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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Contact with the ex

74 replies

1Skittles8 · 22/08/2018 10:10

So I'll start with the question, how much contact with an ex is too much?

Here's my situation, been with my girlfriend now for 4 months, not long at all but we love eachother and the relationship has been very intense.
She told me very early on that she sometimes met up with her ex, just as friends of course. When i say he's her ex, they were never really properly together as he was married and cheating, their 'relationship' lasted 10 years! When she initially said this i didnt think too much into it, after all i remained friends with the last girl i dated for a few months.
So now, i don't believe since we have been together that my girlfriend has met up with the ex however i do know that they phone eachother often, im guessing every week and usually on lunch breaks.
I then began thinking, what can they possibly talk about every week, my girlfriend doesnt chat to her best friends as often as she does with him? The fact that he's married and theyre still having to do these sneaky calls so his wife doesnt find out, bothers me. Am i right to be bothered though, far as i know my girlfriend has been honest with me. Part of me is scared of losing her, she was the other woman for 10 years and this loser has strung her along for long enough in my eyes, he had hos chance and he cgose his wife so i fail to see why my girlfriend would even want to remain friends with him?
Thoughts?

OP posts:

Original poster

1Skittles8 · 22/08/2018 14:40

MMmom, wouldn't call it pointless. I came here for a reality check, as i thought i may have been over thinking things.

OP posts:

Original poster

1Skittles8 · 22/08/2018 14:50

I appreciate the time you guys have taken to share your opinion on this. Some of it i knew deep down, some of it had shed more light onto the matter. However, i can't throw it away, not yet as she hasnt to my knowledge done anything wrong, except disregard my feelings maybe at times. Ive told her if she wants the future we have talked about so many times already then at some point things would have to change. I want it to be her own decision though and if i need to give her a bit more time then ill try.

OP posts:

Musti · 22/08/2018 15:19

Yes but maybe she needs to see that she risks losing you for her to choose. If she knows you're available regardless she may not value you. She has been after what she can't have for 10 years after all.

Saffy60 · 22/08/2018 15:28

OP - Nobody can tell you what to do but it is obvious from what you say that you are not being valued. Also ask yourself - is she having an affair with him emotionally? Is this really good enough for you OP??? Are you unworthy of someone to love you and only you? Of course not! Why should you put up with this because she is too selfish to sort herself out. If she doesn't want to cut ties with him she is obviously still in love with him!
I am still "in touch" with an ex of mine on Facebook, we exchange a message or share something...maybe twice or 3 times a year. It isn't romantic, it is usually funny or music related. THAT is normal.
You need to start to look after yourself and realise that you deserve to be treated better than this. there are many women out there that will treat you as you deserve OP I promise!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

SandyY2K · 22/08/2018 15:57

I believe if i said the calls have to stop then she would. She may hate me for it though, making her choose

You shouldn't have to tell her to stop. She should do it because it's the right thing. Because he's married and it's not an innocent friendship.

he's still keeping it hush hush from his wife, obviously.

Of course he is. It's an affair.

Be easier if i knew what they spoke about each week

Do you think they talk about the weather?

I'll tell you what's typical in this situation.

MM - I hate that you're dating.

GF - I waited as long as I could. You promised you'd leave her.
MM - I will
GF- You said you'd leave when X was 5. Then you said you'd leave after Christmas. Then her mum got sick..Then she hit pregnant. I'd leave OP tomorrow if you left your wife.

MM - It's not that easy. I wish I met you before her. Your my best friend. I miss you.

GF - I miss you too...but I'm trying to make it work with OP. He's a good guy. He's not You, but I can't continue being a secret.

Believe me when I say I've seen it many many times.

She's not ready to let go of him completely. Of course it's easy to introduce you to family...You're not married

Who would want to introduce their married lover to family and friends.

Your GF is attached to him. You can choose to ignore this...but she is. If not she'd go NC of her own accord.

I'd put money on her dumping you if HE was offering more.

She wants it to work with You, because he's not a viable option...because he's another woman's husband...and your GF has had no issue sleeping eith him for a decade.

He holds a place in her heart and probably always will.

I'm tempted to ask a bunch of past and present OWs what they'd make if this and feedback to you.

You might think I'm being harsh...but I'm honestly not.

I've supported several OW and OM with their affair struggles and it's much the same.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 22/08/2018 16:38

She’s using you to make him jealous , you’re a prop . Finish with her and move on to someone who is worth your time. Healthy relationships aren’t this difficult.

