Best Friend exposed my affair to my child

[Whattodonow63]

Hello I would appreciate some advice. I confided in an older woman that I was having an affair. I trusted her completely as she was the wife of a serial cheat and had herself many lovers over the years. To cut a Long story short she became enraged over an incident she believed I was invoked in without hearing my side of the story and called my 16 year old daughter and told her everything. All my deepest darkest secrets. She also embellished quite a lot and made my daughter distraught. I've talked with my Daughter and told her the truth on most matters. My Husband doesn't know but I fear he suspects and will find out. Maybe this woman will tell him as well. Why would a woman in her mid 70's do this wicked thing to a young girl? What should I do. Btw she blocked me on all forms of communication. Do I confess (the affair has been over for 2 years now)? Or do I damage control by remaining silent? I'm guilty and horrible for allowing this to happen but my marriage of over 28 years has been sexless for almost 14 years. No excuse I know. Do I confess and run the risk of divorce or do I remain silent and pray I can make this go away?

Yes. What Ginger says.

More like a flood, ginger

I wouldn't go anywhere near this woman again. What she did was evil. What sort of person uses a child to score points against their mother?

I think you have to come clean to your husband. You can't make your DD keep this secret for you, so I would do it as soon as you practically can. It does sound like your marriage has been dead for a long time. Now could be a good time to instigate a divorce. You must be very unhappy.

I hope your DD is OK, and all goes well at counselling.

Op I’m so sorry. Your situation sounds very complex :(.

To be blackmailed by suicide if you choose to leave , and go be rejected by your husband after you forgave him cheating is extremely hurtful ...

:,(.

I hope you find the strength to leave. I don’t have experience in this but a question to posters ... don’t you think that both parents should sit the girl down and tell her in generic ways that what that woman said was utter lies and that the parents are having problems in the marriage but are working on it and both love her...

If your husband has been rejecting you and threatening suicide, and had affairs... then surely he should understand.

Perhaps you both should divorce and keep it a secret and co exist if that’s what he wants. Because why is he threatening suicide if he wants to remain not interested in the marriage itself

Maybe that woman is very jealous that you have a tight relationship with your DD and she doesn’t... since she was a serial cheat.. maybe she felt the need to damage your relationship so she feels better ahout hers with her own kids...

What she did was evil.

But I’m religious and .... so I have an intrinsic belief that affairs don’t bring any good and are despised by god and so it only makes sense to me to advise to divorce before considering falling in love again..

Totally your right to divorce..

I think you should tell your daughter - if you don’t have cooperation from ur husband- that you have been wanting to leave for a while and that your husband made threats of suicide and that you stayed in the marriage because you were worried to be responsible for her losing her dad . But in reality it’s nt fair on you because of details you can only tell her when she grows up.

I’m up for criticism by other posters I’m just putting this out there but don’t have experience..

Perhaps it’s best to first attempt uniting with your husband and tell him that if he isn’t willing to back u up for your daughter like you covered up his flaws that you will have to tell her the full story including his flaws ..

Sounds fair to me

Sounds to me like it is time to make some life-changing decisions.
Your marriage is over- you do know that don't you? You need to leave and build a life for you and your daughter that is not based on your marriage to her father.
Tell him about the relationship. Do not give in to his threats of suicide - leave and divorce him.

Not sure about the drip feed. Cheaters have a habit or rewriting history to justify the affair.

I just can't past the part where the OP was considering not telling her husband. Considering putting her daughter in an awful position. The fact that she even contemplated that, suggests someone very selfish.

Who knows the truth probably somewhere in the middle

Your update changes my view. I don’t think affairs are ever excusable but what I have observed is that once one strays, that taboo is broken and the other is more likely to, which is what happened in your case. The suicide threats sound very controlling. Is this really a relationship you want to continue with, or are you just afraid of the consequences if you leave?

I agree you need counselling, and that your DD comes first. The ‘friend’ is an irrelevance.

I think you should tell your daughter - if you don’t have cooperation from ur husband- that you have been wanting to leave for a while and that your husband made threats of suicide and that you stayed in the marriage because you were worried to be responsible for her losing her dad

Ilove really? That’s your advice??!!

