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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Best Friend exposed my affair to my child

71 replies

Whattodonow63 · 28/08/2018 01:13

Hello I would appreciate some advice. I confided in an older woman that I was having an affair. I trusted her completely as she was the wife of a serial cheat and had herself many lovers over the years. To cut a Long story short she became enraged over an incident she believed I was invoked in without hearing my side of the story and called my 16 year old daughter and told her everything. All my deepest darkest secrets. She also embellished quite a lot and made my daughter distraught. I've talked with my Daughter and told her the truth on most matters. My Husband doesn't know but I fear he suspects and will find out. Maybe this woman will tell him as well. Why would a woman in her mid 70's do this wicked thing to a young girl? What should I do. Btw she blocked me on all forms of communication. Do I confess (the affair has been over for 2 years now)? Or do I damage control by remaining silent? I'm guilty and horrible for allowing this to happen but my marriage of over 28 years has been sexless for almost 14 years. No excuse I know. Do I confess and run the risk of divorce or do I remain silent and pray I can make this go away?

OP posts:
heartsease68 · 28/08/2018 01:17

I think you should sleep on it and focus on your dd over the next few days. This isn't a quick decision. Meanwhile ponder what your DH means to you.

Flyingpompom · 28/08/2018 01:34

You must tell your DH, because if you don't then that burden is on your daughter's shoulders.

MissConductUS · 28/08/2018 01:51

Why would her cheating make her more trustworthy, rather than less?

I think the cat is out of the bag at this point and you should tell DH. If the marriage has been sexless that long perhaps he'll understand.

Gersemi · 28/08/2018 01:53

Send her your side of the story in relation to the incident that has annoyed her.

ILoveHumanity · 28/08/2018 01:58

I’m sorry that I’m not much help,

But I would like to post my sympathy for your broken marriage..

Being in a sexless marriage isn’t fair on you and perhaps you should tackle that... or leave the marriage.

But to have an affair isn’t a solution.. quite the contrary. These things always come out one way or another and that “friend” shouldn’t have exposed you in this stupid way, but if it wasn’t her it was going to be another way..

What you need to do is decide whether you can tackle the sexless aspect of your marriage or whether you can forever accept it the way it is without cheating and find grounds to be honest with your spouse.

Your poor pooor daughter shouldn’t have had to hear all that.. but you are the one responsible for putting her through this because the truth was going to come out one day anyway

thebewilderness · 28/08/2018 02:10

Turns out she isn't your friend at all and she lies.
Her doing that to your daughter is unforgivable.

Downeyhouse · 28/08/2018 02:21

You can not leave your daughter with the burden of knowing this and keeping it secret from her dad. That will be incredibly emotionally damaging.

You are going to have to put your daughter first and confess everything to your oh.

Original poster
Whattodonow63 · 28/08/2018 02:38

Thank you all for your frank and thoughtful replies. I know you're all right and now am figuring out how to tell my Husband in the kindest possible way given the circumstances. I do believe it will result in our seperation and I'm terribly sad about that.

Do you think I should try to confront the woman who told my child? She is in her mid 70's and I fear she has somehow lost her mind thinking that's it's not wicked to do what she did. What do you think? Confront her or keep silent with no retribution?

OP posts:
NameChangedNow · 28/08/2018 02:41

Leave it. Don't talk to the woman again. You have to tell OH as you've said.

Frogpond · 28/08/2018 02:42

Don't confront her, but don't talk to her again, and make sure your children know she isn't a friend anymore and not to open the door to her or talk on the phone etc.

Skittlesandbeer · 28/08/2018 03:05

Consider booking a counselling appointment for you & your DH.

Tell him there. Tell him the basics only, and that you wouldn’t have raised it but for the recent events and that your DD knows. Be honest, and make your apologies if you must.

If you are not apologetic, then don’t apologise. Tell your truth. I’d be saying ‘frankly, I assumed we were both playing away after 14 sexless years and that we had an unspoken agreement that the main thing was not hurting anyone and keeping a joint home life for DD. I am truly sorry that my actions have now lead to hurt for you, and DD.’

