Can an alcoholic (sober for 7 years!) go back to drinking again?

[RedRanger]

Just as the thread says. Brief history. Been with dh for 12 years. The first 5 years were affected by his alcoholism. After almost injuring our newborn when drunk he stopped drinking altogether. That was 7 years ago and in this time he's turned his life round completely. I love him and our children more than anything. He's been depressed this last year but refusing to see a GP. He says he's depressed because he wants to drink again. He thinks he can control it now and that our lives are so rubbish (this bit was news to me!) and that having a drink will unwind us. He said he is a different person now. I don't want to do this. I'm so scared to go back to those days where he was drunk and abusive, went missing for days on end and stole everything to enable his drinking. I love him but it would destroy us and our lovely family. To the outside world he is perfect and he has been this last 7 years. He's so adamant though that this is it and if I can't accept it then he's prepared to walk away. I don't think an alcoholic can ever drink again but am I wrong? I feel like I need to prepare myself for all the bad stuff again and I'm terrified. No one in real life I could talk too about this.

I'm an alcoholic, 25 years sober. You might think that all these years of sobriety might have effected some change in my impulse control? Wrong. I know that if I took a drink tonight I would probably be dead before the year is over. Not being melodramatic, I've seen it happen over and over again with people I used to know in AA.

Thanks for everyones responses and advice. I love him but I know I won't stay with him if he starts drinking again. That I'm 100% sure of but I need to try and stop him and want him to choose me and the kids. But if he doesn't I don't want the kids to see that side of him and it scares me because I know he won't walk away without a fight. Truth be told I'm also embarrased. What a great wife I must be that he wants to drink more than he wants to be with me. I honestly don't think he thinks it will affect his relationship with the kids and he won't be prepared for me to stop his access (although how I don't know). I love him but I'm not stupid and my kids come first. Dh is the only alcoholic I know and I grew up with a lovely stable normal family. Dh didn't though and theres other issues in his past which resulted him becoming alcohol dependent. I know I'm making him out to be such a twat but he isn't. When he's happy he's fantastic and an amazing Dad. In the past he hated how alcohol controlled his actions and thats why I stuck around for so long then, because I knew who he was when he didn't drink. Until the last year he has been perfect. I do honestly think there are other mental health issues but he won't deal with them. He hasn't done anything yet and I'm leaving work soon to plead with him to get help and not do this. Thanks again to everyone x

Sorry, reading that back makes it sound like I think he might be able to start drinking again. I don't think he should in a million years for all the reasons other have stated.

I just mean call his bluff. If he can access those services to get you on board, then hopefully things would improve and he would change his mind. He sounds in a pretty dark place if he's threatening to leave so he can drink .

Please don't think that this situation is any reflection on you OP. I'm sure that you're a wonderful wife and mother; the very fact that you stood by him whilst he was in the throes of active drinking testifies to that. You must understand that the voice of the addiction drowns out absolutely everything else.

Good luck.

My Dad went back to drinking after 6yrs sober and managed 6 weeks before he was in the grips of the disease again. He finally quit for good once his depression and bipolar were managed properly and he is 13 years sober.

It's OK to love him and hate the illness. But you need to make decisions for your children and you based on the illness not the love. He doesn't sound like a horrible person, he sounds like an addict. Desperate, lying, hurtful, cold, selfish. That's the illness. But I say again... you MUST make decisions based on the illness not the love.

Pleading will do absolutely nothing. Being very clear about what he stands to lose is the only way you can help. And then only if he decides to seek help. Personally I think he's already decided to drink and until he drinks, fucks his life up and either gets really sick or gets into a decent recovery, you've lost him.

Can you make it a condition that he attends AA? I'd push for 6 meetings iiwy re:

• He will never see his children alone again if he drinks
• Your marriage will be over.
• He will lose his home.

If he's really in the grip of the demon drink he'll not mind about his kids/the marriage /his home. But make it a condition nonetheless that he attends hopefully 6 meetings before he makes a decision.

You are poised on the edge of total disaster. Or he is

Are you really confusing love here with codependency?. Why do you need to try and stop him and put you and the kids first; why are you putting him first. That scenario in which you succeed won't happen at all particularly at your instigation.

Also what effect is all this having on your child, these young people see and hear far more than us parents care to admit to ourselves. They are perceptive and pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here.

You pleading with him won't help you or he for that matter so I would save your breath. HE has to decide for his own self that he will not restart drinking again and for his own self.

You can only help yourself ultimately RedRanger, you cannot help him.

Re this comment you made about you:-

" What a great wife I must be that he wants to drink more than he wants to be with me".

This is really no reflection on you as a person. You are not responsible for his choices or the actions of another person. Its about him and his relationship with alcohol, its his primary relationship and has been throughout your own relationship with him. You and the kids come way down his priority list, even if you are all on it now which you are not. He grew up in a dysfunctional household where alcoholism heavily featured, the red flags were there early on.

He is not a fantastic dad either to his children, women in poor relationships often write that when they can think of nothing positive themselves to write about their man. You have certainly not described him as a "fantastic husband" in your own writings. What are your feelings when you look at him now?.

I do actually wonder if you and your kids come first because you are still expending your energies on someone who really does not want either your help or support. What you have tried to date has not worked.

