Work emails

[reallyhopethisworksNC]

DH had a work colleague who he acknowledged fancied him - she used to make cookies etc just for him, weird stuff like that. However he said he spoke to her about unprofessional behaviour and has little to do with her in the office. She has since moved teams and I thought nothing of it. Stumbled upon an exchange of emails between them today on work email about a business deal. They did not work on the deal together and the entire tone has left me feeling cold - VERY playful and I just can’t understand why he started this dialogue with her, this bantery, fun work dialogue with someone he is no longer working with and who he apparently never spoke to at work?!?

I am not judging you.

But I think there is more to this that you don't want to admit to yourself.

I can't believe a grown adult did not consider that they wouldn't be allowed to read someone elses work emails. If you have concerns, you have concerns.

His fault about the work emails - he might have to report it as a breach (I would in a school) but they’d tell me off for having accessible emails on a personal device. All the GDPR training we had made a big deal about it being our responsibility to be careful about work emails on mobiles blah black blah

Okay it doesn't sound like he is really doing anything wrong, I work in an office and none of what the OP has posted about the colleague seems fishy.

I can't believe a grown adult did not consider that they wouldn't be allowed to read someone elses work emails.

Yup, I'm a bit about this too.

I swear, seriously, that I didn’t realise. It didn’t even cross my mind because I saw the name and first line and just clicked. I wasn’t deliberately looking at work emails so didn’t have a thought process to consider if it’s “allowed” or not. And I have never ever had cause to think he would cheat - that’s probably why I was so shocked, I was on his phone to do something else as I said, I didn’t expect or wasn’t searching for anything.

He has really apologised and said he can see it was inappropriate and a poor judgement call and he won’t respond to any future emails or engage in that manner again/telll me if she does. So all I can do is hope that that’s all true and wait and see if it is 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t know if this makes more sense but I’ve never had a job where I’ve had work emails on my phone. Genuinely no idea about this stuff. Maybe if I had planned to snoop I may have thought about it in more detail but honestly I’m not sure what my conclusion would’ve been.

Also he hasn’t said anything about it to me! He wasn’t like “oh my god you weren’t supposed to go on my work emails!!!” Or anything even vaguely similar!

He has really apologised and said he can see it was inappropriate and a poor judgement call and he won’t respond to any future emails or engage in that manner again/telll me if she does.

But didn't he already say that he'd told her to back off, and that he wouldn't have/didn't have anything to do with her?

I'm afraid you already know for sure that you can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, at least concerning this woman.

I'm afraid you already know for sure that you can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, at least concerning this woman.

This is true. His reasoning is that he thought the issue was so long ago he doesn’t even think of it anymore and it didn’t occur to him...he also said she is good st her job and they want her back in the team so he is being nice to her for that. Which I do find strange as why did he make a big song and dance about “you should be happy she is leaving the team” if 1) he didn’t think it’s an issue anymore and 2) they want her back anyway.

I don’t know if anyone knows this feeling but on one hand I think he’s the man i know and love and he would never do anything, but on the other last night I could imagine this second side to him I’d never imagined or seen before...

I really don't know what to say or think, so you must be up in the air completely.

I banter a lot with work people, and most of us adopt a playful tone with colleagues, don't we? (Don't we?) It's the trust that's the big issue, because that is so hard to repair.

One of the things he said was “you must miss us all terribly” in reference to old team. I just find that so...I don’t know how to take it. As sarcastic banter because she wouldn’t miss them, or as a bit of a flirty “I bet you miss me” type thing.

It doesn’t help as a PP said that I’m 6 weeks postpartum so feeling particularly unattractive and vulnerable

you must miss us all terribly

That wouldn't worth me - it sounds like a fake-cocky joke.

“might have to report it as a breach”

Because someone’s partner inadvertently read an email of office banter?

Hilarious.

I hate the word banter but it probably is just that. A male colleague calls me to talk about work and I always say 'aw you've missed me' and he says that of course he does but it's not meant in a flirty way at all.

However, your husband has clearly been downplaying their relationship, probably because he thought that saying there's a female colleague who fancies him and gave him biscuits would be better for him than saying he's got a friend at work who he has a good laugh with who gave him biscuits. Talk to him again and emphasise how it's not the friendship and the banter that's the main issue here, the main issue is the lying about it.

The thing is I’m now getting myself worked up! Eg early in pregnancy he went to a few separate work drinks where he said he would come home at 10 but fell off the map and came in more like 2am, and now I am just imagining the two of them talking at the events for hours and him putting his phone on silent - it’s horrible the dark places the mind will go when I do think it’s most likely nothing. However at the same time he knows I am very upset and he’s at work 9am-10pm so very long hours and he wasn’t really reaching out to me yesterday to reassure me.

I do find strange as why did he make a big song and dance about “you should be happy she is leaving the team” if 1) he didn’t think it’s an issue anymore and 2) they want her back anyway.

