I was abused (spat at/physically hit/belittled) why did I resort to shouting back?

[Putitallbehindme]

I’m recently out of an abusive marriage. I feel better in myself for being away from this man. He was both physically and emotionally abusive to me, put me down, called me an fcking cnt, spat at me and threatened to kill me.

I am from a loving family and previous to being with this man I hadn’t been someone to swear or make nasty comments.

I spent 7 years with this man. The abuse escalated and I was whittled down and down. I already had self esteem issues when I met him but he basically bullied me (called me useless/ugly etc)

Over the last couple of years I left him several times but I went back (stupidly) as he would always say he loved me and I just wanted to be loved. He is a handsome man who’s job gets lots of respect and admiration.

Anyway to cut a long story short after years of being verbally abused I started to rant back, even resorted to calling him names. I feel terrible for this as I’ve bever been like this before. He has also been recording these arguments.

Have any other abused women resorted to this??

x

Can anyone offer any advice or experience? x

Of course they have. It’s not that common for women to take abuse lying down, most resist in some way including physically which is called ‘violent resistance’.

You were simply resisting his control, trying to stand up to him and expressing your anger at being treated in such a way.

Thank-you TatianaLarina

It feels like I have been abused by this man and then when I have stood up to him after several years of ‘taking it’ he has abused me more by recording me during arguments, playing to his family and friends and then telling me they all think I’m mad and crazy and have mental problems.

x

This is a very common tactic of abusers - to make out that you have mental health issues, that you are the 'crazy ex' to make himself the victim!

You have (thankfully) left him. Don't engage with his nonsense, just be glad to be free!

OP, you haven't 'resorted' to anything all. You have simply tried to defend yourself as best you can.

Also, and more importantly, you're right in saying that his behaviour in recording these arguments and playing them to f&f is a continuation of the abuse. Understand that he is still trying to undermine and abuse you and that you are absolutely right to stand up for yourself.

Good on you for fighting back that's what I say!

Thankyou all so much ladies!

I’m so pleased to not be everyday worried what I’m saying and what he’ll think to what I’m saying.

I think I’m annoyed with myself I gave him the opportunity to whittle me down this much and sad he had managed to convince others I’m the ‘mental’ ex.

Thanks for all your support x

I'm with RyderWhiteSwan. You've had the good sense to escape from this man, so enjoy your freedom. You don't need to listen to his abuse any more.

You don't mention any DC which makes things much easier. If you had DC together you would have to be in touch but as things are you have no need to have any sort of conversation ever again. So don't.

He won't change, you know. He will never be the man you believe he could be. That's all a mirage. Who he is is the abuser you've had to escape from.

Prawnofthepatriarchy thankyou very much for taking the time to comment.

We do have a child together which means we will be in touch and another reason why I’m so upset about it.

I do agree though that I’m away from his abuse now and will try and build a new life for my beautiful wonderful child and I.

Because you are not a saint bearing all suffering in silence, you were a human being being treated terribly.

And because your partner knows exactly what, how and when to say the things that hurt you to ensure the strongest reaction possible.

If you had never reacted and sat in diginfied silence for years, I would suggest that would not have been natural, AT ALL!

My ex used to delight in showing me the wounds he sustained from me. This huge man would shove and throw me around, i would grab onto his arms from instinct trying to hold on or stop my fall. He had little nail marks on his hand, where I hung on. Not scratches not attacking marks, literally holding on. He was so pleased with it!
Had a talk with me about who was injured and what I needed to do about my behaviour! I felt such shame, never mind my bruises and falls I had, there were actual wounds on his hand from me. I am so sad to say it but even this little act of self preservation to hold on became something I really tried not to do as it was wrong...wasn't it?

I think these threads are a kind of therapy for people that have been abused. I can't imagine what it must be like to read them if you have only had healthy relationships, we must seem so ridiculous.

Everything seems very obvious from the outside but these situations really strip you of your ability to think clearly. There is extra pain afterwards as you question all your actions and words and try to understand what the hell just happened.

Having his family and friends think you are ‘mental’ ( and you only have his word for this) is a small price to pay to be free of the relationship. You have done nothing wrong. If you possibly can, take the view that it really no concern of yours what others think of you. You know the truth and that’s what matters.

With my Ex H, I refused to have anything to do with him. I mean anything - and that included his family and girlfriend(s).

