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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do next?

52 replies

JupiterBelle · 20/08/2018 20:05

I need to write it all down as I don’t know what to think. Apologies as this may be long and garbled.

My DH has told me that he has had someone he works with messaging him inappropriately.

He’s mentioned her before and said that she’s been having family troubles and is very up and down. She’s been asking him to go around and help her out with things and he’s always said no.

She knows he’s married and has kids (our youngest is 4 months old), yet has messaged him non stop every day for weeks.

Last week he told me that she’s been sending messages saying: “she can’t stop thinking about kissing him,” “she fingers herself thinking about him,” (yes she’s that classy) “she can’t stop thinking about him” etc.

He told me that after a night out with his friends him and a friend had gone around as she was having a party. When they got there it turned out to be just her and her friend so after ten minutes he left. He said as he left she tried to kiss him and he pushed her away and said no he was married and it wasn’t appropriate.

Apparently since then she’s been texting him constantly and he’s been trying to ignore her but she’s just been sending him rants saying “how dare he ignore her” etc.

He told me that he bought she was depressed and lonely as she’s a single mum with no friends and a dysfunctional family and as he’s been depressed before he just wanted to be her friend and help her out. He said he didn’t tell me the extent of her messages as he thought he was handling it but clearly it hadn’t helped.

He knows he’s fucked up and that I’m so angry with him but I just don’t know what to do. He says it’s all one sided and he’s shown me his replies to her messages which have been very monosyllabic and not flirty at all but I’m fuming that he even went around there. He said he was flattered someone younger fancied him but had absolutely no attraction to her and wished he had said something sooner.

After we spoke he’s blocked her on all social media so she text him a load of abuse and then tried to add me on FB. He’s since blocked all her numbers.

I don’t think he would have done anything but it’s all thrown me and I’m just a bit of a wreck. Where do I go from here? Can we get back from this? How illegal is it to stab him in the eyes???

OP posts:
Pancakepoop · 20/08/2018 20:11

I’d be fuming he went round to hers even if it was what he thought was a party. But, if he has shown you evidence that he hasn’t said anything inappropriate then it sounds like he just needs to be informing HR at work ASAP - she could turn nasty and he needs to get in there first.

Clairetree1 · 20/08/2018 20:15

He needs to take all the messages and show the HR at work, and make a formal complaint

sittingonacornflake · 20/08/2018 20:18

I'm absolutely no relationship expert (disclaimer), however, I think on this occasion I would give him the benefit of the doubt. This is because he has shown you evidence of his replies to her (not flirty) and has come completely clean about the whole thing. However, I would keep this in the back of my mind and be wary if he ever started talking frequently about another woman and remind him of this incident.... he needs to be sure to shoot anything else down as soon as it might happen.

AnyFucker · 20/08/2018 20:24

I would not be wearing all this "one sided" business

He's been reciprocating but now she's responded to his attentions he is panicking

There are very few complete nutters in this world. What a coincidence someone he has been "messaging" and partying with has turned out to be one

Original poster
JupiterBelle · 20/08/2018 20:24

I was trying to be a bit vague as it’s a bit outing but he’s self employed and has since relocated her to someone else. He’s worried that she could spread rubbish about his business but even though he can prove everything’s a lie and has copies of messages stuff sticks doesn’t it.

I’m beyond pissed off that he went to her house. That and didn’t tell me she’d tried to kiss him. I just don’t know how to deal with any of this.

OP posts:
ellav · 20/08/2018 20:27

I'm with @AnyFucker on this one sadly.... it screamed out to me when you said she tried to add you on FB.

I assume you ignored her request, and I'd have definitely done the same, but I'd definitely think she was a woman scorned who wanted to tell me something.

I really hope I'm wrong though obviously

user1467232073 · 20/08/2018 20:28

I would go against the grain here. Are you sure she isn’t trying to tell you something and is angry at him because something has gone on and now he has discarded her? Everything sounded plausible until you said he visited her house. Really, why would he do this? I would Loren to what she says on Facebook first before coming to any conclusions and monitor his reaction to this after

user1467232073 · 20/08/2018 20:28

‘Listen

Original poster
JupiterBelle · 20/08/2018 20:30

I agree, with the one sided thing- he reciprocated by responding which he shouldn’t have done and it’s funny how men always say that they’re mentally unwell” these women that go for married men.

The cynic in me says it’s a load of shit but then I’ve seen his responses and her messages. It’s just a confusing mess.

OP posts:
ellaV · 20/08/2018 20:30

Have you checked your messages on FB? I'm not on it anymore, but isn't there a 'hidden' or 'awaiting permission' bit for messages? Maybe log on with laptop?

