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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband left me and seeing someone new days later

53 replies

Mamabear29 · 21/08/2018 16:18

Hi everyone,
Long story, been with husband 9 years, we were happy and got each otheR. He cheated for a short period of time last year, seemed genuinely sorry and upset, so we decided to work through it. We were very happy but being heavily pregnant things went a little boring again, around my due date he decided he didn’t love me anymore and was not willing to work on it. I did the usual begging and pleading but nothing worked, a few days after moving out of the family home I discovered another women was involved . Fast forward 9 weeks he is still ‘dating’ the other women as far as I’m aware, I see him a couple of times a week to pick up the kids (dd’s 2+4 month old). I’m trying desperately to get over it but secretly hoping for reconciliation down the line, will this relationship last or is it typical rebound ?! Has anyone experienced similar and come out the other side happy with husband ? I feel like I’m going crazy

OP posts:

blueangel1 · 21/08/2018 16:36

Quick question: do you really want to be with someone who will always be looking for a replacement? That's what it boils down to. He doesn't respect women enough to stick to one at a time. Sorry.

Cottongusset · 21/08/2018 16:37

A reconciliation - yes, you are crazy. Why would you want to be with someone who treats you so badly, You are well rid. Get some self-respect woman.

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 21/08/2018 16:40

Honestly I think he was already seeing her.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 21/08/2018 16:50

He's a serial cheat - even if he did come back to you it's highly unlikely your relationship with him will last the distance. Better to separate now before your DDs know anything other than the set-up you have now.

Btw not advocating playing games but you begging and pleading is the very worst way to get someone back because a) they will think you deserve the contempt they regard you with and treat you accordingly and b) if they know you are "on tap" so to speak there's no incentive to work on anything because they are confident they can pick you back up again any time they want. We all want what we can't have.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2018 16:53

She isn't the rebound, he's the woman he left you for. I'm sorry but that's the situation. A FEW DAYS after his marriage ended he was in a relationship with someone else.
You really have to move on and stop holding out hope for a guy who at best will see you as a bit of fun if the new one gets pregnant / boring etc

fannycraddock72 · 21/08/2018 17:07

..being heavily pregnant things went a little boring again, around my due date he decided he didn’t love me anymore and was not willing to work on it

Why would you want to reconcile with a man who would do this to you? add to this the fact that he is with someone new so soon/been cheating on you whilst you were pregnant.

You deserve so much better than this. Go to www.chumplady.com and read her blog posts, join the forum, get advice..as she says...

Leave a cheater, gain a life!

MrsMozart · 21/08/2018 17:11

Time for a life lass. One where you come first (well, after your children), rather than being unimportant in his life.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 21/08/2018 17:12

He's cheated on you twice (that you know of). Why on earth would you want him back?

PatriciaHolm · 21/08/2018 17:16

It's not rebound. She's been around longer than he tells you, you knew that, right?

Alfiemoon1 · 21/08/2018 17:22

I think he was probably seeing her before he left rather than him being on the rebound

AdaColeman · 21/08/2018 17:23

Could this be the woman he was seeing when he cheated last year? Seems very likely to me, more so than that he met someone new within days of leaving you.

Men rarely leave on the off chance that they will find someone else, they have usually already found a new relationship.

I'm sorry to say this, but I don't think you will find long term happiness with this man. In the unlikely event of him returning to your relationship how would you ever trust him again?

You need to plan for the future for you and your children. Is he paying maintenance for your children, if not get that underway ASAP. You've got some difficult times ahead, so sending you lots of luck.

Original poster

Mamabear29 · 21/08/2018 17:24

I am aware it was probably going on before, but he would never admit it! The pleading did not last long at all and Iv been having limited contact for a few weeks. Life would be easier if you could just switch off your emotions ! So people think this relationship is for the long run and I should give up any hope he’ll regret his decision? I go from hopefull to sad to angry to I’m over it so my emotions are all over the place, who knows maybe karma will catch up to him one day

OP posts:

DownAtFraggleRock · 21/08/2018 17:25

He's a shit and you're better off without him, love.