It does make sense. Because there are 2 sides. When at work I am in work mode. And if, for work reasons, we wanted someone back I would be happy with this. My personal feelings to their actions, years ago wouldn't come into it. Especially of they were acting how they did 2 years ago.

My exh hated my last boss. Because we got on. Nothing inappropriate ever happened between me and my boss. While I felt bad that exh, felt insecure about that. I had a job to do, for many reasons I was better off working that boss. That's boss has now moved office. But if I got the chance to work for him again, I would jump at it. Because it's good for my career.

If you have recently had a baby, then that's probably contributing. But going over him staying out late etc doesn't help and isn't relevant. You are making up the situation that he was staying out to see her.

There was nothing but work chat in those emails and you are blowing it up into something else. If he started texting and trying to reassure you all day, he wouldn't then be doing his actual job and you would probably start reading more into that. Because you feel vulnerable and just had a baby.

You need to remember that you didn't find anything bad. You need to take a deep breath and calm down.

So glad me and my dh work together so I don’t have to worry about this stuff

People have had affairs when they all worked together. If they want to, they will find a way.

Your DH likes her attention. She left the team but he wants her back. He asks if she misses them ...knowing she fancies him. That's a mixed message to her.

He's actually being a bit sneaky in how he's doing it. Just being careful not to be overt...he's too familiar and he's not maintaining boundaries.

He should read Not just friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

I've known many affairs start like this...even when one party wasn't interested to begin with. The fact that the other person is interested in You...Is enough to make some people rethink it.

It's an ego boost...and where the wife is pregnant or post partum..i hear the excuses of you were focussed on the baby. you weren't paying me any attention

Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal."

People who never intended to be unfaithful are unwittingly forming deep, passionate connections before they realize that they've crossed the line that separates platonic friendship from romantic love. Dr. Glass says today's workplace and the Internet have become the danger zones of attraction and opportunity.

Men and women co-workers with similar interests and educations are working toward similar goals. Often, these people spend more time with co-workers than families during the week. Add in a co-worker that's particularly engaging and workplace that's full of energy or stress and the stage is set

Thatsfuckingshit

The thing that doesn’t make sense isn’t that he would want her back in the team! It’s why he would even tell me she left the team as a way to somehow make me happy, if the plan is to get her back into the team? I have no idea about his job, he could’ve just said nothing at all. He also told me he didn’t think it was an issue any more for me - but again if that was true why tell me she was leaving the team to make me happy?

I agree with a lot of what you are saying about me thinking about it not being helpful etc. But you didn’t see the emails - it was all playful banter about going for drinks and fatherhood interrupting his social life etc etc that just doesn’t feel right given the history and doesn’t gel with him telling me they simply never interact. But yeh, the timing of this is pretty poor just because I’m not feeling my best. And you are speaking sense. I do really appreciate all the advice, it’s great to get different perspectives.

*Your DH likes her attention. She left the team but he wants her back. He asks if she misses them ...knowing she fancies him. That's a mixed message to her.

He's actually being a bit sneaky in how he's doing it. Just being careful not to be overt...he's too familiar and he's not maintaining boundaries.*

THIS is exactly how I feel about it! Thank you for articulating it so well

Honestly op. I moan about motherhood all the time at work. Doesn't mean I don't love my kids or regret having them or am unhappy or planning to leave.

Playful banter is normal for a lot of people.

Of course he told you she left if it was worrying you. That doesn't mean that the team don't need her back or will be better with her back. That's a totally different issue.

Sometimes you have to foster good relations at work. It's how it goes. Especially if you know that someone is coming to work with you. We are adding people to my department. I just sat and chatted to one during lunch. I don't like her, personally, but we had a laugh over lunch. She is coming to work with me. It's what you do.

All this pulling apart every word typed, isn't helping you. You already feel rubbish. Most of us did 6 weeks post partum. That's what's feeding this.

Realistically there is nothing further you can do. You aren't going to end it with him over this so best thing to do is try and forget it. Perhaps he was enjoying a flirt and some attention but hopefully being caught will sort him out & make him realise he's gone too far

Thanks guys for all of the help xx

In my opinion This is where it gets easy for an affair. New data rules.

Office banter aside this boils down to your DH and whether you trust him or not in your relationship. If your 6th sense is telling you something is wrong then judging by the sad stories you read on MN you shouldn't ignore your gut feeling.

In our workplace we are all very friendly, have nicknames, socialise a lot outside of work even when we're not working on the same projects, hug and colleagues of opposite sex who work particularly well together are often referred to as work wife or work husband. We bicker like siblings. There is absolutely nothing sexual about it. We also know everything about each others families. My DH has never batted an eyelid and would never have an issue with how we interact with each other. But then again we trust each other. I appreciate not all workplaces are like this but I feel incredibly lucky to work with people I consider to be friends rather than typical colleagues.