I have posted before but lost my login so I've created a new one. Before you read on, this is a topic that I'm not comfortable discussing but I'd really love some feedback from other mumsnetters.
Ok, here goes - sorry for the long post.
My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for the last couple. The first 15 years our relationship was difficult but we have always worked things out - destiny I guess and the last 2 years have been great except for one very big thing.
My husband believes I've cheated on him. No evidence, no proof - just a gut feeling he has. He says the right things - "that he's choosing to believe me and knows his thinking is crazy" but every time the conversation comes up and we have heated words, his true thoughts come out. First of all, let me explain that I have never cheated on anyone and I never would. By nature, I'm a 'do things right' sort of person and I rarely do anything illegal, immoral and generally, I'm very sensible. Secondly, let me say that it's unlikely that he has cheated on me. Finally, we have been to counselling, both individually and separately but the counselling hasn't really helped. This is the background for rest of this post.
Ok, sex talk now. I have never really liked sex much while he has a very high sex drive. A couple of years ago, he was having a casual smoke (yes, that sort of smoke) and I never joined him when he did this but really didn't mind that he did it sometimes as he never drinks or does anything else. Anyway, our relationship was going through a lull and I joked that if he passed his smoke to me, I might be more fun in the bedroom. As it turns out, I still don't have any real interest in sex until I smoke - inhibitions gone and sex life became amazing. Unfortunately, I think this is what fed his idea that I have cheated as I became a lot more adventurous and keen to try new things. He has told me a few times in the last few months, that he believes the imaginary person I cheated with must be well endowed because I am now very loose and he gets no real enjoyment from sex because of it. I am late 40s and I know our bodies change with menopause etc but I think the main reason he is noticing this is because he, himself isn't terribly big and in the previous times we had sex, I was never aroused or ready for sex. Now that we've found a way to enjoy things, I do get very aroused and this is why things might feel different. This makes sense to me but he honestly believes that someone else has 'stretched' me. I even got his dr to explain the impossibility of his rationale but he still believes what he believes.
Aside from the very obvious problem I'm sure you can all see with the above, the big thing I would love input on is whether I am being emotionally unreasonable in being devastated about the way he tells me these things. He is rude, condemning and uses very graphic language when explaining his beliefs. It makes me feel dirty (even though I've done nothing wrong) and generally devastated that he thinks this of me and my body. After our last chat a week ago like this, I now don't want to have sex with him as how you can relax or enjoy if you know your partner thinks you feel like a prostitute (he has said this on one occasion). I try to do kiegels regularly but I really don't think he is right about the size of things down there. I think I'm pretty normal but always seemed super tight before because I wasn't aroused.
Thanks for reading this far - just typing it has been therapeutic. If you have any thoughts that might help, please comment but be kind. My self esteem is pretty crushed these days.