Really trying to not contact him

[Hopeful2102]

Hi mumsnet

I'll get straight in, met this guy at work he seemed nice we went on a couple of dates didn't speak for ages. Meet up again round a year later another few dates sleep together, I fall pregnant and in this time find out he has two other kids (he admits this after we sleep together, although I did suspect from before and kept asking him). I then have a missed miscarriage and lose my job. He offers to take me away to make up for the fact that he left me alone whilst going through the miscarriage, to take my mind off not having a job and all the stress basically. Whilst away we argue, end up having our first physical altercation in the hotel room and he kicks me out literally knowing I have no where to go. There has been so much that has happened between now and then but I'm trying to create the picture of how things were in the relationship. Basically this weekend everything came to a head, we had moved out together a couple of months ago and to cut a long story short I now don't live at the flat I took out for us and have left my home city that's how bad things have gotten. I really thought I was being strong but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. Or at least the nice him or the him I thought I knew. I miss his voice, his smell, his laugh, just everything. I feel so lost & I'm trying really hard not to contact him, I know everyone will be disappointed in me if I do, he probably won't want to speak to me anyway. I don't even know what to say the whole thing is embarrassing.

Of course he does nice things too. He's not stupid. If he was a violent wanker all the time you'd have left by now and won't be looking back. He's not being nice to you cos he loves and cares for you. He's being nice to manipulate you into being his punch bag. He'll change alright: he'll get worse!

Do you really think choking is better than hitting? Please read the link above! And you think him choking you instead of hitting you somehow shows his restraint and how much you mean to him? Wake up. The only acceptable abuse in a relationship is NONE.

You want him to change, but your wants don't change reality.

HE has to want to change and actually take professional steps to do so. And only once those steps have worked do you consider going back to him. Not before!

You can want and dream and hope all you like: makes no difference to the fact that he IS violent and will continue to be so.

He could have killed me then if he didn't love me. He even said he didn't like that he got like that and he never wants to do it again.

OMG. He choked you, but did kill you because he loves you???
People who love you don't hurt you. Not even once! What did you learn about love growing up?

You are determined to excuse his behaviour because he's a bit sorry and SAYS he doesn't like what he's done. It really shouldn't have been difficult to not choke someone. You just don't do it. He choose to choke you. Made a conscious choice to CHOKE you. That's not a sign of love
That's hate! You can't love that out of him. Doesn't work that way.

Please look into the freedom programme. Because I guarantee you'll be back on mn after the first black eye. Or the second. Maybe the broken arm or finger. But you will be back.

Didn't kill you.....

Love hurts sometimes. The people you love do and say things that are hurtful sometimes, that's what forgiveness is for right?

That's all romantic bollox! You're not in a Twilight film ffs. What age are you?

Love is not supposed to hurt! It's supposed to lift you up, made you feel happy and wanted and respected and SAFE.

You can forgive all you want, but your forgiveness will not change the fact, that without serious professional help and a strong desire to change, he WILL do it again. And again.

Use the wonderful thing called the internet and start researching domestic violence. You're living in a romantic haze. You're not the heroine is some rom-com where love conquers all and the bad boy realises he's been in love with the quiet girl all along.

This is real life. Men who choke, kill!

I'm out.

These, @Hopeful1202, are your words above... ohyesiam he does get better sometimes, that day when I finished work he'd made the bed and there was no mess for me to clean when I got home from work because I'd been complaining about it

Now this is how someone who isn't being abused and pushed down and treated like shit would word that sentence, 'he has only made the bed and tidied his mess ONCE after me asking him repeatedly to do it. I'm knackered when I get home from work and just wish he'd do it off his own bat without me needing to resort to asking what most people should just notice and do.'

If that's him getting better, op, run a fucking country mile. Without the strangling. And to go straight to strangling you suggests he's done it before to some other poor woman and he is just comfortable / accustomed to that level now. Normally they push up the level from s shove, throwing things, then up to throwing those things at you, then w slap, then an arm twisted etc, etc. Be very concerned that he has gone straight to strangling please. He is a nasty bastard and you need to delete his number and get as far away as possible. Now.

Oh my goodness.

"I thought maybe he choked me because he didn't want to hit me. He's never kicked or punched me"

People who don't want to hit other people show that by not hitting them. Not by choking them instead. You also have to use way more force, more prolonged to choke than to hit. He MEANT to choke you.

Why the heck are you not FURIOUS about the way this guy has treated you? Get angry. Get VERY angry, because he has REPEATEDLY violated your boundaries VERY BADLY. He's done a number on you too.

Contact a mental health or domestic abuse charity helpline right now please. Right now. I don't mind if you start the sentence off "my friends tell me I'm being abused but they don't understand he's good really". Read them this thread, or at a minimum just the posts you have written. Please, please, please do this ten come back and tell us you've done it. Big hugs xxxx

Love hurts sometimes. The people you love do and say things that are hurtful sometimes, that's what forgiveness is for right?

