Can an alcoholic (sober for 7 years!) go back to drinking again?

[RedRanger]

Just as the thread says. Brief history. Been with dh for 12 years. The first 5 years were affected by his alcoholism. After almost injuring our newborn when drunk he stopped drinking altogether. That was 7 years ago and in this time he's turned his life round completely. I love him and our children more than anything. He's been depressed this last year but refusing to see a GP. He says he's depressed because he wants to drink again. He thinks he can control it now and that our lives are so rubbish (this bit was news to me!) and that having a drink will unwind us. He said he is a different person now. I don't want to do this. I'm so scared to go back to those days where he was drunk and abusive, went missing for days on end and stole everything to enable his drinking. I love him but it would destroy us and our lovely family. To the outside world he is perfect and he has been this last 7 years. He's so adamant though that this is it and if I can't accept it then he's prepared to walk away. I don't think an alcoholic can ever drink again but am I wrong? I feel like I need to prepare myself for all the bad stuff again and I'm terrified. No one in real life I could talk too about this.

Part of recovering from an addiction is realising that you have to live for the rest of your life knowing that your addiction will always be there, hovering over your shoulder, and you will never be able to have a "normal" relationship with your previous vice in the way everybody else does. You have to live life like you were never an addict (i.e. let go of the guilt and the self-loathing), but also remember that you can always be an addict.

So no, I don't think you can start drinking again. Not in my experience of addictions. His depression is pushing him back into dangerous territory, and the fact he doesn't see that that's what's happening means the little addiction devil on his shoulder is winning. He needs to get himself back in with a counsellor, but the thing urging him back into the arms of his addiction isn't going to like it...

No.

An ex’s dad used to claim he was a recovered alcoholic, who could now drink normally.

What he meant by that, according to ex, was that he only beat up his wife (ex’s mum) every second or third time he drank, not every time as before.

Fucking cunt. Ex was a wanker but he was several shades of improvement over his old man.

He will be able to. For a while. Some people manage a month or even a few weeks of 'normal' drinking. And then it creeps up on them. And they are back in the shit again.

Sounds like he's a 'dry drunk' who doesn't drink but never did the work on himself that's needed to stay sober. He needs to do that hard work.

If he is telling you that you either condone his drinking, or the marriage is over and he is prepared to leave his wife and child over it, then drink still has a massive hold over him sadly.

He says he needs to drink to unwind and escape real life? So he wants to depend on alcohol again. That's the reality.
He's an alcoholic looking for you to enable him. He's not a different person. He's choosing drink over you.

It's particularly worrying that he wants to drink when he thinks he's having a bad time.

I think you have to stand firm on this, OP, and say "Make your own decision but if you do drink again, you're losing the children and you're losing me. You're not going to see them unless your mum (or similar) is with you and you won't see me at all. I'm not going through that again and I'm not allowing the children to go through it. It's your decision."

I would suggest that no, they can't drink again.
I gave up smoking for 21 years.
Started again. Just a few when out with friends.
Then a couple a night.
Then a few in the day too.
Etc. etc. blah blah blah.
Although I probably smoke around 5-6 a day it's still too much and I start early in the mornings now.
It just creeps up on you.
That addiction is there and never goes away!

I agree with rat. The alcoholic voice and the I am depressed voice are overwhelming him and he believes the way out of this pressure is to have a drink. How can he be certain that one drink will suffice? The truth is, he doesn't!!
Does he have a sponsor? if not I would ask him to see a therapist that specialises.

And I think he needs to address why he thinks life is shit right now?
What is shit about it?
How will having a drink solve it?
It's a slippery slope.

An Alcoholic can never safely drink alcohol again!
If your Dh does drink again, within no time at all he will be as bad, if not worse than he was when he stopped 7 years ago.
The difference this time though, is that he may not be able to stop when alcohol starts ruining his life.
He is thinking of playing a very dangerous game.

Alcohol for an alcoholic is a killer disease.

Alcohol is a well known depressor, drinking well not help his depression it will only make it worse, and using his line thought once he starts drinking he will go back to being the person he was before.

I would be making it very clear to him that although I could not stop him from drinking, but me and my child will not be sticking around to see him go down that path again. I would stick around if he goes to the doctor and get his depression sorted out by the professionals, and will support him in getting better.

