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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work emails

54 replies

reallyhopethisworksNC · 20/08/2018 23:17

DH had a work colleague who he acknowledged fancied him - she used to make cookies etc just for him, weird stuff like that. However he said he spoke to her about unprofessional behaviour and has little to do with her in the office. She has since moved teams and I thought nothing of it. Stumbled upon an exchange of emails between them today on work email about a business deal. They did not work on the deal together and the entire tone has left me feeling cold - VERY playful and I just can’t understand why he started this dialogue with her, this bantery, fun work dialogue with someone he is no longer working with and who he apparently never spoke to at work?!?

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 20/08/2018 23:19

Have you posted about this becore? Seems familiar.

Original poster
reallyhopethisworksNC · 20/08/2018 23:33

I just found out about this right now and I’m sitting in bed freaking out so no, I promise I have not!

OP posts:
Sparkles1992 · 20/08/2018 23:41

I wouldn't like this Sad does he know you know?

Original poster
reallyhopethisworksNC · 20/08/2018 23:44

Yes. I went to bed and couldn’t sleep and switched the lights on and blurted it out. He is saying it’s just “keeping in with the team” - but she is no longer on his team! And, mostly, he has completely misled me for a year, saying they do not talk ever etc etc and yet here are emails suggesting that they do indeed talk a lot and mingle at work events and have all these in jokes and office slang terms together. And he has been encouraging this despite knowing he fancies her.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 20/08/2018 23:47

All that screamed out to me from this post was GDPR and you reading his work emails. My god, I’d have lost my job by now with working in public sector!

Original poster
reallyhopethisworksNC · 20/08/2018 23:48

What is GDPR?

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 20/08/2018 23:48

If it were me, I'd play this down now and start digging, covertly behind the scenes. Watch him, keep an eye on the bank account withdraws, that kind of thing because you haven't got enough evidence to go on.

MMmomDD · 20/08/2018 23:51

OP - it could be innocent - just banter and all that. He might find it flattering that she fancied him.
He may have, in fact, told her something back in the day - and now it can be nothing.
She may even have a bf - by now, who knows? Unlikely she’s been hanging around waiting for our H....

Or - it could be that he told you a story and is secretly encouraging/enjoing the flirtation....

Or there can be more....

No one can tell. And your H won’t fess up.
Wait and see? Observe?

AnnieOH1 · 20/08/2018 23:53

I am also thinking what the hell are you doing reading this work emails? If he was my employee I would FLIP OUT that he had allowed a third party to access confidential information.

Were you deliberately looking for something? Is this just who he is? A happy, flirty individual who knows where to draw the line? Is there a history that suggests there might be something more going on?

SandyY2K · 20/08/2018 23:55

Are you sure he doesnt fancy her too? Or at least love the attention...somethung of an ego boost for him.

Sounds like she moved team and he's missed her attention, so reeled her back in.

One word for him boundaries

Original poster
reallyhopethisworksNC · 20/08/2018 23:57

It was a complete accident I going on his phone looking for a number (he has no issue with me being on his phone) and it was the first thing to come up when I opened the phone - work emails. Was about to close and I saw her name and first line was with emojis and I realised it wasn’t professional and clicked. There was 0 confidential stuff on there and I would never ever read any of his work emails (never have before).

He’s never cheated I never thought he would and I don’t THINK he has. But for example he has a nickname for her, so I’ve just learnt. Why have a nickname for someone you “never speak to” at the office? Why lie about not speaking to them? The whole thing is baffling and bizarre and I don’t know what to make of it - maybe I’m hormonal as I’ve just had a baby?

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyhopethisworksNC · 20/08/2018 23:58

Are you sure he doesnt fancy her too? Or at least love the attention...somethung of an ego boost for him.

I am not sure which of these it is, but surely one of them

OP posts:
AnnieOH1 · 21/08/2018 00:01

I've worked in plenty of offices where folks end up with nicknames - unless it's something like "love muffin" I don't think the nickname alone is concerning.

What is concerning though is that he seems to have laid the ground work for you to be worried, perhaps he's getting off on the thought of an affair but again it still doesn't mean he's doing anything.

Whatever happens I would get your house in order and keep watch. It's so tempting to release all your anger and frustration now on him, but that won't help you in the long run, it will just give him time to get rid of the evidence.

Original poster
reallyhopethisworksNC · 21/08/2018 00:05

AnnieOH1

Thank you - that sounds very sensible

OP posts:
UnscriptedTruth · 21/08/2018 00:11

You spend 40 hours a week with people you get very cozy and intimate. There are nicknames, inside jokes, traditions and you sit in the same spot at the conference table at meetings, like you have the same spot at a family dinner table. And that's just platonic stuff! Intimate, but platonic.

From your post it is hard to tell what is going on. Can you provide more detail about the emails?

NerdyBird · 21/08/2018 00:38

I think it's mostly the fact that he seems to have lied, isn't it? It could all be innocent but he's told you he never speaks to her and they aren't on the same team so why would there be such a level of banter? I'd definitely think he's up to something if it were my dh.

Original poster
reallyhopethisworksNC · 21/08/2018 00:43

NerdyBird

Exactly this! It’s that he has so clearly and repeatedly lied to me about never speaking to her. And the reason I know is because yes I have always asked him because of all the stuff he originally told me
And saying she fancied him and all that - so I’ve always asked oh was XYZ there or did you speak to her or do you at work blah blah blah and I always get told he never ever interacts with her. And it’s just been a big fat lie!