I blocked his numbers and refused to speak to him on the phone (suspected he was trying to wind me up to record it), and when he rang me on a different phone and turned up at the house, I called the police who dealt with him.

We had children so I had to confirm arrangements, but only used brief emails. Funnily enough, he was achingly polite (although ridiculously pompous!) in those.

Honestly, fuck him. You owe him and his circle nothing. Take time to heal and find your self-esteem . Forgive yourself for being provoked into a bit of ranting; and work on resilience. And vent on here!

This is another post I wholeheartedly support:

Honestly, fuck him. You owe him and his circle nothing. Take time to heal and find your self-esteem . Forgive yourself for being provoked into a bit of ranting; and work on resilience. And vent on here!

IdahoJones is absolutely right. Hurling abuse at the bastard is entirely appropriate. If he tries recording you, just laugh and ask why he didn't record all the times he abused you. I'd guess it would be difficult to do, not having a hand spare at the time.

OpalIridescence I totally agree with what you are saying and I’m sorry you have been through a horrible relationship too. I am particularly familiar with the words “let’s talk about YOUR behaviour”

Thanks for your help xx

Jumperooh thanks so much. I will try to not be too upset by what his friends and family think of me. Problem is, I’m someone who what’s to be liked and please people so rather than being hurt by his abuse I’ve been left feeling down about my own behaviour. Thanks for your support x

IdahoJones

Thanks so much. Definelty like your word “resilience” I need to work on that.

He recorded me for hours like a childish game and thrives off being able to play it to parents to say “see, see what SHE’S like” he even clipped recordings, making me sound worse as you have no idea what he just said to me.

He himself has threatened to kill me.

He is poison and you got contaminated!

Not your fault.

Thank goodness you were objective enough to realise you were being poisoned and made your escape.

Lovely natured people seem to have no defense against poisonous people which is why they are the ones who usually get sucked into relationships like this.

Someone needs to develop a litmus test so it doesn't keep happening!

I would say always be on the look out for words or behaviour you would never say or do yourself as the first red flag and never brush off anger, road rage, bad mouthing others especially about exes, and find out about their past!

You can feel proud of your behaviour.

You stood up to him. You got away from him.

You have all the strength you need to build that beautiful life for you and your child.

People are not as stupid as your ex may think. They know there are two sides to every story when it comes to relationships. They probably do ask themselves why he recorded you. Ok it may look bad, but if they see you moving on with your life and behaving as the normal nice person they know, they will just assume he brought out the worst in you and it was a bad relationship.

If you think he might try to use these recordings against you in court talk to your solicitor now. It may well be that they can do something to protect you against that. There are rules about how evidence is gathered and illicit recordings may be totally inadmissible or they may be able to do damage limitations by finding ways to show you were provoked and do not normally behave that way.

fluffyrobin he really is poison. You are so right.

I do need a litmus test for future relationships. There were red flags very early on, but I ignored them believing he was right and I must be wrong.

Thanks for your kind support x

Syfychannel thankyou, I’m sure they do question why he’s spent a hours recording me in distress and so keen to play them to people. His tactics have changed. Thanks for posting, it helps me a lot x

Thanks for all your messages ladies, really helped me as it’s such a difficult time x 💐

Hey, this place is here for support.

Thankyou because at times it can be really tough x

@OpalIridescence

Because you are not a saint bearing all suffering in silence, you were a human being being treated terribly.

And because your partner knows exactly what, how and when to say the things that hurt you to ensure the strongest reaction possible.

If you had never reacted and sat in diginfied silence for years, I would suggest that would not have been natural, AT ALL!

My ex used to delight in showing me the wounds he sustained from me. This huge man would shove and throw me around, i would grab onto his arms from instinct trying to hold on or stop my fall. He had little nail marks on his hand, where I hung on. Not scratches not attacking marks, literally holding on. He was so pleased with it!
Had a talk with me about who was injured and what I needed to do about my behaviour! I felt such shame, never mind my bruises and falls I had, there were actual wounds on his hand from me. I am so sad to say it but even this little act of self preservation to hold on became something I really tried not to do as it was wrong...wasn't it?

I think these threads are a kind of therapy for people that have been abused. I can't imagine what it must be like to read them if you have only had healthy relationships, we must seem so ridiculous.

Everything seems very obvious from the outside but these situations really strip you of your ability to think clearly. There is extra pain afterwards as you question all your actions and words and try to understand what the hell just happened.

Wish there was a thumbs up button on here. Well said