I was abused (spat at/physically hit/belittled) why did I resort to shouting back?

[Putitallbehindme]

I’m recently out of an abusive marriage. I feel better in myself for being away from this man. He was both physically and emotionally abusive to me, put me down, called me an fcking cnt, spat at me and threatened to kill me.

I am from a loving family and previous to being with this man I hadn’t been someone to swear or make nasty comments.

I spent 7 years with this man. The abuse escalated and I was whittled down and down. I already had self esteem issues when I met him but he basically bullied me (called me useless/ugly etc)

Over the last couple of years I left him several times but I went back (stupidly) as he would always say he loved me and I just wanted to be loved. He is a handsome man who’s job gets lots of respect and admiration.

Anyway to cut a long story short after years of being verbally abused I started to rant back, even resorted to calling him names. I feel terrible for this as I’ve bever been like this before. He has also been recording these arguments.

Have any other abused women resorted to this??

x

@LadyInParis
Yes! Very similar stories! I’m glad you have also found someone normal that can support you emotionally after everything you’ve also been through.

I have found my situation very bizarre because the first abusive relationship was actually with my childhood school crush. We met up again in our twenties and it seemed like a fairytale story until his ‘real self’ came out.

My second abusive partner was also someone I went to school with! He was in the year below me and my first abusive partner and they used to hang around together

I remember telling the second abuser what had happened with the first one and he was saying how much he hated men that treated women like that. Little did I know at that point that he would turn out to be just as bad.

They must of been giving each other lessons at school on how to be abusive

WellThisIsShit

Thankyou for your powerful and very helpful post. I really feel for you the pain and torment you must have gone through with this man.

I completely agree with .....

He would deliberately manipulate me into a complete state then tell me I had an anger problem.

I hope I can have a healthier and happier relationship too one day.

Thanks so much x

LadyInParis

This is really inspirational and gives me hope. Thanks so much for sharing. This part really gives me hope...

Point is there are wonderful men out there for all of us. We just have to set the bar higher and believe that we deserve it and trust that not all men are bastards. He's not perfect. But to me he is, because he respects me more than I even respect myself. But we work through all this together.

I had this too - after trying to defend myself against berating calmly and 'reasonably' (why try to be reasonable when the other person is being unreasonable, but we still do it) for 10-15 mins, I would crack and start shouting back in frustration and anger.

On one occasion, during which he was upbraiding me (for the millionth time) about something he claimed I'd said, I cracked and just shouted/repeated 'no I didn't say that' over and over because I'd completely lost my temper and was so intensely frustrated .. he declared me 'mental' and hung up lol.

(This was coming from someone who would be ranting and raving, threatening to finish the relationship etc. if I went out socially without him (on a night I wasn't seeing him) and he found out).

It's completely natural for anyone to lose their temper in circumstances like those described here.

He also had a 'mental' ex or two incidentally.

merville thanks for your post, sorry you had to go through all that too xx

@WellThisIsShit
Yes! for all the Not Crazy Women on here! (And Not Crazy Men who may be reading. I have seen some documentaries lately of poor men being abused too. It happens and breaks my heart; harder for them to speak out "shame" etc).
And you will find it. Oddly for me I ran to Paris with a bus ticket, one night in a hostel paid, and 300 euros. No idea what I was thinking. But that first night I met him. I had NO intentions of serious relationships. None. Nothing beyond a few short "love affairs" if you like with Parisian men. But there he was. This man, he was looking a different direction and I just remember looking into his eyes when he wasn't looking and I just saw something I never saw before. It was odd and still to this day (almost a year and an engagement later) I can't put my finger on what I saw. Purity? Innocence? I don't know. Anyway. You will find it. Oddly, it was him who taught me where my bar is. Should we ever split (and I hope and doubt we will) then it will take someone extremely amazing to even get halfway to that bar. I would probably be alone but better that than being with someone who simply can't match him. My bar is too high now. I expect respect, trust, communication, faithfulness, never ever raise the voice at me, the list is endless. We are talking a man who carries me to the loo when my hips play up. Who has bathed me and held my entire weight in the bath whilst doing so when I have been ill. And that list goes on. He goes without sex very happily even for months on end when my mind plays up. And he has explained it as such; it's not about sex. It's about you and how much I love you. I don't care about sex.
He did in fact tell me there have been times when my sex drive goes through the roof, and we take full advantage of that haha, that he has had sex even when he was really too tired because he didn't want me to feel rejected (I rapidly told him off for this and told him NEVER have sex unless he WANTS it!) You would think he would jump at every chance after months of nothing. But no. Even then sometimes he doesn't want to. Because like I said- for him it's not just the sex. For a former. My god I have to say it. Well type it. A former rape victim. In my abusive relationship, that means the world.
Your story again rings so many bells. So many. The "caretaker" position you hold. Bending over backwards for them. All of it.

