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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Best Friend exposed my affair to my child

71 replies

Whattodonow63 · 28/08/2018 01:13

Hello I would appreciate some advice. I confided in an older woman that I was having an affair. I trusted her completely as she was the wife of a serial cheat and had herself many lovers over the years. To cut a Long story short she became enraged over an incident she believed I was invoked in without hearing my side of the story and called my 16 year old daughter and told her everything. All my deepest darkest secrets. She also embellished quite a lot and made my daughter distraught. I've talked with my Daughter and told her the truth on most matters. My Husband doesn't know but I fear he suspects and will find out. Maybe this woman will tell him as well. Why would a woman in her mid 70's do this wicked thing to a young girl? What should I do. Btw she blocked me on all forms of communication. Do I confess (the affair has been over for 2 years now)? Or do I damage control by remaining silent? I'm guilty and horrible for allowing this to happen but my marriage of over 28 years has been sexless for almost 14 years. No excuse I know. Do I confess and run the risk of divorce or do I remain silent and pray I can make this go away?

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 28/08/2018 07:12

OP seems to imply the friend may be going senile to have behaved like this!

The idea that older people should behave better than younger ones is pretty ageist too IMO.

PigeonFromHell · 28/08/2018 07:20

I agree that you need to lift the burden of knowing off your DD's shoulders and let her know you'll deal with what you now have to. Give her a chance to be angry at you if she needs it, I imagine it'll be a hard thing for her to get her head round.

TacoFriday · 28/08/2018 07:28

Well if telling once is “wicked” according to you what is doing it over two years then? I don’t see you beating yourself up over your own choices at all. Just that “wicked” woman who dared to tell your family the truth about your actions.

It’s funny how understanding everyone is when a woman lies and cheats

Slimmingsnake · 28/08/2018 07:29

My advice would be to try to hang on to your marriage to get your daughter through her education with minimal disruption.she doesn't need her parents divorcing while she is at such an important part of her life..end the affair,tell her your sorry ,and put all your efforts in to your family...you chose to stay married .when you could of divorced when she was very small..now you need to put her first for now.

Loonoon · 28/08/2018 07:33

I think this woman’s history as a serial adulterer shows pretty clearly she is not to be trusted! If her and her DH are incapable of any loyalty to each other it isn’t surprising she can’t be loyal to a friend.

OP - ipnore this stirring bitch from now on. Don’t let her add to your problems any further. I agree that you need to tell your DH. When you do that, have in mind what outcome you want. If you don’t want your marriage to end over this, say so from the outset. Offer to go for counselling (but be prepared for a bit of a wait if you apply for Relate pr Marriage Care, the two largest relationship counselling charities in the UK).

If you are aware and accepting and willing that this means your relationship is over, say that too. And bear in mind that if your marriage had been sexless for 14 years, he too might have sought it elsewhere.

Your priority right now is your DD, she might also want some counselling to support her through this difficult time.

SoupDragon · 28/08/2018 07:36

It’s funny how understanding everyone is when a woman lies and cheats

Yes.

NonaGrey · 28/08/2018 07:46

Don’t make your daughter keep this secret for any amount of time.

Tell your husband. Do your best to sort out your marriage one way or another.

Meanwhile there’s nothing to be gained from confronting this woman. Never speak to her again. Make sure she’s blocked on your DD’s devices.

People who tell lies and deceive their loved ones get found out and it impacts their lies horribly.

As the guilty party you have to take the consequences for your actions in the chin, but don’t put your innocent daughter in the position of lying to and deceiving her Dad. That would be really unforgivable.

Jammin4 · 28/08/2018 07:47

Oh look another woman having an affair on Mumsnet and everyone feeling sorry for her.

You had a choice OP. You could have addressed the issues in your marriage. Affairs have a ripple effect and affect more people than you think. They are selfish, thoughtless and heartbreaking. They cause so many issues (I’m personally suffering from PTSD thanks to people like you!)

If this was a guy posting I’m sure it wouldn’t be the same responses, he’d get ripped a new one on here.

