Contact with the ex

[1Skittles8]

So I'll start with the question, how much contact with an ex is too much?

Here's my situation, been with my girlfriend now for 4 months, not long at all but we love eachother and the relationship has been very intense.
She told me very early on that she sometimes met up with her ex, just as friends of course. When i say he's her ex, they were never really properly together as he was married and cheating, their 'relationship' lasted 10 years! When she initially said this i didnt think too much into it, after all i remained friends with the last girl i dated for a few months.
So now, i don't believe since we have been together that my girlfriend has met up with the ex however i do know that they phone eachother often, im guessing every week and usually on lunch breaks.
I then began thinking, what can they possibly talk about every week, my girlfriend doesnt chat to her best friends as often as she does with him? The fact that he's married and theyre still having to do these sneaky calls so his wife doesnt find out, bothers me. Am i right to be bothered though, far as i know my girlfriend has been honest with me. Part of me is scared of losing her, she was the other woman for 10 years and this loser has strung her along for long enough in my eyes, he had hos chance and he cgose his wife so i fail to see why my girlfriend would even want to remain friends with him?
Thoughts?

I will agree with a pp, you do sound lovely.

Some tough talking here but seems that it is needed.

So you've been arguing with her, calling off the relationship etc more or less since you met her. No, it is not supposed to be like this.

A massive red flag is how much contact she still has with an ex she obviously still has feelings for.

This is not a great start to a relationship and you need to ask yourself why you're putting up with her behaviour.

She may be on the rebound, she may regret the fact she knowingly slept with another woman's husband for ten years but she's not displaying signs that she is over him or regret so both are likely to be true.

I am sure she likes you, enjoys your company etc but all the time she is in contact with her previous lover things between you will never work.

I have ex's I keep in touch with but only the occasional conversation, likes on FB etc and maybe we meet up for lunch if I am in London but I suspect she is holding on like she has for the last ten years in the hope he may actually leave.

Two choices here, put up and shut up, deal with the situation but don't mention it or give her an ultimatum, either quit talking to your ex or I am out. You'll soon find out who is more important.

Last year they stopped seeing eachother, girlfriend dated a guy earlier this year but he was a peter pan type apparently so that didnt last

I shouldn't leave someone because of their past though surely.
Yes, but it is not the past. It's the present. I agree with what sandyY2K says. Absolutely on the nail. She still is in a relationship with him. They are still in a relationship. There will be no closure on this issue until they actually end it.

I believe if i said the calls have to stop then she would. She may hate me for it though, making her choose and being controlling and this insecure, its not attractive. I hate how i feel, its new to me but i think im in my mid 30s and i know what i want so why should i just put up with it

Their whole relationship is built on secrecy and what might be. They had none of the drudgery of day to day living, it was always exciting and your ex probably lived for anytime they could see and contact each other. She's still doing it now.

You're at the 4 month stage. It should all be absolutely magical and she should hardly have time to think about her friends (like you are feeling). Yet she's still contacting her affair partner every week. Why? Maybe to make him jealous or because he's still a very important part of her life and he's her first choice.

I stay in touch with many of my exes but always very superficially and openly on Facebook etc. I didn't mind my exes keeping in touch with their exes either.

Look, you are NOT being controlling or insecure. Yes, If we were talking about an ex, a proper ex, then you may have a point and I would be the first to point that out, but this is a man she's been in a relationship for TEN YEARS, albeit a deceptive relationship where it seems her MARRIED lover has had her on a lead for that period, making promises he can't keep, always saying he'll' leave when the kids are older or some other excuse, and so now she's in another relationship he's not letting her go. One of them needs to go NO CONTACT and neither of them is. So you're possibly heading for even more heartbreak if you don't nip it in the bud.

I suggest you do put your foot down as you really have no other option if you want a happy, healthy relationship.

I'd love for there to be no contact but then she's entitled to have friends, that's normal. I just hate the secrecy between the two, he's still keeping it hush hush from his wife, obviously. Be easier if i knew what they spoke about each week, who rings who etc. If he's a friend then act like open friends

His poor wife! Your partner doesmt sound like a very nice person.
You are her option B because she cant have her option A.

You’re not judging her on her past though, are you? You’re rightly judging her on her present. Which is being in frequent, emotionally deep content with an ex affair partner. This guy had such a hold over her, she loved him so very much she was willing to be second best, a dirty secret, for a DECADE while she put photos of him on her walls. The love and bond she feels for him is clearly more than she feels for you given that she’s unwilling to end contact with him for your relationship. She was second best to him for so long, now you’re allowing yourself to be second best to this guy.

