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Original poster

Contact with the ex

74 replies

1Skittles8 · 22/08/2018 10:10

So I'll start with the question, how much contact with an ex is too much?

Here's my situation, been with my girlfriend now for 4 months, not long at all but we love eachother and the relationship has been very intense.
She told me very early on that she sometimes met up with her ex, just as friends of course. When i say he's her ex, they were never really properly together as he was married and cheating, their 'relationship' lasted 10 years! When she initially said this i didnt think too much into it, after all i remained friends with the last girl i dated for a few months.
So now, i don't believe since we have been together that my girlfriend has met up with the ex however i do know that they phone eachother often, im guessing every week and usually on lunch breaks.
I then began thinking, what can they possibly talk about every week, my girlfriend doesnt chat to her best friends as often as she does with him? The fact that he's married and theyre still having to do these sneaky calls so his wife doesnt find out, bothers me. Am i right to be bothered though, far as i know my girlfriend has been honest with me. Part of me is scared of losing her, she was the other woman for 10 years and this loser has strung her along for long enough in my eyes, he had hos chance and he cgose his wife so i fail to see why my girlfriend would even want to remain friends with him?
Thoughts?

OP posts:
inshockrightnow · 22/08/2018 10:23

I wouldn't like it either. You call him a loser for stringing her along. Yet she willingly engaged in the deception as well. How do you feel about that?

MMmomDD · 22/08/2018 10:26

OP - it’s simple
She has been in relationship with that man for 10years....
She still is connected to him.

At 4 months - she should be in a honeymoon phase with you and not need to be in contact with the ex....
If she is still maintaining that level of contact with the ex - that means that she hasn’t detached from him.

So - the ‘we are so in love’ may be true for you - you definitely are. And, as to her - she is trying to convince herself that she needs to move on, with someone who is available and I to her... This is where you come in.

Or, in the worst case scenario - she is using you to make the other man take action...

Sorry. Not a great place to be for you.

Original poster
1Skittles8 · 22/08/2018 10:28

I don't agree with it at all but to do that for 10 years must mean that she loved him. She met him when she was in her early 20s and he late 30s. He must have felt like he struck gold!
We have argued over this and ive said some pretty hurtful things, the truth hurts though. He chose his wife over her. Id love that chapter in her life to be over but it isn't. He knows all about me it seems, because she tells him everything the good and the bad.

OP posts:
inshockrightnow · 22/08/2018 10:36

You are in pain. This isn't right. I think you know this. I was in an on/off relationship with a man for 15 years (we lived in different countries). We still hook up sonetimes when we are both single because there is incredible chemistry.

I would never be in contact with him when I'm in a relationship with someone else.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If you feel uneasy, then end it. You should be having the time of your life at this stage.

Perhaps she is telling him all about you to make him he. Did you think of that?

Original poster
1Skittles8 · 22/08/2018 10:36

Also...

Until a few weeks ago she kept photos of him on her living room wall. Again, we argued over this a couple of times. Her excuse was that she didnt have photos to replace them if they were removed. Evetually she did and now im on the wall but i think why she let the situation drag on, i didnt think i was being unreasonable.

OP posts:
fannycraddock72 · 22/08/2018 10:37

I’d be asking myself the question “Do i really want to be with someone who’s willing to have/had a relationship with a married man”

If that’s not a massive red flag then I don’t know what is. Secondly relationships that progress very quickly are so often too good to be true, I know because its happened to me so I speak from experience. I also understand that the intense start to a relationship can be very difficult to walk away from..my advice though would be run! Run to the hills!

inshockrightnow · 22/08/2018 10:39

OK, just saw the photos comments. She's still in love with him. I'm sorry. How utterly disrespectful to you. She is full of crap. Nothing to put in the frames? How about just putting the frames away till she has a photo (other than her ex lover)!!