Anyway I digress. It can happen. As I said we just have to set the bar higher and believe we deserve better and not settle for less. Because we do all deserve better. And if you believe in that it will happen. Please don't settle. I hope this doesn't come across as sounding copdendant; but he helps heal me. My heart and trust. Because we are a partnership. That's what partners do. Lift each other up. I do the same for him. He has an extremely good job. Yet when I met him he was living in a hostel alone, no family (he's not from France) and spent his nights walking and drinking then bed and work again. He had nothing to do and nothing and noone to give him purpose. When we met, within about 6 weeks we had an apartment together. And he only drinks with dinner when we go out. Because he has something to fight for. A purpose. Our love, our life together. We are both flawed. But we work.
Anyway.

@MellowMelly
Yes very oddly similar! Think they all go to a "How To Be An Abusive Twat" school. And thank you, you found someone good too?

@Putitallbehindme
I'm really glad to have been of inspiration. It's a very difficult time for you right now so I'm glad my story helped you see some light at the end. I think you're doing amazingly! It's not easy we all know that!

@merville
Very similar stories again. Heard all that pile of shite myself. They must go to some sort of school together.

Or they are so fucking stupid and idiotic that they have only these few repetitive (although effective) methods. Knobs.

Karma will get them ladies. It got my step dad (whole other story!).

Lots of love on here. Love to all you lovely ladies. We ALL deserve better.

Putitall - aw, thank you,bthays really sweet.
When I look at it however I know the situation I was repeatedly in was I didn't end the relationship when I first saw the behaviour. I should have finished there and then but didn't for various reasons. I would hope if it happened in future I'd just end it.

I wonder the same @merville
I think it's lack of self belief, esteem and confidence, perhaps past events and upbringing, that have massive effects on who stays or goes

But the fact is that self blame is useless. It could be a million and one reasons you stayed. Christ knows how much I blamed myself and thought of many reasons why it was all my fault for staying anyway. But it isn't anyone's fault except the abuser

Hindsight is 20/20. Easy to look back and self blame. Please don't. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't any victims fault

Only the abusers

We ALL deserve better.

Couldn’t agree more!

X

merville I just had so many warning signals too. I was just so hopeful and also so tired. He wore me down so much that I didn’t have the fight left in me to give up. My confidence has never been great anyway and then when someone tells you you are ugly, thick and stupid you know it’s awful but the sudden change arounds I got of “I still love you” “I’m lucky to have you” made me stay. Or at least not do anything serious to get out of it.

Still to this day if we hadn’t gone no contact is still be worried if he says the things that used to get me back.

I know I deserve better. I deserve respect but I’ve never really felt it properly before so it’s jusr easier putting up with rubbish.

x

I'm sorry you had to go through that but so glad you're free. This all sounds very similar to my partner. Like all of it- he often calls me out for being the abusive one when I fight back verbally, or complains I'm mean to him and makes out he's the victim and tells everyone I'm crazy or 'hormonal' including the neighbour so when she hears us arguing she'll think it's me. Thankfully she sees trough that.

Just trying to work out how to get rid of him now.

Hope you can get rid of him too! Sounds awful, just like mine. I don’t miss him being nasty to me, lonely at times but you never miss the abuse x

@Putitallbehindme

I know I deserve better. I deserve respect but I’ve never really felt it properly before so it’s jusr easier putting up with rubbish.

I know this feeling OP. I didn't know what respect was. From others or myself. All my life I put up with rubbish. Pain, losing my mum because she couldn't live with her abuse. Seeing it all modelled to me like it was normal. And even the family they modelled toxicity and put me down. I was blamed by three family members you know. For my mum's suicide. I was 13. No wonder I felt I deserved men like him. I am now no contact and it feels wonderful.

But ladies we don't deserve any abuse. Despite any short comings we might have, or issues. We are human and make mistakes. Please never settle for that. None of us deserve it. Being alone was just the most difficult yet peaceful time after all the abuse.

What do you ladies think of a thread about this stuff? Dedicated to stories, advice, questions, thoughts, anything and everything. I can start it if you like. I'll call it "The Not Crazy Women Thread". If you are all happy to do it. Maybe as a collective we can reach out to those reading and lurking but not in the place yet to leave. And those who have left but still feel the pain. Let me know what you think. Talking about the idea of self blame, the damage done, the why's, the impact it still has. I don't know but I feel there's a need for a thread such as that. We are human. With dreams and desires and feelings. We deserve better. I truly believe that.

Let me know. Or if you have better ideas.

I think it's a great idea :)

LadyInParis me too! That would be great. x

Ok I'll get it started and tag anyone who is interested :) I'll call it 'The Not Crazy Women Thread" and start it off a little xx

you are all amazing

i need to report the bas tard who put me through 22 months of hell

he told me if i did he would kill my family

that still scares me
i need to do it - as i hear from others on here he also did horrific things and threatened to record me also - prat
I will ensure he pays for what he has done

thinking of you all and I believe you are all so so brave

looondonn I’m really sorry to hear you’ve been through a terrible situation with this man. Just hope you are away from him now? x