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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really trying to not contact him

52 replies

Hopeful2102 · 22/08/2018 00:30

Hi mumsnet

I'll get straight in, met this guy at work he seemed nice we went on a couple of dates didn't speak for ages. Meet up again round a year later another few dates sleep together, I fall pregnant and in this time find out he has two other kids (he admits this after we sleep together, although I did suspect from before and kept asking him). I then have a missed miscarriage and lose my job. He offers to take me away to make up for the fact that he left me alone whilst going through the miscarriage, to take my mind off not having a job and all the stress basically. Whilst away we argue, end up having our first physical altercation in the hotel room and he kicks me out literally knowing I have no where to go. There has been so much that has happened between now and then but I'm trying to create the picture of how things were in the relationship. Basically this weekend everything came to a head, we had moved out together a couple of months ago and to cut a long story short I now don't live at the flat I took out for us and have left my home city that's how bad things have gotten. I really thought I was being strong but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. Or at least the nice him or the him I thought I knew. I miss his voice, his smell, his laugh, just everything. I feel so lost & I'm trying really hard not to contact him, I know everyone will be disappointed in me if I do, he probably won't want to speak to me anyway. I don't even know what to say the whole thing is embarrassing.

OP posts:
inshockrightnow · 22/08/2018 00:34

I'm sorry you feel so low. Your self esteem must be on the floor to even want to contact him. He has treated you appallingly. Focus on the awful treat, not his nice smell and voice.

I think counselling for your self esteem would really benefit you. You deserve far more than what he offered you. Xx

inshockrightnow · 22/08/2018 00:35

Awful treatment*

Honeyroar · 22/08/2018 00:38

But the things you miss are not really him, they're just the facade, the good times. The whole of him includes the man that kicked you out, hurt you, left you alone when you had a miscarriage. Try and remember why it didn't work, not just the good bits.

Original poster
Hopeful2102 · 22/08/2018 00:57

@inshockrightnow so much has happened these past few days. Everyone is functioning around me & I'm just lost. I really just want it all to be a bad dream. I have so many feelings and questions, so many things I can't make sense of.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopeful2102 · 22/08/2018 01:02

@honeyroar But I'd be partly to blame too though. One person can't make a relationship work.

OP posts:
Sisterlove · 22/08/2018 02:49

This isn't a healthy relationship and you need to remember how bad he is.

Original poster
Hopeful2102 · 22/08/2018 08:23

I do it hasn't just disappeared but people can get better and make mistakes. We're only human

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 22/08/2018 10:05

He repeatedly made 'mistakes'. Deliberately and consciously.

Forgetting to call at arranged time = mistake. Abandoning you during miscarriage = conscious choice. Not mentioning two kids = conscious choice. Physical fight = conscious choice. Kicking you out with nowhere to go = conscious choice.

Stop romantising this bloke and your relationship. You had a couple of dates long ago. A year gap, then a couple of shags and you get pregnant. He vanishes AGAIN. Takes you on holiday, which is disaster. And then you decide living together is a good idea so you organise, and I presume pay for flat? Wtf? That lasts a couple of months and it's a disaster too!
You're pinning for him like you were together for years. Not bits of disasters strung out over years.
If you want a decent relationship, you need to pick a decent guy who is into you. This guy doesn't seem either decent or into you.

inshockrightnow · 22/08/2018 10:13

Great post , **thingsdogetbetter.

Op, it saddens me to think you would minimise such terrible treatment. Do you think he will suddenly become decent? You are kidding yourself.

HarmlessChap · 22/08/2018 10:22

Move on, the relationship is not going to work out.

Whilst away we argue, end up having our first physical altercation in the hotel room and he kicks me out literally knowing I have no where to go.

Which of you got physical? If it was him then that is even more reason to go, if it was you I'd have thrown you out too but I wouldn't have got back with you later.

puzzledlady · 22/08/2018 10:35

Wait - he hit you or you hit him? (got physical?) and you still want to try to make this relationship work? Sorry, you both dont sound right for each other. And why would he not be with you through such an awful time (miscarriage?) He also kept his children a secret - who does that?! Try to move on OP - you deserve better than him.

