I was abused (spat at/physically hit/belittled) why did I resort to shouting back?

[Putitallbehindme]

I’m recently out of an abusive marriage. I feel better in myself for being away from this man. He was both physically and emotionally abusive to me, put me down, called me an fcking cnt, spat at me and threatened to kill me.

I am from a loving family and previous to being with this man I hadn’t been someone to swear or make nasty comments.

I spent 7 years with this man. The abuse escalated and I was whittled down and down. I already had self esteem issues when I met him but he basically bullied me (called me useless/ugly etc)

Over the last couple of years I left him several times but I went back (stupidly) as he would always say he loved me and I just wanted to be loved. He is a handsome man who’s job gets lots of respect and admiration.

Anyway to cut a long story short after years of being verbally abused I started to rant back, even resorted to calling him names. I feel terrible for this as I’ve bever been like this before. He has also been recording these arguments.

Have any other abused women resorted to this??

x

Sorry for the bold fail!

Completely! What intelligent and intuitive ladies we have on here.

I am so in agreement with these men stripping your ability to think clearly.

x

Because you’ve been pushed to the limit and he’s taken advantage of that. He’s never going to see or admit that he’s the catalyst in all of this. The best you can do is focus on building a happy, safe, non abusive life for you and your child

He's been eating your well-being from inside out. You don't know and you blame yourself for being weak.
Get him out of your life and head.
You will get better.

Yes I agree you never win against these men and I do understand I need to make my own life now xx

We all know on here that if a man says his Ex is mad, mental, psyco, a nutter, nut job, etc.... that is a huge huge huge red flag.
Everyone knows to steer well clear of men like this.
Not matter what his friends and family say to him, they KNOW him really. They are just choosing to ignore it for an easier life.

Time to move with yours now.
Surround yourself with love and support and friends and family.
Are you seeing a DV counsellor?
If not then get onto Womens Aid and have a chat with them.
They can help you with local support.

My husband would repeatedly say all of those things

Fortunately I have been seeing a DV councellor and it is really helping

Thanks for your message xx

Completely agree some friends just don’t want to know for an easier life! I don’t really blame them but a couple of friends have really believed and supported me. Makes such a difference!

It can be maddening when you are misrepresented, but hang on in there, nobody can sustain a façade forever, and he is trying to do just that, while all (!) you have to do is be yourself; sooner or later, people will start to think for themselves and see that you really are not the bitter witch he portrays.
For all you know, they may already have their suspicions that things are not "ringing true" and are just keeping their opinions to themselves to avoid an unpleasant argument; because of his egotism, he takes this to mean they agree with him completely.
Just tell yourself, if these gullible people don't want to have you as their friend, well, it's their loss!

Ah thanks so much twoshedsjackson I take a lot of comfort and strength from what you say there.

I do believe people must doubt what he has said about me but are too polite or not interested to question.

He is so bothered about what others think of him and to maintain his perfect man, perfect job, perfect father image!

x

My ex finally turned physical with me one evening after two years of emotional abuse. He dragged me around by my hair and threw me about and while doing it, he told me that I was mental and I was doing it to myself. In the attack on me he was also hurting my dog

I finally snapped and slapped him across the face. I’ve never been violent. He then of course turned the tables on me and told me that I had an anger problem and needed help.

I was shocked that after all he had done to me in the attack, that my one slap meant it was me that was the violent one.
I actually slapped him to protect my dog as he said he was going to slit her throat.

I can honestly say I have never felt such hatred for someone as I did in those moments when he blamed me for his physical abuse.

I’m so sorry Mellownelly I hope you are long away from this terrible man. Your story sounds so familiar to me. It was one of my husbands favourites words for me “mental”. He would say it with such malice. Your poor dog too!
What a devastating event for you after all the emotional abuse x

Ah thankyou @Putitallbehindme.
I’ve long been out of that relationship and unfortunately ended up in another emotionally abusive relationship. Mumsnet helped me out of that last one!

I am now away from both of those men and I’ve learnt some very hard lessons and one of those is that I can’t ‘fix’ people that are broken.

I’m now living a peaceful life and dating someone ‘normal’ haha!

It has left me wary though, I won’t lie!

Well done you I say!!

I agree you can’t fix people. It’s sad but true.

I am very pleased for you after two emotional abusers you met someone who is “normal” ha ha.

Normal to me would be someone who respects me, cares for me, who doesn’t belittle me. I hope one day I’ll find the same too.

I like to believe there’s someone for everyone.

Your one will be along soon

Ah thanks so much x

I've been in an abusive marriage to someone who is in a position of power in his job and I thought most people thought highly of, I didn't realize how many people see through him!

I'm now in a relationship with someone who was abused too and he reacted by shouting and was made to feel bad. It's called reactive abuse.