I don’t think most of MN have a clue how decades of sexless marriage can mess with your head. Not getting sex, connection, intimacy and your partner refusing to engage about it is awful. Unless you’ve been there, be careful about hoiking your judgey pants too high.

ImPreCis · 28/08/2018 03:15

I am sure that being in a sexless marriage is extraordinarily difficult, this is clearly a factor in your decision to have an affair.
I do think you have to have a discussion with your husband, for two reasons; to expect your daughter to hold this knowledge secret would not be good for her and also because until you come clean about this, your ‘friend’ has a hold over you. You will be constantly wondering if/when she will divulge this info to your husband. This woman’s account of your affair would be the worst way for your husband to find out what may be deeply distressing information for him.
This may or may not be the end of your marriage. It may make your husband realise that sex is important to you. Withdrawal of sex in a marriage from whichever partner can be seen as a form of control. I hope you manage to find a solution to your difficulties.

ImPreCis · 28/08/2018 03:19

Skittlesandbeer I think your post is a good way forward. Agree with everything you have said.

safetyfreak · 28/08/2018 06:23

No just leave the elderly woman alone, what a cow though to tell your daughter! She did not tell your husband but your teenage child. Grrr.

Skittles gave good advice.

Original poster
Whattodonow63 · 28/08/2018 06:44

Thank you. Very sound advice from all posters but yours really resonates. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodonow63 · 28/08/2018 06:46

Sorry I'm so new to this. I was trying to reply to Skittles. Thank you all for being kind and non judgmental.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 28/08/2018 06:48

Terrible thing for the woman to do, obviously end of friendship there. Her age isn’t relevant!

You now have to tell your H: not to do so would be very unfair on your daughter.

Also take responsibility: there was always a high risk that your actions would be discovered and hurt others.

NadiaLeon · 28/08/2018 06:49

Good luck OP.
You only have yourself to blame, and while that old dear did something wicked, the anger You feel towards her should be directed at yourself for being a cheat.

Figgygal · 28/08/2018 06:51

Forget about her and sort your own house out

Do the right thing and Tell your husband and support your daughter she's now in a place of effectively lying to her father every day he doesn't know.

ForeverJung · 28/08/2018 06:58

wow, you'll be pasted but I feel for you.

can you even support your daughter if you blow things out of the water and tell your husband? Tell your daughter that you will tell your husband after she's digested the information. Can you go away with your dd for a weekend somewhere?

Tbh the marriage doesn't sound like it's worth more than the relationship with your daughter.

I'm so shocked a 70 year old woman could pile that information on to the lap of an innocent 14 year old. I'd tell her that if she contacts anybody in your family you'll get a restraining order. She is to be pitied. Acting so vindictively at her age.

bionicnemonic · 28/08/2018 06:59

It may be worth considering that your daughter might benefit from counselling at some point in the future

Loopytiles · 28/08/2018 07:00

Her age isn’t relevant! Ageism isn’t OK.

deepsea · 28/08/2018 07:01

I agree with skittles. 14 years of no intimacy must have been so hard for you. I am not sure your dh will be as surprised as you think....and may have some secrets of his own to confess. So be prepared pandora's box may well and truly open.

For the sake of your child, you must tell him. It is an awful burden to carry and she will feel so compromised.

It is important to reassure your dd that you still care deeply for her father and the family. She is old enough to deal with this maturely if you handle it calmly and with care.

ForeverJung · 28/08/2018 07:02

It is important to reassure your dd that you still care deeply for her father and the family. She is old enough to deal with this maturely if you handle it calmly and with care.

Agree. My dd about the same age and she can handle truth if it's presented without drama

deepsea · 28/08/2018 07:04

I think when pp are speaking about the age of the lady who told her daughter, they are saying it in the spirit that she is 70 years old and should be a wise and trusted confidante.
Her age is not being seen in a negative light quite the reverse. More is expected of her because of her age and advancing wisdom and understanding. It is not ageism to acknowledge as we get older most of us become more considered, wise and thoughtful from life experience.

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