Depressed because he wants to drink or wants to drink because he's depressed?

From my experience (Father was alcoholic) no I don't believe an alcoholic can ever have a normal relationship with drink again. It will escalate.

I was really interested in the term "dry drunk", as mentioned by a pp, and it really does seem to fit the bill of your dh OP...

americanaddictioncenters.org/alcoholism-treatment/dry-drunk/

www.discoveryplace.info/addiction-blog/dry-drunk-an-in-depth-explanation-of-the-dry-drunk-in-recovery/#1526870071761-9ddc0d66-e600

As a daughter of an alcoholic - i’ll say - no, he can’t.
And your duty as a mother is to protect you kid(s) from this.

Do NOT prepare for the bad stuff. Tell him - he chooses - start drinking or divorce. He already had his one stroke. There isn’t any more where alcoholism is concerned.

I have to look at you also in all this. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You are correct; an alcoholic should not ever drink alcohol again. And you now need to properly remove yourself and your child from this situation if he restarts drinking which is likely. Its never really gone away either. You have stayed with him for your own reasons and still play out the usual roles associated with such spouses; those of enabler, provoker and adjuster. I think you also need to ask yourself why you have done this. I am wondering if you grew up seeing alcoholism amongst your own parents.

The drink is still having a hold and thus controlling him, its not the other way around. He is an alcoholic indeed looking to you to further enable him.

There are no guarantees here. He could well go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

His primary relationship is with drink, its not with you and his thoughts are centering around where the next drink is going to come from. Also alcohol is a depressant and many alcoholics self medicate.

Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy and it is not known as the family disease for nothing.

I would talk to Al-anon and attend their meetings; you will meet people just like you there.

You may well love this man but alcoholism and codependency go hand in hand. You are likely to be codependent in this relationship with him, are you really confusing love with codependency here?.

You have a choice re this man and NO you do not have to prepare him for the bad stuff (see that is codependent behaviour right there). Why have you put his needs above those of you and your child?.

What do you think your child is learning about relationships here, is this really the role model you want that person to be seeing?.

Yet again the 3cs of alcoholism applies here:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

He's not the weed smoking drinker is he?
Remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Ultimately only he can decide whether to drink. You can only choose how you react. Don't let your kids grow up round that mess.

X post.

My dad did this. 6 years sober and decided he could suddenly drink socially again.

That was over 20 years ago and he has pretty much been constantly pissed since then. Please be careful op and I'm so sorry, life with an alcoholic is unbearable

Having experienced an alcoholic in the wider family and others amongst acquaintances I would say no, they can never have a normal relationship with alcohol, and once in recovery can never drink again.

I think you will end up telling him that you will leave him if he starts drinking again. It never ends well.

If he wants to leave you so that he can start drinking again then that tells you probably everything you need to know.

Sorry you are going through this. It must be shit, and shows that the addiction is still lurking in the background.

He may think that he can safely have a normal relationship with alcohol and be able to control his desire to drink, but he will soon be out of control once more.

It sounds as though he still believes that alcohol is his friend and will help him cope with any problems in his life, which is a very dangerous belief for him to hold.

It's also worrying that he is trying to draw you in to colluding with his return to drinking, could this be so that when it all goes tits up (as it will) he will be able to blame you? Alcoholics love to have someone else to blame.

Really, he needs some professional help, to strengthen his willpower and help him stay away from that slippery slope, especially as he has so much more to lose this time.

You may well have some difficult times ahead, look after yourself and always put you and your children first.

Wow, he's either a total arse or feeling pretty desperate to say that to you.

Did he get any professional support when he gave up that he could access again?

If he's throwing ultimatums out there, maybe you could add your own. He can possibly drink again, you don't really know, but if he wants to explore that option he needs to go to 10 AA meetings first and see his GP. Because an alcoholic who is considering controlled drinking again needs a big safety net of support.

No. Never. Well, they can, but they become an alcoholic again, as certain as the sun rising. It's just a matter of time.

Noooooooo!

How did her get sober in the first place? Through AA? Tell him to go back to AA and find a meeting TONIGHT.

Good luck