Thingsdogetbetter · 22/08/2018 11:08

Just noticed FIRST physical altercation. So more than one. You need the freedom programme OP, at the very least!

cakecakecheese · 22/08/2018 11:17

There's a difference between mistakes and just terrible behaviour. He did the second one. You definitely need to get some sort of help to work through this.

Original poster
Hopeful2102 · 22/08/2018 13:34

@thingsdogetbetter yeah we went on a couple of dates, he would message me asking to go out over that year but I went quiet on him.

Yeah a couple of shags I get pregnant, he tells me he wants the baby & to be with me. By this time I've met his brother mom and friends so yes I did think we were going somewhere. I didn't just think oh yeah we've had sex so he wants me because I feel that's how you've interpreted it.

During the miscarriage he would call me once a day but wasn't physically seen for the two weeks.

When on holiday we only went for a few day and he complained about us not being able to do anything because we were getting up late. So I got up early and got ready. He wakes up and takes his time. The room was a decent size but I'm not good when there's things everywhere so I started to clean up he then gets up to get ready. He made a comment I can't remember but we go back and forth it gets loud. I remember just thinking go outside have a cigarette so he can have space. He didn't want me to leave and stood infront of the door, I tell him to move and he tells me I'm not going and tryin to take my hand off the handle so I push him to wish he pushes back so I throw his pouch across the room and he grabs me and chokes me on the bed. This is when he proceeds to kick me out of the hotel, so I pack my stuff and get out of the room.

No I didn't pay for the flat just part.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopeful2102 · 22/08/2018 14:04

Not suddenly become decent but he could change over time

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 22/08/2018 15:37

A man putting his hands on your throat is a serious precursor to him killing you, not a mistake.

Seriously, run, don’t look back. This man is bad news. Whatever the ‘provocation’ any man who chokes you is not a decent man and never will be.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 22/08/2018 15:40

Read this article please:

an abuser is seven times more likely to kill you if they have choked you/someone else in the past

Ohyesiam · 22/08/2018 15:50

Op, you deserve so much more than this . You can have a man who respects you, has your back, is kind and communicates well, cherishes you andloves spending time with you.
Don’t compromise. An in satisfying relationship keeps pulling us back because we think we can make it better, make it work, but it’s an illusion.

rainbowruthie · 22/08/2018 15:55

He choked you and you want to give him another chance?

Saffy60 · 22/08/2018 18:02

When trying to get over someone it helps to write a numbered list of the bad things they have done both to you and to other people and refer to it whenever you are feeling a bit weak. This will also come in useful to take with you when you visit a counselor. My advise. Make a counseling appointment, read the list at the beginning of the appointment. This will establish why you want to go no contact and that way in your first session you will be given help to feel confident to stay away. good luck.

Original poster
Hopeful2102 · 22/08/2018 18:07

@myrelationshipisweird I thought maybe he choked me because he didn't want to hit me. He's never kicked or punched me like her husband though

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopeful2102 · 22/08/2018 18:09

@ohyesiam he does get better sometimes, that day when I finished work he'd made the bed and there was no mess for me to clean when I got home from work because I'd been complaining about it

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopeful2102 · 22/08/2018 18:15

@rainbowruthie people don't stay the same forever

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopeful2102 · 22/08/2018 18:16

@saffy60 but he has done nice things too

OP posts:
HarmlessChap · 22/08/2018 18:50

I thought maybe he choked me because he didn't want to hit me.

Choking is IMO a step beyond striking, having done a lot of martial arts I've both been choked and used chokes both competitively and in practice. Its not pleasant to be on the receiving end but you know that a couple of taps and it gets released, outside of a safe environment the choker literally holds your life in their hands and they know it. It's fundamentally a demonstration of power.