You think that telling a 16 yo girl who is already devastated that her Mum is a liar and a cheat that the whole situation cane about because her Dad threatened suicide and the Mum only stayed so the daughter would have a Father??

I can’t really think of a worse course of action!

So now the girl feels responsible for the affair, for maintaining her Dad’s mental health, feels her whole life has been a lie and probably hates both parents?

And this is your advice from a religious perspective???

Your drip feed suggests that your H is emotionally abusive. If you decide to leave, or fear his reaction to finding out about your affair, advice and support is available from women's organisations.

Doesn’t change my advice though: it would be damaging for your DD to be under pressure to lie to her father by omission.

Oi Nona, don’t twist my words.

I did not say this particular advice was from a religious point. I said I’m a religious person and so don’t agree with affairs regardless.

And I did say that I have no experience and was just saying what I feel I would do but that I have no experience and want other posters to comment. So thanks for commenting ? I’m probably much younger than you ?

A religious person is allowed to have their own brains and doesn’t mean every decision is based on a gospel. Please don’t try to create drama, if you are bored, start a puzzle

And yes after how you phrased it I do agree maybe she shouldn’t put it that way..

I come from a broken home. So I wouldn’t know because I was always that daughter that was told everything and I felt I needed to hear mums side before Dad completely painted it with one brush...

There is more to me than believing in a god eh? I also have a personality, and an experience , and culture and .....

Many things influence people, would you have rathered I Be not honest that my views on affairs are based on religious beleifs just so that you don’t end up judging everything else I say ?

Some people believe in an open relationship being morally ok. I don’t. That’s where my religion comes in. Simple. Everything else I said is just me and my inexperienced brain

I am not condoning your affair but I think it is a despicable act to tell your daughter and inflict so much pain on her because she us in a strop over something you did !( Or didn't ) do.
What an absolute cow to hurt a young girl like that .

Ok first things first you must immediately unburden your daughter and tell your husband. You can take things from there depending on what he and you decide to do.

Secondly cut the old woman off. Confronting her solves nothing. The cat is out of the bag and the only way to deal with her is to cut her off to prevent further bad stuff. You can do nothing about the bad stuff that’s already happened. She isn’t the problem, your marriage is in tatters and your daughter is in a state. She’s just a shit stirrer.

I'm resigned to never having an intimate relationship again
Oh OP - why????
Life can be very short. Too short!
You get one shot at this.
Why on earth are you living this half life???
It's an awful example of a relationship to set for your DD.
It's awful for you to be in this situation?
Do you work?
Could you leave him and live OK?
Because this is not good.
Not good at all.
We all deserve happiness.
Do not let his threats of suicide stop you.
He is a grown up. And adult.
He is totally responsible for what he does.
If he wants to end things, then that it up to him.
But it has nothing to do with you.
Please don't 'settle'
My poor DSis died mid 40's!
Do you want this to be your life? Your legacy?
Please make plans to leave.

Tell you H the truth and don’t leave stuff out, use this as an opportunity to deal with your relationship. Therapists keep your secrets, everyone else is a roll of the dice, ignore this woman.

Honestly if it was me I would unburden my daughter by talking to her about it personally. Taking ownership of the wrong I had done but also explaining that there are reasons why humans act and react in a certain way. We are all flawed and all human. I was brought up to believe that two wrongs don't make a right and no it doesn't but the first wrong certainly increases the chances of a second wrong.

If you speak openly with your daughter perhaps she will be unburdaned and learn some of lifes lessons.

It’s not uncommon to be threatened with suicide over leaving. If, rather than supporting him to get therapy, you stayed with him for fear of what he might do, what did you think he would do if/when he found out you were cheating?

As a defence it doesn’t really hang together, he’s just as likely to kill himself over being cheated on as being left, as it comes to the same thing.

What this woman did is appalling, I’d assume she’s out of your life for good. But someone would have spilled the beans at some point.

Please don’t try to create drama, if you are bored, start a puzzle

What drama Ilovehumanity? I simply responded to your (in my opinion) very poor advice.

I haven’t judged you I judged your advice.

I don’t assume anything about you, you might do me the same courtesy.

I’m a church going Christian as it happens.

I imagine that lots of people on the thread are atheists - most of them probably don’t condone affairs either.