Yes im insecure about this situation but at times so is she. That could be down to fear of losing what we have, she's been second best for 10 years and now ive come along and i make her feel good.

She isn’t insecure or afraid of losing what she has with you. Don’t be silly! I know you’d love to believe that cos it’d make you feel like her actions are just the sign of a woman who loves you so much she’s scared to lose you, but that’s just fantasy.

If she was insecure about losing you or the relationship she sure as hell wouldn’t be openly disrespecting it and jeopardising it for a few chats with this guy.

In fact I’d say she feels extremely secure that she can do whatever she likes and you’ll stay with her. She has no respect for you sadly.

You might believe you make her feel good, I’m sure to an extent you do. But the place she’s at at the moment? You don’t make her feel as good as her ex affair partner does and probably never will.

Sorry to be harsh but you did ask.

Try this: tell her you don’t want a relationship with a partner who’s still in contact with their ex, that you’ll stop contacting yours happily and expect her to do the same, or the relationship has no future.

Or are you reluctant to state your needs cos you already know she’ll pick him?

I'd love for there to be no contact but then she's entitled to have friends, that's normal.

Yeah, there's "having friends" and then there's this. This is not having friends. This is not, by anybody's book, normal.

Like you say, if he were a friend...

OP - this is exactly how a rebound would be.
A woman is in love with someone unavailable. She hangs around for 10years, waiting and hoping....
Then realises time is running out and he will never leave his wife...
She meets someone who is available as has all the qualities the other man didn’t have. New man wants her and a future, and showers her with love, that she craves.
She throws herself into that, because it feels good and she’s been needing it for a long time...

Yet - there is a small problem - she wanted it all with the other man....
So - she doesn’t sever ties with him.

Sounds familiar?

You don’t want to believe it. Ok.
Some rebounds do work out.
Maybe yours will. Just put being the ‘not quite the own’ out of your head.

‘Not quite the ONE’

I am sorry

This is not a real suggestion, but if you threatened to tell the other person's partner I am sure you would see who's side she is really on and how deep her feelings are, for both of you. Maybe that would open your eyes. I have exes as friends, but it is all open and accountable, to my wife and the partners of these friends.

Ok, she has stated she would stop contact if i asked it. I feel this would come at a price though.
Also she is scared of losing me because like i said in an earlier post, she has stopped me from physically leaving and calling it a day. Why would she do that if she wasnt into me. Line me up alongside this other guy and id be confident she'd choose me because ill give her everything she could want, plus im younger and better looking haha.
I can't get why she acts the way she does, its all for his benefit. The secret calls

You have a lot of sympathy for your partner. For 10 years she was complicit in an affair. She has really got you hooked. She isn't all sweetness, although I know you don't want to accept that

She is not chatting to a friend. She is having an emotional affair with a married man.

If you're only 4 months in and already arguing then this relationship is doomed, never mind everything else. You clearly love her but she is still into her ex, sorry.

Ok, she has stated she would stop contact if i asked it. I feel this would come at a price though.

What price? So what? Your relationship won’t survive anyway if she keeps doing it. She’ll have zero respect for you and it’ll eat away at you. Her current ongoing actions with him come at a price, you’re on here for starters seeking advice and it’s harming the relationship.

Also she is scared of losing me because like i said in an earlier post, she has stopped me from physically leaving and calling it a day. Why would she do that if she wasnt into me.

She probably enjoys your time together and wants attention and to be loved and adored by someone. Ideally for her it’d be from the other guy, but if she can’t have that then you’ll do. Look, you might be totally fine with that. Maybe you’re willing to accept you’ll always be second best to this guy and tolerate how it makes you feel for her to keep contact with him in order to be with her. That’s totally your decision, just don’t delude yourself.

Line me up alongside this other guy and id be confident she'd choose me because ill give her everything she could want, plus im younger and better looking haha.

Why are you confident she’ll choose you when she was so into this other guy she was willing to be a secret, have no future with him, have no real relationship or family or cohabit or anything, just to be with him? And the younger and better looking thing is meaningless. Some women prefer older men and he was surely good looking enough for her to be interested for many years.

I can't get why she acts the way she does, its all for his benefit. The secret calls

Because if his wife finds out they’d have to stop? Surely that’s obvious?

OP you shouldn't have to ask her to stop the Phone calls and contact with an ex, she shouldn't want to be in contact this much.