Affairs are not the answer.

Thatsfuckingshit · 28/08/2018 07:47

What the woman did to your daughter was a shit thing to do to your daughter. But not to you.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, you leave. If the marriage is sexless and you want to stay in it but have it as an open marriage, you tell your partner. You turned you marriage into an open one without telling your husband.

It's very telling that you even contemplated not telling your husband. You were seriously thinking about letting your daughter carry this burden. You should have told him immediately. Your dd being part of your deceit shouldn't have been an option.

Don't tell him the basics. Tell him what he wants to know. Of course you should apologise. For not ending the marriage when you decided to sleep with someone else.

A sexless marriage can be would destroying. So is being cheated on.

AuntieStella · 28/08/2018 07:48

If you want to keep something secret, you don't tell anyone

Why you keep banging on about utter inessentials (such as the age of the person you told) suggests that you do not really own your own responsibilities in this. You chose to tell. If you had nit blabbed first, she could not have done.

Yes, the awning pit at the feet of every adulterer - that the spouse would find out - is right at your toes now. And it's because of your action in telling. Properly owning your own choices is probably going to be the decent thing to do, on all fronts going forward.

SpiritedLondon · 28/08/2018 07:49

It’s funny how understanding everyone is when a woman lies and cheats

It’s not about gender. In this instance the OP has been in a sexless marriage for 14 years. If you can’t see that as in some way mitigation for having an affair then you should probably reconsider your capacity for empathy. My opinion is the same whether male or female.

OP - the “friend” in this case has been a major bitch. I don’t care how old she is - if she somehow felt she had a moral duty to reveal your affair ( as a good portion of the posters on this board feel) then she should have spoken to your DH. To tell your daughter is particularly cruel. I don’t have any additional advice I’m afraid but I think now is the time to come clean, 2 Years is long enough- otherwise you’re putting your daughter in a terrible position. Good luck.

FuckPants · 28/08/2018 07:50

Serves you right really.

ShatnersWig · 28/08/2018 07:57

In this instance the OP has been in a sexless marriage for 14 years. If you can’t see that as in some way mitigation for having an affair then you should probably reconsider your capacity for empathy.

I was in sexless relationship for 5 years. I didn't have an affair. I left. Oh, and I was the man. So I do agree with "it's not about gender".

SoupDragon · 28/08/2018 07:59

I don’t need to reconsider my capacity for empathy at all. If you don’t like the marriage you leave. Leaving aside the fact that we only have one side of the story and have no idea how it got to the point of 14 sexless years.

corythatwas · 28/08/2018 08:00

Otoh yes, it was wrong of her to tell your 16yo.

Otoh if she was already in contact with your 16yo then your choice to tell her meant that you were asking her to lie that your 16yo. And risk the 16yo being very angry with her when she found out (as she was bound to do) about your affair and that she had been lying to her. That is hardly a fair thing to ask of anyone either. I have been in that position, having to cover things up before a young person because their own parent, the person who should have cared more about their wellbeing than anything else chose to lie to them. I hated it. I resented it. And I dreaded it: dreaded the moment when this young person, whom I loved dearly, would find out I had been deceiving them all along, because I knew. I still resent it many years later and will never think of that person in quite the same way.

SpiritedLondon surely there is another way that does not involve lying to your 16yo and expecting other people to lie to her? How about the OP telling the truth to the husband, explaining that she was unhappy about the lack of sex and wanted out?

Changedname3456 · 28/08/2018 08:03

”the op has been in a sexless marriage for 14 years”

That’s only a mitigating factor if we know WHY it’s been sexless and that turns out not to be her “fault.” Chances are there’s “blame” on both sides for why she and DH no longer have sex, unless there’s a purely medical reason for it, and she had ten years to choose to do something about it before the affair.

She’s not told us how long the affair went on for either - a quick “mistake” or something deliberate and longer? Most cheating men that are silly enough to rock up to MN and confess to it get much less sympathy, regardless of background.