Original poster
1Skittles8 · 22/08/2018 10:43

Thing is, when its good its bloody amazing, never felt so strongly for a girl so walking away isnt easy. Ive tried and she's always managed to stop me by saying the right things.
She's already had to block one other male "friend" because he was relentless in coming onto her, banter or not boundaries werent respected and i put my foot over that saying i wasnt going to put up with it as she seemed content to just let him carry on. So i feel if i make her choose again then maybe that would be it for us and id also question whether im one of those controlling types? Of course i don't want to be that guy and never have been previously in relationships. This situation is all new t9 me, never had to deal with exes being on the scene.

OP posts:
inshockrightnow · 22/08/2018 10:47

Her ego is more important to her than you are. She is likely damaged that her big love didn't leave his wife for her and she needs male interest (and lots of it) to boost her self esteem.

It all sounds such a struggle.

Original poster
1Skittles8 · 22/08/2018 11:03

It can be a struggle.
She uses the double standards card though whenever i bring it up and she does have a point. I do jave contact with a girl i dated some time ago but i never had string feelings there and we are genuinely just friends, don't chat on the phone at all, hardly see eachother, its usually just to catch up every few weeks. So when i say about giving her ex up she comes back at me with that. Of course, the relationships were very different as to are the current friendships it would seem.
Really don't know how to proceed, far i know she's been honest with me. Their friendship may be genuine, in which case walking away would be the wrong thing to do?

OP posts:
inshockrightnow · 22/08/2018 11:27

Throwing an ex at you that you don't see and didn't have a long-term affair with is hardly the same thing.

Bottom line is you feel very uncomfortable with the situation.

I will say that anyone that can be in an affair for 10 years is well able to lie.

The keeping his photos in a frame would be the deal breaker. I know she eventually took them down, but she is clearly still deeply connected to him.

I'd walk, no question. But obviously the choice is yours.

inshockrightnow · 22/08/2018 11:31

Sorry, I should have said an ex don't ring on a weekly basis, not see

MMmomDD · 22/08/2018 11:36

OP - you are a controlling - but you do seem to be insecure with her. And for a good reason....

As I said - at 4mo - a good and happy relationship doesn’t have issues like yours - arguments over contact with exes; pictures on the walls; putting a foot down over other people....

Your experience of it being amazing is one-sided....
She isn’t all into it - like you. And may meet be.
You are a rebound at best.

Sorry

JustAnotherPoster00 · 22/08/2018 11:47

This really isnt going to end well, you need to be done, if its like this 4 months in its not going to get better and from having been in a similar position the best thing you can do is go NC once you do leave, sorry you're going through this and I hope you find the strength and conviction to leave Flowers

SandyY2K · 22/08/2018 11:49

I think she's still in love with him.

She's with you because he hasn't left his wife and she clearly (like her MM) has no respect for marriage.

For 10 years she hung in there hoping and now as time is ticking along...she realises she'll miss out on having kids if she doesn't get a move on.

She can't have the one she loves...so she's trying to see if she can love the one she's with. That's you

You want to blame the MM for stringing her along. She was complicit in the affair and I'd be seriously concerned about her boundaries, morals, values and judgement.

No one's perfect...but this is a major character flaw for me.

Original poster
1Skittles8 · 22/08/2018 11:50

A rebound at best hey? Totally disagree with that, like i said when its good its the best and she goes out of her way for me, as do i for her. We see eachother most days, we say we want the same things from life, marriage, family etc we want that with eachother.
Yes im insecure about this situation but at times so is she. That could be down to fear of losing what we have, she's been second best for 10 years and now ive come along and i make her feel good. She's introduced me to all her family and most friends, she plasters photos of us all over fb, so no i don't agree with the rebound comment at all!

OP posts:
Musti · 22/08/2018 11:52

I wouldn't like nor accept this. That's a bloody long time to be the other woman. She still hasn't accepted that he's never going to be hers.

Saffy60 · 22/08/2018 11:59

I haven't read all the posts OP but she is using you.

For 10 years she was the other woman. She loved him...he ran back to his wife.