This man has strung her along and she's allowed herself to be treated that way and unfortunately probably always will, boyfriend or not her loyalty is with.

Ask yourself if this man suddenly became single, would your GF stick with you or run to him? If it's not instinctively you then you know where you stand.

If she really wanted you she wouldnt be talking to him. She has been emotionally invested in this man for 10years, thats got to be some pretty strong and intense feelings there for her to have stuck around for so long when he wouldnt give her the relationship she craves with him as he wont leave his wife sounds like shes addicted to him.
When you are new to dating someone you REALLY like you generally dont want to fuck it up, so calls to exs like him would be stopped as she would be really keen on creating a relationship with you and her sole focus on wanting you.
She may want you yes, you are her comfortable shoes, the one who treats her well that she can relie on, that she can have when she wants, that when she pisses you off because she cant help but talk to the other man she knows she can make you stay because, well.. you always do. She can stop you from leaving when you try to. You are her dependable partner but shes addicted to the rush the other man gives her, you will never give her that.

Shes not good enough for you, aim higher.

She probably is into you.

She's just into him more. And always will be.

I'm sure part of her would like to move on, and maybe that's what she's trying to kid herself she's doing with you - fake it till you make it?

But she's not over him, by a very long way .

OP - this thread is absolutely pointless. You clearly don’t want to consider anything you hear that goes against your imagined reality....

Most of us are older than you - and are female. So we know and can guess what she is feeling and why she is acting that way.
Some of us have observed OR been in rebounds where we wished the man in front of us has been someone else.

So - do what you wish with this all.
And good luck.

“I hate how i feel, its new to me but i think im in my mid 30s and i know what i want so why should i just put up with it”

OP - I think you have answered your own question and deep down, realise this relationship is not right for you. You e not been happy with the multiple people advising you of the same thing.

Please, please safeguard your heart. This will not end well for you. Your GF still loves her ex, she is still in an emotional relationship with him. Knowing how you feel about this, wouldn’t you think someone who loves you would stop that communication with the ex (especially when there are no other ties, ie no children, no family bonds, no finances). She would stop out of love for you, respect for you and respect for your relationship. You shouldn’t have to ask.

So here is blatant proof she is NOT willing, of her own accord, to put your relationship first. It’s not the one she values the most.

Op, you’re worth having a relationship where you are first, respected and loved for her you are - not as a substitute or second best. You will fund someone else and it will be less painful the quicker you end this before investing more or you into this relationship. Already you’re showing signs of anxiety - you’re now wanting to know more about how often they talk, how long, what about. These are all things we hear in MN when husbands are having affairs.

Oh OP, you can't only look at the things she does that support what you want to hear, and fob off all the things she's doing that challenge it.

Unfortunately yes she can absolutely be enjoying your company, your commitment and the fact you actually want to be with her, whilst still being very attached to this man she clearly does not want to give up. As others have pointed out, you are filling the gaps in her emotional needs, obviously she wants you to keep doing that, so she will reciprocate the sentiments to sustain it.
You need to focus more on the other facts here which are that she does not want to give him up, or she already would have, even though she knows it's not conducive to a good relationship with you ( or anyone, its just common sense).
That she is someone who thinks its ok to have an affair, and doesn't care about the impact of that, on his wife or their family, or on you.

This isn't about what a prize she is in your eyes, that he must have felt like he'd won the lottery etc is all really just rose-tinted glasses. If he had wanted her that much he'd have left his wife wouldn't he, not spent a decade struggling to work out whether she was worth doing that for before deciding she definitely was not.
It also isn't about who on paper is better, you or he- She has you on a plate and is still thinking about, and engaging with him, when she possibly can, and sharing personal emotional information (probably about you some of the time) in efforts to sustain her bond with him. She might 'choose' you in your hypothetical scenario but she doesn't actually have much choice really, since she can't 'choose' him as he isn't actually on (full) offer. If you leave, she has nothing, hence why she doesn't want you to, the heart still will want what it wants.

That doesn't mean she doesn't like you or like things about you, of course, but it certainly means she doesn't like you enough.

10 years is a long time. Do not be fooled into thinking that her saying she will immediately drop it, means it will be the end of it. Look at the lengths she has already gone to.

You should not be this full of doubt and jealousy and comparing yourself to another person in a 4 month relationship. For your own sake don't take her agreement to take the photos down or 'stop talking to him' ( aka, stop for a while, or just hide it from you, she has form for lying remember, a 10 year affair) as proof of her love for you. Being in love can do funny things to us, but listen to the sensible people here.