You are not at fault here, I came close to reacting with my ex so many times but was terrified of him so didn't, but I completely understand why you did.

Well done for getting out

My ex husband used to belittle me and scream at me. I genuinely for years didn't see an issue - including telling me I'd be a terrible mother etc as I was crap at looking after myself, publishing photos of house after I cleaned it pointing out how crap my cleaning was and how useless I was.

My new partner helped me see it clearly, for example I got a flat tyre in the car and was hysterical and apologising because I was terrified of being called stupid and made fun of to everyoneor on social media. This isn't normal reaction! . I used to react agressivly too as a reflex to try to avoid harm and am so more chilled out now. It's natural to react defensively when frightened.
Relax and don't question yourself.

I have a darling friend who was hysterical with anxiety just because she made a wrong turning once on a trip together. It turned out her ex would scream and shout and belittle her if she made a mistake like that.

Honestly, what some women put up with as their 'normal' is quite frightening.

He too was a charming, successful man to outside appearances.

In verbal/physical abusive relationships strength and power are measured by acts of violence; not necessarily shouting, and meekness or submissiveness is associated with silence.

Shouting and name calling is trying to restore some of your own dominance and is very normal. In that environment it is possibly the only way to assert some control to yourself so the aggressive does not ‘win’.

It is very normal to respond like this and you should not be embarrassed, nor ashamed OP.

Thank-you so much ladies, quite frankly I’m amazed and so thankful for the responses.

I’ve been blaming and torturing myself because I thought I’d turned into him.

x

Today was a difficult day, even though it’s months since I’ve been out of this terrible abusive relationship, some days you think more about it. I am sure I’m not alone but silly things spark off memories x

@MellowMelly
Scary how similar our stories are. Mine hurt my dog too. An 8 week or so old boy puppy. No matter what he did to me, I never left. One day he threw my baby at the wall (dog not actual baby for clarification!) About 6 feet away. For nibbling his hand (with barely any teeth, to get him to play. As puppies do). I left him that day. Never looked back. Unfortunately also ended up in abusive relationship point 2. Got a broken nose after three weeks and a cut by my eye. That had to be glued together even though nurses were reluctant because I was hysterical when they got near my face. Apparently it's not a done thing to glue near the eye for obvious reasons but they had no choice. I also had to have surgery to fix my nose. Again so hysterical I was literally sat up on the surgery bed just through sheer anxiety my muscles wouldn't let me lay down (if that makes sense!). I got more hysterical (until they gave me the drugs ) I left him too and reported him.

Scarily similar. I now have the most amazing fiance who is so amazing to me but that comes with it's own problems now because I'm just waiting for a punch in the face or anything abusive. Even though I logically know he would never do that. Not ever. He knows about these trust issues and acts accordingly. Never shouts or anything, no matter how much I push sometimes. These men leave scars in many forms.

Point is there are wonderful men out there for all of us. We just have to set the bar higher and believe that we deserve it and trust that not all men are bastards. He's not perfect. But to me he is, because he respects me more than I even respect myself. But we work through all this together. With good communication.

I wish you the best. You got through the worst, you just have to stick to it.

@Putitallbehindme

Mine used to do the same. I remember once he got me so wound in a tizzy mentally I kicked over a table and started screaming while he sat back calmly and quietly recording me (apart from saying how crazy I was).

It's a "normal" tactic for these men. But a normal reaction. None of us are at all crazy. Not at all.

Glad you’ve got so much support on here. I’ll add my voice too, to all the brave and Not Crazy women here, who have had such awful ‘partners’.

I thought I was the problem, for not trying hard enough, not doing well enough and not doing enough to make things right for him. He would deliberately manipulate me into a complete state then tell me I had an anger problem... after having gone at me for hours and hours before I’d break, and after I’d tried to be compassionate, and caring, and madame-fix-it, to heal him, make it all better, and then try and explain and help him understand that I’m a hunan too and might have basic needs and basically plead with him to treat me with a tiny bit of kindness and respect... all in response to this wall of hate and hurt and insults and humiliation and destruction.

And then when I finally crack, and the patient help-meet act cracks and my hurt just can’t help well up and my sadness and confusion... then I’m a crazy bitch.

It took a long time for me to realise that it genuinely wasn’t me, it was him. And yes, to the rest of the world I’m sure it looked like I was the crazy one. But it helped so much when the tough but wise women on here put me right, and stood with me and kept reminding me I was sane throughout the months it took to get free.

I lost a lot in the end, but nothing I couldn’t bear to lose, and I gained more.

I gained a strong belief in my own sanity, and I hope it’s the step in the right direction to mean maybe I can heal properly and identify this kind of shite earlier. One day I hope I can have a healthier relationship. I really really want to believe I’ll be able to do it, to find someone normal, and that they’ll love me.