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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do next?

52 replies

JupiterBelle · 20/08/2018 20:05

I need to write it all down as I don’t know what to think. Apologies as this may be long and garbled.

My DH has told me that he has had someone he works with messaging him inappropriately.

He’s mentioned her before and said that she’s been having family troubles and is very up and down. She’s been asking him to go around and help her out with things and he’s always said no.

She knows he’s married and has kids (our youngest is 4 months old), yet has messaged him non stop every day for weeks.

Last week he told me that she’s been sending messages saying: “she can’t stop thinking about kissing him,” “she fingers herself thinking about him,” (yes she’s that classy) “she can’t stop thinking about him” etc.

He told me that after a night out with his friends him and a friend had gone around as she was having a party. When they got there it turned out to be just her and her friend so after ten minutes he left. He said as he left she tried to kiss him and he pushed her away and said no he was married and it wasn’t appropriate.

Apparently since then she’s been texting him constantly and he’s been trying to ignore her but she’s just been sending him rants saying “how dare he ignore her” etc.

He told me that he bought she was depressed and lonely as she’s a single mum with no friends and a dysfunctional family and as he’s been depressed before he just wanted to be her friend and help her out. He said he didn’t tell me the extent of her messages as he thought he was handling it but clearly it hadn’t helped.

He knows he’s fucked up and that I’m so angry with him but I just don’t know what to do. He says it’s all one sided and he’s shown me his replies to her messages which have been very monosyllabic and not flirty at all but I’m fuming that he even went around there. He said he was flattered someone younger fancied him but had absolutely no attraction to her and wished he had said something sooner.

After we spoke he’s blocked her on all social media so she text him a load of abuse and then tried to add me on FB. He’s since blocked all her numbers.

I don’t think he would have done anything but it’s all thrown me and I’m just a bit of a wreck. Where do I go from here? Can we get back from this? How illegal is it to stab him in the eyes???

OP posts:
NadiaLeon · 20/08/2018 21:54

OP - are you really 100% that you believe him when he says nothing has gone on?

ellaV · 20/08/2018 21:56

He will have deleted everything from phone now I reckon anyway.

Give it time and see how you feel. Can he go and stay at his parents until the weekend maybe? Just a few days to give yourself some space?

Whether he's telling the truth, or you find out the truth eventually, this will take you some time to get past.

Took me a year after I found out my bf cheated 9 months earlier. He denied the lot and the hardest part for me was having to drag it out of him over the coming weeks. He'd told me so many lies (I'd already read his phone before confronting him) that he honestly had no idea what was left to tell me, what I knew and what I didn't know etc.
We DID get past it, but it took a long time as I said, and a lot of compromise and tail between his legs from him.

I really really hope your husband is telling the truth.

You know him though..... you know him better than anyone on here can relate to their experiences.. do YOU think he's lying? Over the last few months have you noticed anything different about him?

crispysausagerolls · 20/08/2018 22:16

No one just texts a man “I’m fingering myself thinking about you”. 100% he has been sexting her or worse and has deleted his messages or is now trying to back out. I am telling you - this doesn’t add up at all.

crispysausagerolls · 20/08/2018 22:18

Message her and ask her what’s going on. Then when she says what you know she will, ask if she has proof. Pretty sure she will.

Original poster
JupiterBelle · 20/08/2018 22:56

He’s offered to go stay there for a few days but then it leads to a whole load of questioning. If we do stay together I don't want other people to think there’s a chance he could have cheated or for me to be reminded at any point.

He’s said that he replied to the fingering message (I feel gross writing that) saying it was inappropriate and she just replied “sorry”.

I’ve asked to see his snapchat but he’s said that the messages don’t keep and he’s blocked her on it now as well as deleted the app.

Ella how has it changed the dynamics of your relationship? Do you get worried if he goes out with his mates or anything? I’ve never had a cause to mistrust him and he’s not seemed off but I have been a bit wrapped up in our baby and 20 month old!