I agree with PP in saying that all OP can/should do now is take the burden off her daughter by telling the husband.

WendyCope · 28/08/2018 08:10

What an utter nasty, nasty, toxic piece of work. The affair is irrelevant to me here, this woman was told a confidence and broke it and did the most damaging thing possible. To your family.

Reasons for/against the affair are not in question here, it is the damage this woman deliberately caused. I am sure you and DH have your own ways of dealing with the sexless marriage, many people do.

OP I am very sorry. I would play the whole thing down and say the woman is out of her mind (which she clearly is) to tell your child is unforgiveable, to try and ruin the 'status quo' in your marriage and the relationship with your child is also unforgiveable.

Good Luck.

thegreylady · 28/08/2018 08:16

I have had a sexless marriage for 15 years but it is not a loveless marriage. I am 74 and I can’t imagine breaking a confidence like your ‘friend’ did. Your poor daughter, I hope you will be able to untangle everything and, if you and dh, love one another all should be well.

Cupoteap · 28/08/2018 08:19

I'm glad you are going to tell him, you couldn't expect your daughter to keep this burden to herself.

Good luck

corythatwas · 28/08/2018 08:20

WendyCope, I have know several people who were the children in this scenario, and they have all found out sooner or later, and they have all been unanimous that the really, really destructive thing was not the finding out in itself but the realisation that all the adults around them had spent so long lying to them and that the relationship they thought they had with the cheating parent was built on a lie. Several of them were left with trust issues for life.

The harsh truth is that the "status quo" the OP was eager to preserve was killed off when she decided to lie to her daughter. That changed the relationship forever, and this would not have been any different if the discovery had been delayed. Realising that the OP is angry because she can't go on lying to her is unlikely to make things any better for the daughter.

Original poster

Whattodonow63 · 28/08/2018 08:29

Thank you all for your honest responses. I would like to say I've been having Counselling for many years due to the state of my marriage. I've lived with threats of suicide if I leave for years actually but yes I absolutely lied and cheated to my family and am totally responsible for the pain hats now unavoidable. I didn't intend to be ageist - as one kind poster said I expected this older woman to show restraint as she advised me for some time to keep up appearances. She is 76 and a qualified psychologist. She is not a parent and I probably didn't state that I'm deeply shocked by her attempt to disabuse my child of her love for her mummy. I would never have posted this if she came for me or my dh. I'm an adult and am prepared to take it on the Chin so to speak. I've managed to arrange Counselling for my dd in the coming weeks and must say her councillor is aware of my marital problems. So I'm terribly sorry if I offended anyone by seeming to absolve myself of all blame. I know I'm the cause of this misery. Bet my marriage is sexless I believe because after my Husband had an affair and I totally forgave him he blanked me away. He just doesn't want me and I gave up on the constant rejection. Im not unattractive and just wanted to feel that I'm not invisible. The affair I had had been totally over for 2 years. I'm resigned to never having an intimate relationship again

OP posts:

WendyCope · 28/08/2018 08:29

I am honest with my DD (10), we are extremely close, but I do not, and would not, discuss my relationship or sex life with her father with her. Ever. Whether it was good or bad.

That is none of her business. And nor should it be, the woman behaved appallingly. People are jumping on 'affair' it has nothing to do with that.

The woman set out to cause destruction.

OP is TOTALLY allowed to manage the status quo of her marriage as she sees fit.

WendyCope · 28/08/2018 08:35

thegreylady I totally agree with you.

There are many great marriages with couples who do or do not have sex/even live together/have affairs. It is not for other people to judge. Or interfere with their children.

Just dreadful.

MyOtherProfile · 28/08/2018 08:46

Yoir poor daughter. How is she?

gingergenius · 28/08/2018 08:55

Ok. It of a drip feed there but honestly op I do feel for you. What a shit situation. I hope your daughter is ok. By the sounds of it you husband won't care much that you've had an affair given the circumstances so maybe now is the time to break free and ignore the suicide threats?

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