The people you love (and who love you) might accidentally say yes your bum does look big in those jeans.

They don't physically attack you, ever, in any circumstances. I promise you.

They don't shut you out of your hotel in a strange place with nowhere else to go. Not even once.

They aren't somebody who you can ever use the phrase "he could have killed me" about. Ever.

They aren't somebody who has a reason to say he didn't like that he got like that and he never wants to do it again. Ever. Not just in disney tales, in real life.

They aren't somebody whose actions you justify because they're nice sometimes too, and hey, at least they didn't kick or punch or kill you. Ever.

He has thrown things at me before only small things like my clothes, he threw the key at me in the car.

I was furious at the start.

Fucking hell. He made the bed? He didn't leave you a mess to clean up? Brilliant. Sweet jesus. This man sounds absolutely awful. Run for the hills and don't look back. Listen to PP - they know. I am trying to extract myself from an abusive relationship. Please don't be me!

I’m sad because I feel so lost, I don’t understand why I amiss him. I literally have nothing left.

Op, you need professional help. I'm so sorry but you have all kinds of really, REALLY sick and untrue ideas about relationships. You need help and to heal before you date anyone again.

Choking is significantly more violent and dangerous than hitting.

You don't "just" choke someone because you "love" them. People who choke you are people that you need to never see again because they will kill you.

Men who murder women are always "nice sometimes". That's how they get close enough to murder them.

Love is NEVER supposed to hurt, ever. If it hurts that means something is terribly wrong and you need to leave immediately.

Someone who tells you they love you isn't necessarily a good person. Folk can say all kinds of things - but someone who is violent, has to be removed from your life. Actions count. Words are cheap.

Do you have mental health conditions? Do you have a care team? You need RL support.

I was diagnosed with depression as a teen then I started having very bad anxiety last year, suicidal thoughts pretty much all the time. MH teams don’t help they just gave me tablets that made me feel spacey. When I went to the MH hospital the nurse was horrible & there was no doctor. It took so much courage to even go there, to get no where.

My love. I am so sorry to hear they haven't helped you in a way that's worked.

I'm very worried about you. You're in danger. Can you talk to your parents?

Aim higher OP, you can do better than be with an abuser, it doesn’t matter how many ‘nice’ things he’s done, they are null and void when abuse of any type comes into a relationship

My mom died when I was 7. He told me I’m going to die just like my mom.

The man who I’ve always called or known as my dad when I was 16 I found out is not my real dad.

My real dad (the only other one who they say was my real dad) is dead. I’ve been staying with family since last week when he changed the locks but I know I’m burdening them and hate the feeling. It’s also embarrassing, they keep trying to get me to do things and it’s all draining. When I do have the energy to get things done I keep breaking down in public and that is embarrassing and draining too. I would give anything to just have never existed.

I'm so sorry for all the things you have lost. Truly. I can hear how tired you are feeling. I can't help you in any practical way. But I'm here holding your hand in spirit.

I think your family probably want the best for you. Try to let them take care of you. At least - that's what I want for you. Someone caring for you, even if they're not doing a perfect job of it.

A man who is violent and has lost his temper with a woman in the past soon begins to realise that leaving evidence is not in his favour. So hitting and slapping will leave a mark.

First they hit and slap just anywhere, often the face. Big slap across the cheek, or a black eye. That adverises itself!

Then they get more cunning and will hit on the body, These marks don't show unless you go to the GP, go swimming etc but can still be seen.

Eventually they learn to hurt just as badly but leave no marks...this is EVEN MORE SINISTER!!!

Think about it....

You should talk to a counsellor or get some sort of support ongoing. Go to your GP and find out what's available to you.

Perhaps call Women's Aid or the Samaritans today.

It's not love, it's traumatic bonding you're feeling.

I called the Samaritans but couldn’t tell her what was happening.

He’s a narcissist.

@myrelationshipisweird I thought maybe he choked me because he didn't want to hit me. He's never kicked or punched me like her husband though

You’d have been better off if he’d hit you. Sadly men who hit women are ten a penny. The ones who put their hands round your throat really mean business.

I was choked once by an ex, he only let go because I screamed so loudly I woke up my housemates, who pulled him off me and threw him out. God knows what would have happened if they hadn’t. I went back to him . I was young and naive - these days I know better. In the end I left him because he was always getting high despite telling me he’d quit smoking. Strange how our boundaries can be so high in one regard and not in another.

I know you want to believe that it was a mistake, that he’ll never do it again, but how many ways will YOU have to change the way you deal with him to try and prevent it happening again? You’ll be walking on eggshells trying not to provoke him for the rest of your life.

You can never trust this man, not with yourself and certainly not with any children you might have.

Sweetheart.... you need to stay away from this man ... please

I don’t know what made him stop, maybe he could see I couldn’t breathe.

I wish it would stop hurting.