SandyY2K · 22/08/2018 17:02

As for him feeling like he won the lottery...it's more like he found a woman willing to be a secret for a decade while he had the best of both worlds.

He had a wife keeping home and to go out with in public and do the normal things a couple does and your GF (younger woman)
who provided extra marital fun and boosted his ego.

He was onto a good thing...most OW wake up and smell the coffee before a decade.

So...if you had a willing side piece for a decade...would you be willing to let her go so easily? In the off chance that the ongoing contact is i innocent on her part (which I doubt)... being blunt he wants to get her back under him horizontally.

Original poster

1Skittles8 · 30/08/2018 09:16

So this morning, it ended :(

OP posts:

HereIgoagainxx · 30/08/2018 09:56

I'm sorry skittles. How are you coping?

RatRolyPoly · 30/08/2018 09:59

Skittles. Do you have a good cup of tea to hand? If you need to talk we're here.

Original poster

1Skittles8 · 30/08/2018 09:59

Feel like ive messed things up by not trusting her

OP posts:

RatRolyPoly · 30/08/2018 10:02

I can assure you with complete confidence that's not what's happened here. She's realised you're not someone who's going to sit quietly in the background whilst she walks all over your boundaries for the sake of her "true love", so I'm afraid that makes you not what she's looking for. But you're not looking to be the patsy for her unfulfilled love affair either, so whilst I know you must be feeling really sad right now, there's something better out there for you.

HereIgoagainxx · 30/08/2018 10:07

Why should you trust her? She was in an affair for 10 years that involved a great deal of deception and she continued to be in touch with this man on a huge scale during the early phase of your relationship.

I wouldn't have trusted her either.

Gingerlover2 · 30/08/2018 10:26

For a while you'll have your rose tinted spectacles on about your relationship with her, but once they've fallen off, and they will, you'll look back and realise she wasn't the right woman for you at all. Keep busy, hang out with good friends and keep reading the advice on here.

certificateofauthenticity · 30/08/2018 10:48

In time I'm sure you will see things more clearly, and see things for what they were. I'm sure it's not easy now, but at least you have certainty back in your life and are not becoming more paranoid. It's true what people have said about trust, how could you ever have trusted a person who was so deceitful for so long. All the best.

Santaclarita · 30/08/2018 11:45

She is cheating on you with him. She is waiting for him to realise she's the one and leave his wife for her. Which he's never going to do.

You can find better. She's an idiot at best. A cheating bitch at worst.

Original poster

1Skittles8 · 30/08/2018 12:02

We had something special, when it was good. Hard to get that across on here

OP posts:

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 30/08/2018 12:29

I’ll say it . She’s a tramp and not worthy of your tears or heart. You’ve dodged a bullet, won’t feel like it now but trust me you have.

HereIgoagainxx · 30/08/2018 12:31

I'm sure it wasn't all bad, but bottom line is he means more to her than you. She pretended he didn't, and probably convincingly because she is used to lying, but he does

Original poster

1Skittles8 · 30/08/2018 12:34

Past is the past though right and we all make mistakes? She said she would cease all contact between the two of them, no way of knowing of she ever did. She was into me and said all the right things, my issues with trust is what ultimately caused us to call it quits

OP posts:

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 30/08/2018 12:37

Look if she really was a good loyal girl there is no way she would still be talking to her ex. You just don’t do that stuff. You were in the right so don’t blame yourself , she is defective not you.

RatRolyPoly · 30/08/2018 12:42

She was into me and said all the right things, my issues with trust is what ultimately caused us to call it quits

She was into you and said all the right things.

But she didn't do all the right things if she had really been all that into you.

She was happy when all she had to do was throw you a few pretty words and she could carry on doing whatever she liked. But you asked her to act like she cared about you... and she just isn't prepared to.

That isn't your fault.

RatRolyPoly · 30/08/2018 12:43

Past is the past though right and we all make mistakes?

And on this front, yes, definitely. I agree. But her talking to this guy every week - this guys she has MASSIVE history with - was not "the past". It was RIGHT NOW. And it wasn't okay.

HereIgoagainxx · 30/08/2018 12:48

You so want to believe she loved you. Can you see if she did you'd be together and he'd be out of the picture? That's what happens when we love someone, we let go of the past and focus on the future.

She didn't want to give him up. Lay the blame at your feet if you want but try and take the rose-tinted glassed off.

She sounds incredibly manipulative. Even the using of your own ex to somehow let herself off the hook with her own carry-on. You said yourself it wasn't t the same thing with your ex, and you were right. Stop buying into her utter crap

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