Original poster

Mamabear29 · 21/08/2018 17:25

And it was a different women previously, he pays maintenance but I gave up work to raise the children do in a bit of a financial mess at the minute !

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 21/08/2018 17:31

I'm afraid this is over.

It's a shocking thing to leave you for someone else at your due date, never mind the repeated cheating. It's equally as shocking you want to be with a man who treats you so disrespectfully and like an irrelevance.

I think you need to accept it's over. If he comes back it's only until he meets the next one. I'm sorry.

GirlfriendInAKorma · 21/08/2018 17:31

Oh @Mamabear29 :( if you were my friend in RL, I'd have you round at mine, get all the kids to bed, cook you a nice meal and give you a big glass of wine and tell you you're worth so much more than that cheating shit.

My cousin had a similar experience and I was so shocked that someone would leave their DP when pregnant with his child. Made me so upset.

You and your kids are worth a lot more than him. He doesn't deserve a nice loving family.

NadiaLeon · 21/08/2018 17:32

If you want him back be somewhat unavailable and happy, not needy and sad. He may realise the error of his ways. Many on this thread will say you should leave him. However, do what YOU want to do. If that's having him back for the sake of the kids, do it. It may be a phase he is going through. No right or wrong here..

c3pu · 21/08/2018 17:35

So people think this relationship is for the long run and I should give up any hope he’ll regret his decision?

I doubt any of his relationships will be for the long run, he doesn't want commitment. Certainly not at the moment anyway. I doubt he will regret his decision, but even if he did - he isn't a prize for you to win back, he's a liability to avoid.

Original poster

Mamabear29 · 21/08/2018 17:37

Thank you ! Our relationship was perfect up until this last year which is why it’s so hard to just forget about and walk away. I don’t act needy and I show that I’m happy and dressed up whenever I have to see him, he asks constantly if I’m going out on dates when I drop the kids off, which I of course tell him is none of this business, but he’s adamant he does not care if I do or not and he’s just making conversation ?

OP posts:

SoyDora · 21/08/2018 17:39

It doesn’t matter if his new relationship is for the long run or not, do you really want to be with someone who could treat you like this? He’s a serial cheat.

Saggital · 21/08/2018 17:41

He rejected you when you needed him most. Rather than look at ways in which you can rebuild a life with him, I think you should go full steam on working out how to minimise his impact on the rest of your life. Why do you want to waste time and energy in the most difficult path?

Gingerivy · 21/08/2018 17:44

He's trying to keep your hope alive so that he has you as a "back-up."

Whether or not his current relationship is long-term or not is irrelevant. If he comes back to you, it'll be to pass time until another woman takes his fancy.

Don't do the "pick me dance."

TooTrueToBeGood · 21/08/2018 17:47

Cheating is bad enough but he left you when you were due to give birth. He didn't just leave you but his soon to be born baby as well. You really can't get much lower than that. Why would you ever want to get back with such a selfish, disloyal, unprincipled, amoral piece of shit?

CantStandMeow · 21/08/2018 17:48

This happened to me. Left out of the blue because in his words he's "too selfish for all of this" meaning his DW and DC. Less than a week later he was in a relationship with someone else. (He text me instead of her a number of times )

Their relationship lasted about a year before she got fed up with the reality of being with a divorced man.

In time I found I didn't care anymore who he was with. I just tried to minimise the impact of each new relationship issue on the DC.

OddS0ck · 21/08/2018 17:55

@NadiaLeon No right or wrong here

What bollocks. He cheated last year, got "bored" with his heavily pregnant wife and left her around her due date, when she was at her most vulnerable.

You have an odd concept of right and wrong.

OP, please don't keep hoping for this man to come back. He's treated you appallingly when he should have been supportive and thoughtful. The only person he is thinking of is himself.

Focus on you and your tiny children, get real support from your family and friends and see a solicitor. Really. He is not the man you thought he was.

This is such a short, precious time with your little children, don't waste it hankering after this bastard. I know it's hard, very hard, but he is so, so not worth your pain or energy.

You can get good support from MN too, from most posters.

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