OP posts:
ellaV · 21/08/2018 05:56

Hiya, what a bloody mess!
It has enormously changed our dynamics im sorry to say, and I do get paranoid.
He goes to the pub once a week or to watch the rugby occasionally, but rarely does anything else socially. It's work things that I worry about, black tie events, dinners, lunches happen all the time through his work.
He spoke to his boss at the time it happened and said he'd been 'stupid' and needed to drop a few clients and commitments. Fortunately his boss read between the lines and was very good.

He does work things a LOT less now, but they still happen. Problem is, he could lie to me and I wouldn't have a clue really. I check his phone and laptop regularly now but he knows I do, so there'd be nothing on them anyway.

My saving grace was that all of this happened when we were first together for the first 6 months roughly (it just took me 9 months to find out), and when he says he's a different person now to who he was then, I do believe him.

I'm all honestly, I think your husband is keeping something back from you, prob not a full blown affair, but I reckon he's encouraged this a lot more than he admits, and now regrets it enormously. This woman I reckon has threatened to tell you when it all got too much and he stopped it, and he's had to tell you as much as he can in case she does. This may be the scare tactic he needs to not do similar again xx

tillytown · 21/08/2018 06:19

Yeah, he's lying, but you knew that already.
I'm confused, if you saw the fingering message, why didn't you see his message to her? Or the 'sorry'?

tillytown · 21/08/2018 06:26

Ok, ignore me. Read it again. He never actually showed you these messages, he is just telling you random things to make you think this other woman is crazy. He's dumb.

BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 21/08/2018 06:42

So to clarify - you have seen all the messages his and hers including the fingering one ?

pictish · 21/08/2018 06:43

I’m another who think there is more to this than he’s letting on. It could be that she’s ‘crazy’ and he’s innocent of any wrongdoing - or it might be that he has participated and encouraged and enjoyed her attention/possibly shagged her...and now realising she’s a bit intense and means to make her presence well known, wants her to go away and leave him alone. But she won’t.

Dig deeper OP.

NadiaLeon · 21/08/2018 06:52

Or maybe it's as OH describes it and you're unknowingly looking for evidence to suit the narrative on here which is that he is a cheat.
Do nothing and let things settle down.

RatRolyPoly · 21/08/2018 07:13

Oh, he says she's crazy does he? The best thing I can tell you about spotting lies is that if it's improbable and convenient... IT'S NOT TRUE.

I was kind of buying the whole story too, you know. Up until the point you said he deleted her from social media and she went nuts and tried to add/message you. Why would she contact YOU if it is as your dh describes and she's been chasing your husband? Who would you be to her? What could she possibly have to say to you?

...but that's the million dollar question isn't it.

I don't know what the truth is, but I know this ain't it.

swingofthings · 21/08/2018 07:30

So he did give her his mobile number and when there was ambiguity with her feelings he still thought a good idea to go to her place. When he realised it was set up he didn't turn around immediately he waited 10 minutes and for her to kiss him. Did he tell that evening what had happen?

Then she texts him what he should consider obscene things but didn't block her immediately?

Sorry OP but in all likelihood he is lying. The truth is that he indeed got flattered, got excited to see how it could go, went too far if only with a kiss and words, she got taken in, then rejected, she threatened to tell you and show the texts, he came clean with a very edited version, told her she had no more hold on him, she still made threats, he blocks her now and hopes she has moved on and you believe his story.

You can forgive and work on what happened but I certainly wouldn't believe his story.

BackInTheRoom · 21/08/2018 07:50

I think he's concealing info too. However, if his liaison with her wasn't full on, messy, then maybe think of this whole thing as a wake up call for you and him to address your relationship?

deydododatdodontdeydo · 21/08/2018 08:41

If he's only telling her what he wants her to know, why even mention the "fingering" text - he could easily conceal that.
In fact, why mention any of it?
Why mention this woman at all if he's carrying on with her.
Seems very strange to drop himself in this when he could keep it hidden.
Even if he's broken it off and is worreid OW will tell OP, odd to go into so much detail.

