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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband left me and seeing someone new days later

53 replies

Mamabear29 · 21/08/2018 16:18

Hi everyone,
Long story, been with husband 9 years, we were happy and got each otheR. He cheated for a short period of time last year, seemed genuinely sorry and upset, so we decided to work through it. We were very happy but being heavily pregnant things went a little boring again, around my due date he decided he didn’t love me anymore and was not willing to work on it. I did the usual begging and pleading but nothing worked, a few days after moving out of the family home I discovered another women was involved . Fast forward 9 weeks he is still ‘dating’ the other women as far as I’m aware, I see him a couple of times a week to pick up the kids (dd’s 2+4 month old). I’m trying desperately to get over it but secretly hoping for reconciliation down the line, will this relationship last or is it typical rebound ?! Has anyone experienced similar and come out the other side happy with husband ? I feel like I’m going crazy

OP posts:

SoyDora · 21/08/2018 17:56

I recognise NadiaLeon’s name as she/he was defending cheating on another thread recently too.

Optimusprimesmother · 21/08/2018 17:59

mama what a horrible situation

Things are going to be really really tough for you for a while but you need to dig deep and find your anger.

Be angry at him
He is cunt
He has cheated on you twice that you know off

I think he was probably at it a longer time than you expect and that he just got sloppy and lazy on the one you found out about.

To me he is the lowest of the low doing this to you.

You don’t really want him back. He is damaged, he must be.

Original poster

Mamabear29 · 21/08/2018 18:00

Thanks ladies, sometimes you just need the brutal honesty of people not emotionally involved to make you see sense! I have amazing family and friends around me, I also know my confidence is rock bottom and I’m scared I’ll be alone forever which doesn’t help !

OP posts:

OddS0ck · 21/08/2018 18:01

@SoyDora yes, I recognised him/her from the same thread.

Can't decide if they're a GF, MRA or just a bit dim.

Emeraldangel · 21/08/2018 18:04

What a complete cu next tuesday! You can t see it now, but you are so much better off rid of him.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Similar thing happened to me... ex left me within days of the birth of our second baby saying he was depressed and needed space. Caught him having an affair a few days later. I still struggle to understand someone I thought I knew and loved could be so deceitful and cruel.

Fast forward a year and I am so happy to be free of him and moving on. I have built a stable, loving environment for my kids and although there are ups and downs, they are doing well. Am lucky to have great friends and family around rooting for me all the way.

The first year will be pretty brutal, but you can stay strong and get through this for your kids. Easy to say, but it will be his loss. Do not take him back, you are worth more than that. Give it time and you will eventually see the world through different eyes with lots of exciting opportunities!

eve34 · 21/08/2018 18:09

Your whole life has been Turned upside down. And the one person you trusted the most has betrayed you in the worst possible way. To cling onto what you know is only natural. And the future looks scary.

Just take each day as it comes. He isn't the person. You know. He checked out long ago and clearly had this lady lined up in some capacity.

You deserve better and in time you will see that. but right now the change in reality you have to deal with feels insurmountable.

It is good you have people around you. They want to help so let them.

Time to get tough. Maintenance. Look into benefits. And arrange regular contact. He is not your friend. Time to go as low contact as you can. As you say your life is no longer his concern.

He wants you to be dating so he can pat himself on the back and say what a great bloke he is letting you both get on and be happy.

This will pass but it takes time. Be kind to yourself.

BackInTheRoom · 21/08/2018 18:12

@Mamabear29

Hey, don't let fear keep you in this place, things will work out but your outlook will be bleak atm. Take one day at a time and one foot in front of another. Try not to look too far into the future.

TooTrueToBeGood · 21/08/2018 18:13

No right or wrong here.

Only if your moral compass is made of wood.

Bluntness100 · 21/08/2018 18:16

No right or wrong here

Wtaf? He cheated on her before, cheated again when she was pregnant then dumped her when the baby was due. What part of that is not wrong.

If he comes back, which is unlikely, he's just going to do it again. He's made his feelings clear..

Lizzie48 · 21/08/2018 18:29

No right or wrong here

I interpreted NadiaLeon's post as meaning that the OP should feel free to do what she wants to do, even if it is to give her marriage another chance if the opportunity arises. I don't think she was commenting on the actions of her ex.

Although I think staying with a serial cheat gives a very poor example to her DDs as to what treatment they should put up with from the men they're with.

IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed · 21/08/2018 18:32

The relationship might not last and don't be surprised if he comes back to you. Until he gets bored again and has his head turned. I'm all for making relationships work for the sake of children but this i don't feel this is a relationship worth fighting for. He'll wear you down and destroy you.