Tell him to discuss his plan with a doctor or AA and see what they say. This sounds like depression speaking and self sabotaging. But if he is not willing to seek help then there is nothing you can do but protect yourself and your children. He needs to move out before he starts this controlled drinking. Seriously. If he can by some miracle be the one alcoholic who can controlled drink, tell him you'll reconsider his moving back in in six months. Be serious!

You cannot force him to attend AA meetings; he has to want to go there of his own accord. Familial coercion does not work. If he decided of his own accord to go to AA and stuck with it (and for far longer than a mere six meetings) then fabulous but you cannot take a horse to water and make it drink.

I think springydaff is correct in that you and he are indeed poised on the edge of total disaster.

He needs to address the underlying issues. And you need to plan what will happen if he refuses to.
I'm sorry OP.
But it is no reflection on you as a wife. You aren't responsible for his mental health. You're not responsible for his addiction. He is the only one who can take responsibility and deal with the issues. You can't.

What a great wife I must be that he wants to drink more than he wants to be with me. Please, please don't think this. His need to drinks is nothing to do how great wife you are, or not as the case may be. This is everything to do with his mental state and there is very little you can do about it other then to protect yourself and your children.

Brains and addictions and childhood trauma and such complex things. It isn't personal, he is just in the hold of something that feels bigger than him right now.

He has to choose whether to fight it, but it's not about you vs drink, it's HIM vs the drink.

Thanks everyone. I've told him that I won't do this and his options are that he leaves or he stays and we get him the professional help he needs. Him drinking again will never be an option for me in our marriage. I think he thinks I'm joking! Usually when we argue I cry and turn into a right slobbering wreck. Not this time, my kids come first. I'll do some more reading about dry drunks, thanks for that link xx

There is no we; its he who has to want to get the professional help that he needs and he is showing no indication of wanting to do so. He may never seek help either; its his choice ultimately and you cannot force that.

If you make such a pronouncement you have to be fully prepared to follow it through otherwise it loses all its power. He knows you have not meant it before now and to him its the same old white noise from you that he can choose to ignore.

You are sadly as caught up in his alcoholism as he is. Your own recovery from this will only properly start when you and he are fully apart.

I know alcoholics that have been sober for years but have a one day relapse every so often

As a daughter of an alcoholic mother who made my life hell (NC now)...

Never in a million years.

You cannot be 'cured' of alcoholism.

7 years is a long time to throw away.

If he's feeling depressed because he can't have a drink he needs to go to the GP and tell them. They can help him put a plan in place.
I would also be looking for signs that he's had a drink. Alcoholics are notoriously sneaky (as you probably already know.)

OP as everyone else has said it is no reflection on you , or your love for him, or even his love for his family . Alcoholism has deep roots.
My exh was sober I thought for around 5 years , and when he was achieving it he was happy.
He worked away , and I came increasingly convinced about him - I was convinced he was having a breakdown. He said he was depressed For around 3 months I worried and worried . I wondered if he was drinking but saw no real signs . I thought he was ill.
When he walked out out of the blue one day , it became apparent his occasional drink at work had quickly progressed to full blown problematic drinking . He disappeared to live in America with his assistant and has seen the 3 children for a week once a year in the six years he’s been gone.
That would never have happened if he had remained sober but he couldn’t and he is still drinking now , and getting into scrapes .
He’s asking you to give him permission to drink . You have to protect your own wellbeing .

@Bimgy85 then they haven't been sober for years.
That one day relapse puts them right back to square one.

You can be sober for 20 years, the minute you have that drink you're not sober anymore. The next day you're starting on day one again.

Such a dangerous mentality.

Your DH says he's depressed because he's not drinking... But he's only been depressed for a year. He managed 6 years without being depressed!

I agree with those who say that he needs to put some hard work into understanding his addiction. If he'd done the work 7 years ago, he'd recognise that he's reaching for a crutch because of depression, rather than being depressed because of the lack of crutch!

I think your ultimatum is reasonable
.

I think he's already drinking op, he just wants to now do it openly, I'm sorry.

He's already burst the seal. He will be able to do it for a short period, then He will lose control. But yeah, he's already had his first drink.

I would also say he's drinking again but hiding it.

Daughter of an alcoholic- please don't subject your kids to this.

Sorry op.

I'm an alcoholic (15 months sober) and I know that I absolutely must never drink again. I have stopped for months at a time before - decided to drink again (I don't think the length of time matters - 7 years is no more of a cure than a few months) and although I managed to be vaguely moderate for a few months - eventually I was back to over 100 units pw.
I understand that little seed of a thought that maybe I could drink again at some point - nowadays i squash that right down by 'playing the tape forward' - a method alcoholics use to fast forward past the romanticising of drink to the inevitable shit that follows...
The soberrecovery website is helpful as is 'rational recovery' book, for those who aren't a fan of AA.
Hope he doesn't decide to do it anyway. Take care x

Forgot to say - I think the brain chemistry alters for anyone who has ever drank to excess for a prolonged period - we can never drink 'normally' again in terms of neuroscience not just our emotional addiction!

I wouldn't be surprised if he was already drinking again, tbh.

The reasons he wants to drink again are bad - stress relief and everything being shit . And alcohol is a depressant.

I'm not sure how you can trust an alcoholic who wants to drink again. Basically you become the obstacle and the killjoy - the likelihood is high he'll just do it anyway on the sly, if he isn't already.