RatRolyPoly · 21/08/2018 08:56

If he's only telling her what he wants her to know, why even mention the "fingering" text - he could easily conceal that.

When you're worried something might come out that isn't going to make you look good you get in there first with your own story. That story has to contain just enough unpalatable "truth" for it to be believable that that's the reason why you concealed it in the first place. But if you later come to see that story is a mixture of truth and not-quite-truths, you can bet your bottom dollar the "true" bits aren't the worst of what really happened. You can absolutely guarantee it.

I'm not saying anyone here knows what the truth of the matter here is, but I can assure you it is not the story OP has been told so far. Whether or not it's just a little bit worse (i.e. his intent was not as innocent and he has described) or far worse (one can only imagine), we can't possibly know. But I for one wouldn't be stopping at this story.

The first story is never the truth. But of course that is completely down to the OP how she cares to address this.

Historydweeb · 21/08/2018 08:56

Sorry OP but Snapchat messages dissappear once read. It sounds like the messages he's shown you are the ones where he's already decided to knock it on the head and so will only show the monosyllabic replies. Don't be naive, you deserve more. He sounds like a gaslighting arse

SparklyMagpie · 21/08/2018 09:11

No I also think there's more to this. Convenient it's on Snapchat that deletes their messages.

The fingering text...just no, as has been picked up on, who in their right mind would randomly send that to a married man when there's supposedly been nothing prior?

I'm not buying it

Whisky2014 · 21/08/2018 09:21

Have you yourself seen the messages or has he just told you?

SpiritedLondon · 21/08/2018 09:40

Sorry I agree with lots of the other posters. I think something reciprocal has happened between them ( sexting, ONS, affair etc) and your DH has tried to finish it and she has now threatened to tell you. It sounds like he has gone into panic mode and is telling you the minimum to try and paint her as “ loony” to discredit her. It just seems like a much more likely option than her becoming fixated with your DH with no real encouragement from him - particularly if she’s been very explicit with him in the texts.
personally I don’t think we should be calling women “slutty”

Harpstrings · 21/08/2018 12:34

I'd be tempted to add her on FB & see what develops.
He may have deleted it all on his end, chances are - she hasn't.

NadiaLeon · 21/08/2018 13:32

Lots of encouragement here for the OP to try to find reasons (spurious) to end the marriage. Poor kids. You need evidence, not just internet based suspicions.

RatRolyPoly · 21/08/2018 13:38

Lots of encouragement here for the OP to try to find reasons (spurious) to end the marriage.

Well I for one am not telling her to end the marriage. What I am saying is that if she has a particular issue with basing her life decisions on her spouse's lies then she might want to look a bit deeper, but equally some people prefer not to know all the details and that's absolutely their right.

Original poster
JupiterBelle · 21/08/2018 14:13

I don’t use Snapchat but he’s shown me a screenshot of a couple of messages. I know there’s plenty of things that might have been said but I’ll never know now unless she’s got copies.

She’s got his number because she called him to hire him for the job. It’s also public knowledge as it’s a local business number.

I don’t particularly want to end my marriage with 2 small children if he’s telling the truth. But I think I need to either accept what he’s saying and move on or end it and be done with it all not sit stewing for weeks and months.

If there was proof it was more then it’d be over completely.

He’s never given me any reason to doubt him before and we’re usually pretty honest about everything which is why I haven’t kicked him out already.

OP posts:
RatRolyPoly · 21/08/2018 14:24

I don't think anyone's saying you should end your marriage OP, not at all, in your position I wouldn't be contemplating it either. However if you want to take this on face value and put it immediately behind you I think that only makes sense if you would be prepared to do that no matter what he'd done. Because if the details do matter to you, but you just don't want to go digging around to find them in case they give you some difficult decisions, I think you might be doing yourself a disservice in the long run.

I'm not convinced it's anything massively earth-shatteringly bad that he's withholding incidentally - it could be really minor - but I just know when it's been me my top priority has been to do everything I can to find out exactly what I'm dealing with. Because personally, for me, it mattered. But it's totally your call and I really do wish you the best of luck :)