If only we had an emotion on/off switch. Heartache would be so much easier to deal with.

Putitallbehindme · 21/08/2018 19:21

This man is cruel and not worth having.
I am going through a divorce and have a young child so I know how terrible it is but don’t hope for a man who isn’t worth hoping for. I know how desperately sad and gut wrenching it is, but like me try to move on.

He really isn’t worth it!

Take good care of yourself x

Original poster

Mamabear29 · 21/08/2018 19:22

I do worry about the example/standard being seen by my girls, fingers crossed they come out of it all without being affected, sad my youngest will never know what it’s like to have her mum and dad together

OP posts:

letsdolunch321 · 21/08/2018 19:33

Congratulations on doing well as a single mum. Lots of girls/ladies do it and do it bloody well.

Excellent you have family & friends around you to help out if needed.

As for the cheating fucker - leave him to play with his latest bit of stuff. All you need from him is money for the dc’s upkeep/keeping a roof over their heads and to know when he is having the dc’s - he is one fucking idiot - I doubt he will ever be happy - SAD BASTARD

NadiaLeon · 21/08/2018 21:16

For those attacking me, maybe i should have articulated things better. Apologies, you're a vicious crowd .
The OP wont be right NOR wrong if she takes her OH back. Up until last year he was perfect. It's HER decision, so please support her, whatever she decides. Noone understands the fynamics of their relationship like they do

Mary1935 · 21/08/2018 22:25

Hi Mama - is there anyone else that could do the handovers ? It’s harder when you keep having to see them all the time. Is he having them for overnights yet? Is he picking and choosing what he does?
I know it’s tough but I’d start divorce proceedings. He’s a cheat and he won’t change.

Lifeisabeach09 · 21/08/2018 22:32

Your relationship was so happy and perfect???
Sorry to say but you sound deluded.
Unless you want to get back with him, turn a blind eye to his continual cheating and be constantly anxious he will leave you again, I strongly suggest you move on. That's if he will take you back as he seems to hold all the cards because you've given them to him!
Go back to work part-time and build a life for yourself and your children.
Your ex is a prick. You are better off without him-you just don't see it yet.

Bluntness100 · 21/08/2018 22:41

Up until last year he was perfect

Or she didn't know about the others. It's irrelevant, it's not just the fact he's cheated, he's dumped her when she was due to give birth, for another woman.

That's beyond repugnant.

Honeyroar · 21/08/2018 22:42

He asks you if you're dating yet!! He left you a few monthis ago to give birth and bring up your newborn alone while coping with the heartbreak, plus openly sees someone else and tells you he's not bothered if you are seeing someone, he's just making conversation.

Why exactly do you want this shit man back? He's not asking whether you're dating because he cares, he's hoping you are so he can feel less guilty and people won't judge him so much if you "bounce back" quickly. You only want him back because you're trying to cling onto the past and are scared about the future, but you'd have to be a total fool to really want him back. I don't think that you are.

NadiaLeon · 21/08/2018 22:57

Honey - please don't call the OP a fool. She is here to seek support...

happiertomorrow · 21/08/2018 23:01

I am so so sorry.

You undoubtedly deserve better than him.

He is the fool.

Take each day as it comes and try to do a few things you enjoy. Write down one thing every day that you are happy about/thankful for.

Show your girls what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship. You have to be the strong parent for them as he is clearly not capable of that.

He has left and made space for better things to come to you in future.

Sending you so much love and well-wishes.

OutPinked · 21/08/2018 23:04

She hasn’t won, if that’s what you are thinking. She is now lumbered with a liar and a cheat. She will undoubtedly find herself cheated on eventually.

His actions were despicable but you will eventually come out of the other side wondering why the fuck you ever fought for him to stay with you.

Honeyroar · 21/08/2018 23:09

Nadia read what I wrote again.... I said I didn't think she was a fool.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 22/08/2018 10:39

If he was having sex with someone else during your pregnancy he was putting your baby's health at risk as well as yours. And what kind of man leaves his partner when she's due to give birth? He's despicable.

Original poster

Mamabear29 · 22/08/2018 16:04

There is no one else to do drop off as my family refuse to speak to him, so can’t avoid that really ! Although I try make it as quick as possible as he’s very manipulative and I’d end up doing what he wants, I realise now it’s ended that I give him all the power in the relationship, but that’s what worked for us because I was never unhappy. his Personality has completely changed over the past year so I haven’t just been a fool for the whole relationship like people may think.

OP posts:

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