Now she has leveled the playing field she has you. The scales are even. Wife on one side and you on the other.

Simple as that!!!

If I was you I would get off your end of the scales and run for the hills.....you may be very lucky and after a length of time she may realise what she has lost......and come and get you...but would you ever trust her...???

Original poster
1Skittles8 · 22/08/2018 12:00

I shouldn't leave someone because of their past though surely. We all have a past and things we regret doing. Im trying to judge her on how she is with me and things that are happening now

OP posts:
RatRolyPoly · 22/08/2018 12:03

Oh gawd, you're heading for a massive fall....

You're four months in. This isn't right. But you'll no doubt think your love is stronger than that, the good times are so worth it, the words and actions that make you love her outweigh the words and actions that belie her actual character, and the fact that she can be both at once - so convincingly - should be screaming at you that you absolutely should not trust her, not now, not ever. But of course you'll want to find out for yourself what comes of situations like these. I can tell you it won't be any different for you. You can think it will, but it won't.

RatRolyPoly · 22/08/2018 12:04

We all have a past and things we regret doing.

When you regret something you don't speak to it weekly on the phone.

That's not what regret looks like.

Original poster
1Skittles8 · 22/08/2018 12:09

So if she's making do because the clock is ticking or in fact on the rebound, would she be seeing me nearly everyday, wanting to plan our lives together, introduce me to friends and family, worried about losing me etc

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 22/08/2018 12:11

Rebounds are always fabulous! You talk, you laugh, you plan the future. You proclaim to the world, and fb, that you're over your ex (especially when you're not!). They're a way of having everything you wanted in the previous relationship quickly and intensely. But unfortunately they are not real, but a projection of what you really wanted onto the new person.
How long had they split up before this intense relationship with you started? Did she give herself time to heal or jump to you?
Even if she hadn't been sleeping with him for ten years, they are still having an emotional affair. Albeit one you know about. She tells him everything, even about you. He is her go to for emotional support, her go to about day to day trivia, her go to about you. Are you happy with her going over your insecurities with their contact WITH HIM?

Do you really believe if he left his wife tomorrow, she'd still be with you? Or would she be running back to him?

Your love does not conquer all.

AdoreTheBeach · 22/08/2018 12:12

Oh OP. I’m so sorry for you. You’re clearly head over heels for your GF. Inside, you know this contact with ex isn’t right, hence why you feel as you do.

With your reply to the GF being in the rebound, I can feel your hurt but not wanting to accept facts. Even though she plasters photos on FB, introduces you to family and friends - this is still rebound. People have even been known to marry on the rebound.

Your GF has not detached from her EX, hence the regular contact. She is still emotionally his and is trying to have you when she can’t have him.

If you love someone and are committed to them, you don’t have this level of emotional connection to another. If you read various posts on MN, you’ll see just how many situations there are with a partner having emotional affairs. This is what is happening with your GF and her EX.

You’re 4 months in, end it now before you become too invested.

You sound lovely OP. There will be a person out there for you, who will love you for you, want to be with you for you - not as second best or biding time.

RatRolyPoly · 22/08/2018 12:14

Skittles you have to understand that when people mess you around they're very rarely doing it on purpose. People don't go out with an evil masterplan and manipulate those around them to fulfill it; very rarely at any rate.

Usually the people that mess you around and break your heart are lying to themselves and trying very hard to work out how to be happy by avoiding dealing with difficult feelings and trying to squeeze themselves into a neat little box of "success" without doing the work they need to do on themselves and their characters.

Your gf's actions quite clearly demonstrate a lot of unresolved feelings on her part. Clearly. And the fact that she is so head over heels with you, whilst encouraging from your perspective, it's actually equally worrying when you take it alongside her reluctance to let go of this man who she's been cheating with for ten years!

The people who end up wasting our time and breaking our hearts very rarely look like raging, narcissistic psychopaths. Often the very turmoil inside them and the strength of their emotions is magnetic. Do you really think this is someone whose situation screams "stable and resolved" at you?

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