrey · 29/08/2018 10:28

Simply it this way:

Why would you move thousands of miles for a man who doesn’t want you?

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