I wouldn't accept a request, but I wouldn't block her either.
The cynical part of me would also suggest checking your blocked list on phone and FB to make sure husband hasn't blocked her on your behalf

Thinkingofausername1 · 20/08/2018 20:31

He should go to HR as it's sexual harassment. You sound like you have a good committed dh there Flowers

AnyFucker · 20/08/2018 20:32

Correction: you have seen the messages he wants you to see

Original poster
JupiterBelle · 20/08/2018 20:33

I ignored it and then it disappeared I’m intrigued as to what she’d say but I know she’s angry at him.

OP posts:
JW1226 · 20/08/2018 20:34

To be honest I think there is more that meets the eye here I could be wrong but I'd go with your gut instincts.. could he be back tracking covering his ass... this could have been going on way longer than what he's said. X
Add her on fb get her side of the story x

bastardkitty · 20/08/2018 20:34

It sounds like he wants to tell you a bullshit version of events before she tells you about their affair.

ellaV · 20/08/2018 20:35

Can you check his phone bill to see if any MMS/picture messages sent?

Original poster
JupiterBelle · 20/08/2018 20:59

I’m tempted to send her a message but don’t know what to say. The messages were on snapchat so no bills. The cynic in me is agreeing that there’s more to this but the rest of me wants to believe him.

OP posts:
ellaV · 20/08/2018 21:10

Totally get that temptation, but please try not to... how will you feel if she then doesn't reply? I'd personally be gutted she then had the upper hand.
At the moment, she's got no idea she's got to you.

Have you seen the messages specifically from the night him and his mate went round to hers? If those are missing from the conversation I'd be worried too.

I'm so sorry, this is awful.

What bloke goes to a woman's house that he's admitted he liked the attention from with a 4 month old baby at home!?

Again, I'm so so sorry xx

ellaV · 20/08/2018 21:16

I think I'd have to tell him as calmly as I could that I know full well I'm not getting the full story here, and that you really need him to be fully honest about every tiny step of this.
Literally, start to finish.

Also tell him she added you on Facebook but you want to hear him out 'before you message her to ask what the hell is going on'.
I'd say also 'please please don't put me in a situation where I have to message a stranger about my marriage. Please'

Original poster
JupiterBelle · 20/08/2018 21:23

I know from other mumsnet threads that there are always 2 sides to a story and he might be hiding more (which is usually the case) but by now if there was anything else he’d have probably deleted it. I don’t want to message her because it asked me look pathetic but I also want to hear her side.

There’s a good chance I’ll see her about too as she lives 3 minutes from our house (which is why he was walking past when him and his mate went round).

What kind of woman goes after a married man?? What kind of dickhead husband doesn’t immediately shut it down????

OP posts:
ellaV · 20/08/2018 21:27

Slutty desperate hard faced women and stupid stupid stupid men.

I'd also say it's time this married man with snapchat gave that a rest!

I'm angry for you! Literally shaking my head at him!

I'd have to make it clear that I couldn't move on without the truth from him, however much he thinks it will hurt you, this is better coming from him and quite clearly this 'lady' is tempted to tell you.... call his bluff and brace yourself xx

iloveeggandcressbutties · 20/08/2018 21:30

Sorry to say this but from your description it sounds like she is obsessed and potentially stalking if it gets any worse. You will have to keep copies of all correspondence and a diary of events if she doesn't stop.

Original poster
JupiterBelle · 20/08/2018 21:41

I’ve said that I need the truth and he’s adamant he’s told me everything. He’s deleted snapchat apparently. I’ve never ever gone through a partners phone but I kind of want to now.

From the messages I saw she did seem very intense and from what I’ve seen of her she doesn’t look his type but I feel like there’s always an element of the unknown.

He’s already done the “she’s crazy, who knows what she’ll say spiel”.

I go between being furious at him and just crying (and I hate crying!).

OP posts:
Karigan198 · 20/08/2018 21:49

Ok here’s the thing. He thinks she’s lonely and depressed. Yes he was stupid but it kind of sounds like he was trying to be a good guy. Mentally she sounds like she was drowning. If it was physical drowning you’d never object to him helping.

He left when he realised it was inappropriate. You’ve seen messages that show he wasn’t flirting. Just ask him to keep his distance and leave it alone

RainySeptember · 20/08/2018 21:51

I find it hard to believe that she is sending those sorts of messages without any encouragement.

I would suggest he reports her to HR and gauge his reaction to that.

I think I would also send her a 'stop harassing him' type message that needs no reply, but opens the door should she wish to tell you anything.