Can an alcoholic (sober for 7 years!) go back to drinking again?

[RedRanger]

Just as the thread says. Brief history. Been with dh for 12 years. The first 5 years were affected by his alcoholism. After almost injuring our newborn when drunk he stopped drinking altogether. That was 7 years ago and in this time he's turned his life round completely. I love him and our children more than anything. He's been depressed this last year but refusing to see a GP. He says he's depressed because he wants to drink again. He thinks he can control it now and that our lives are so rubbish (this bit was news to me!) and that having a drink will unwind us. He said he is a different person now. I don't want to do this. I'm so scared to go back to those days where he was drunk and abusive, went missing for days on end and stole everything to enable his drinking. I love him but it would destroy us and our lovely family. To the outside world he is perfect and he has been this last 7 years. He's so adamant though that this is it and if I can't accept it then he's prepared to walk away. I don't think an alcoholic can ever drink again but am I wrong? I feel like I need to prepare myself for all the bad stuff again and I'm terrified. No one in real life I could talk too about this.

I'm 7 years sober as well. Categorically I could not go back to drinking again. That option does not exist for me. Anyone who thinks it does hasn't even attempted to understand their addiction. He needs to work a lot harder at his recovery, not his drinking.

Do you think he might already be drinking again, so I'd trying to get your permission rather than admit he's already gone back to it?

There are some people who learn sensible drinking after abusing alcohol recreationally. That doesn't sound like what you describe.
He should go to aa, or local alcohol advice rescource, he may need rehab, counselling for underling depression. Sounds like he has no insight. Alanon will help you op, prepare for heartache. Best wishes

In my experience no they can't drink again. I know a number of alcoholics. The ones who are still sober are the ones who cut out alcohol completely and never went back.

From the people who did go back only one has managed to pull it back and get back up the slippery slope. It took a long stay in a residential rehab and a great deal of pain all round for them to do so. The rest are back where they started or in some cases worse. Sometimes it's taken a while but normally not longer than a few months at most.

He needs to make the choice to stay sober. Just one is not an option for an alcoholic, especially not when they are doing it purely to escape.

Yes my ex fiance was nearly 7 years completely sober. I met him in that time frame. He never touched a drop in that time not even in the toast at our engagement.
He started up again and a few years later it killed him.

nowadays i squash that right down by 'playing the tape forward' - a method alcoholics use to fast forward past the romanticising of drink to the inevitable shit that follows...

Such a good exercise. I used it giving up smoking. It works on that little voice; the devil on your shoulder that lies to you.

Sorry alltoo

Sounds like he never dealt with the underlying issues that caused him to drink in the first place. Drinking isn't the only problem an alcoholic has. Usually AA/ counselling/ Rehab whatever helps them to get to the bottom of this. He needs to do this now. But he needs to want to do it . You are not responsible in any way.
Could you go yourself to Alanon where you would access support for yourself?
I really hope he hets the help he needs as sounds like ye have a good set up and without any doubt drinking will destroy that.

AA is set up to offer a HUGE amount of support for alcoholics. He is still an alcoholic, he will never not be, even if he never touches a drop again and does ago of the hard work successfully. He cannot, ever, have a healthy relationship with alcohol, period, that's not being mean, that's physically proven scientific fact.

He needs to go and talk to his AA sponsor. And get himself back to an AA group, regularly. And access any of the wide number of support options there are available for alcoholics. If he honestly thinks he can drink again without having a detrimental impact on you and his children, it won't hurt him to have made that decision rationally, having got himself fully informed from AA and addiction experts, now will it? (Spoiler alert, none of them are going to tell him it's a good idea).

My friend's ex started drinking again. He'd done it on and off a few times. He wad picking their 5 year old up from school one day, and she happened to have gone to school to speak to them about their son, and she saw his car... with an open pack of beers in the back, and an open one in the driver drinks holder. Thank God she was there. She took her kid home in her car, and now he's lost the freedom to see his kid without one of his parents or her there, and he can't be trusted to be drive his son anywhere. He is otherwise a bloomin amazing parent, fully engaged even though they are divorced, but the drink told him it was okay to go to school to pick his son up while drunk... and that's somebody who thinks he has a normal relationship with alcohol now.

Your chap also needs to see his GP and a mental health charity about other options to help him relax in the evenings/deal with depression. Again, if he is being reasonable and rational, it won't hurt and could likely help to explore all the options for relaxation in the evenings. You probably won't be surprised to hear that drinking alcohol to relax/recover from mental health is almost never recommended and certainly not to a person who has (even in the hypotherical past tense, everything's fine now) had alcohol problems.

And if he isn't being reasonable and rational, well, I feel sorry for him, because he really is going to learn (or not) the hard way. You can't put yourself or your kids in the way of harm.

You sound like you're doing really well with this, OP. I'm sad to hear he thinks your joking. That alone makes me suspect maybe he is already back on the booze;'it certainly indicates he hadn't given it the soul searching thinking that he needs to have done.

Best of luck. Stay strong.

My mother was horribly unhappy when she drank and made everyone else unhappy.When she gave it up she was happy and made us happy.
Satan is tempting him to destroy his and his families happiness.When alcoholics drink it's like they are totally different people -taken over by this evil power.
Be strong and explain to your partner that he is being a self centred ,self pitying twat and that if he takes one pint he is history.

After 33 years of sobriety in AA, I'd say no. No, he can't. And if he thinks that he needs a drink to improve a low mood, absolutely no.

I'm married to a sober alcoholic with 25 years recover, as well as being a sober alcoholic, and if DH were talking about drinking, I would get to AlAnon sharpish. There, you will find wives, husbands, daughters, mothers, anyone who's impacted by sharing their life to some extent with alcoholics both sober and otherwise. I'd put money on it you'll find people who've been through this exact scenario. There is support and experience there to draw on, both of living with alcoholics who are drinking and with alcoholics who are sober. Your DH doesn't have to be drinking and he doesn't have to be in AA. The only requirement for you to go is that you are looking for a bit of support in living with an alcoholic, even one who's not drinking.

He needs to go to the GP and ask for help with depression and whatever's bugging him about his past.

Hell no to the drinking.

Try not to think long term. An alcoholic often needs to get though one hour at a time.

He will never control drinking if he's an alcoholic. The only control he will have is to stop altogether. But like I was, it has to be one step at a time and don't look too far ahead or it will feel overwhelming.

*But like I SAID, not like I was!

He is not dealing with his issues and wants to use alcohol again to ignore them. I agree with pp sounds like he is already drinking.

@Heremeout said it well

Op this must be so hard for you, but it's encouraging to hear that you know you need to put yourself and your kids first.

My mum was sober for 10 years then went back to drinking - she killed herself 3 years later.

I had to step away as the inevitable behaviour crept back in (the lying, guilt-tripping, claiming she was sober whilst falling over drunk) was affecting my DD and I couldn't continue to expose her to that any longer.

Me stepping away/keeping my DD away is what I believe ultimately drove her to suicide, and I've had to deal with the aftermath of that for a long time. After many years of counselling, cbt and psychotherapy, I know none of it was my fault.

I wish my younger self hadn't had to suffer for so long before she found sobriety with the help of AA, as my Dad (who had no clue how to deal with it) stuck his head in the sand and tried to pretend it was all ok.

Don't let that happen to your kids, I know you won't. for you