Also I get with the nickname all colleagues might call her one BUT when I said wtf is this nickname his response was “IVE always called her that”. Not WE call her that. IVE.

Also sorry for shitty spelling and grammar I just can’t be bothered.

OP posts:
Thatsfuckingshit · 21/08/2018 05:20

So I have a slightly different view on this.

I talk to people at work. Some I like. Some I am not that fussed about but chatting or emailing them keeps me entertained a bit and make my day pass faster and better.

I am betting that either she didn't fancy him in the first place (and he read it wrong) or she doesn't fancy him anymore. They have started chatting and he felt awkward because of what he told you before.

Also in our office, it doesn't matter who is on what project. We all chat across teams about them. Because different people bring different ideas in. Or we are just interested in how someone else's project is going. It can even be like talking about the weather 'how's project x going?'. Projects or deals an impact staff or projects not directly involved. So it's not unusual to talk to someone about something they aren't working on.

But, like others I am pretty horrified that you read his work email. I don't believe for a minute the 'I opened it and there they were. Because you still read them. You made a conscious choice to read his work stuff.

You should not even have access to a phone that he has work stuff on. If dp went on my laptop and read something I could, and probably would, get sacked.

387I2 · 21/08/2018 05:34

Why don't you two talk it over, rather than overanalyze it over the Internet with some strangers? Your husband can hardly stonewall a working colleague in an office setting, and if it's just "fun work dialogue" I don't see the problem. The nickname might be a way to distance oneself from the person in question. You shouldn't be reading through his work emails and "GDPR" is a very strict regulation in EU law, about data collection and data sharing.

Original poster
reallyhopethisworksNC · 21/08/2018 07:39

387I2

If you rtft you will see I have discussed it with him. However I was not convinced and wanted advice...hence the relationships advice board. Not sure what your issue is there.

I now feel awful about the work email thing - I really had no idea about it! I’ve asked the thread to be removed as don’t want to get him into trouble when is not his fault. However I do think people might’ve focused on the issue at hand rather than kicking someone who was down.

For everyone with relevant advice, thank you - it’s been helpful to see different perspectives

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Thatsfuckingshit · 21/08/2018 09:02

I think most have focuses on both issues.

His emailing and you potentially putting his job at risk. What you did could have far reaching implications. It's a big thing now. It's telling that you felt it was ok to do this.

Mommybearx · 21/08/2018 09:10

I think he probably enjoys the banter, it doesn’t mean he will cheat it’s like harmless interaction

However I wouldn’t like it
You should tell him how it makes u feel and say how would he feel if he was you and you were doing that.

Keep and eye on him and make sure your relationship is strong so that it remains that it stays as just emails and nothing more.

So glad me and my dh work together so I don’t have to worry about this stuff

yetmorecrap · 21/08/2018 09:32

Ah, I had this except it was whatsapp and someone who worked for us both, had 2 phone bills full of texting to her, so after second one I said something, he told me he would have a word, this lady is a prolific texter, single mum, a bit lonely etc , so the texts stopped a lot, by chance I noticed then how much he was on whatsapp which he had never much used and yet nothing in conversations, by now was getting alarmed as he was also getting possessive with phone, so I’m afraid I tweaked it so his whatsapp showed on my iPad. Anyway tons of it was going on, initiated by her and all just chit chat crap . When I did eventually say something , he acknowledged he was wrong to lie about it ,knew it would annoy me and said he didn’t know how to tell her to pack it in without upsetting her and we needed her for a project (Which was true) .since then she is no longer with us. OP what I learnt was some guys just like the ego buzz of it, I myself have never been much for texting, and as he works by himself at home a lot of the time I think he liked the buzz of it but nothing dodgy happening . I suspect that’s what your H is doing, you have just had a baby though and he needs to be aware you may feel a bit vulnerable

Sparkles1992 · 21/08/2018 14:48

I think they prob get along and he enjoys talking to her etc and it's been easier for him to just say they don't talk... as he knows you would ask him more questions and men just can't deal with a barrage of questions!... simple creatures, so it was easier for him to lie.

It's not ok though, it would upset me and make me trust him less, men think by telling lies they are giving themselves an easy life but it just ruins trust and relationships for an ego boost!

Chances are it passes time and he's enjoyed it but that's prob all it is.

If his work phone is so confidential he should have a password on it that you don't know, so I wouldn't feel bad for that! He knew you was on his phone...

Original poster
reallyhopethisworksNC · 21/08/2018 18:18

His emailing and you potentially putting his job at risk. What you did could have far reaching implications. It's a big thing now. It's telling that you felt it was ok to do this.

I don’t really understand this. I didn’t know about the implications or it being a huge breach or issue; honestly. Additionally, I don’t think it’s telling at all! It’s his personal phone and he and I have an open phone policy (which is why I wasn’t actually checking I was going to do something else! I would never go through his work emails anyway!). But either way I don’t think it’s necessary to use it as a stick to beat me with. I’m asking for advice, not judgement.

yetmorecrap and sparkles

I think you are both right! It’s obviously to do with enjoying a bit of attention and fairly harmless, but it’s the lack of transparency/deceit about it that has rubbed me up the wrong way. It’s also very unpleasant to see that sort of playful tone between your partner and another woman. yetmorecrap sorry that you’ve been through the same xx

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