33 and watching on the sidelines, i am so lonely i dont want to be here anymore. has anyone felt like this and had it all turn around?

[lizzedays]

I posted a while ago about this and I am sorry to come back again I am just in a really bad way. I am so lonely. I go to work everyday in this big office and people think I am successful" but I am nearly at breaking point. I am so deeply lonely I don't think I can take it anymore.

I used to be resiliant about being alone. I have had relationships in the past and when I feel better I can be a good fun. I am just so unhappy now. I cant face the dating world again. Nothing works out in the long run.

some people never have heartbreak, they meet someone at 20 and that's it. all my twenties was filled with heartbreak across three serious relationships that ended. it isnt fair. such a self pitying thing to say but it is how i feel. why havent i met my "one" yet. what is wrong with me?

from the outside my world looks great. i am a crumbling mess and cant imagine ever meeting anyone and approaching mid thirties i will never have the love and romance and family. i feel like there is no point to my life anymore.

has anyone felt like this and got better, seen the light or been happy? i have never felt so low and lonely in my life.

Hello lovely - I'm so sorry to read how unhappy you are. I do completely get it: I remember vividly so many weekends when I was younger when the only people I spoke to were shop assistants as I bought groceries. Loneliness is a crucifying thing to experience and endure and my heart goes out to you.

I think there are a couple of things that may help. I ended up volunteering in a charity shop at weekends - it was fantastic and gave me a purpose. I spoke to so many people, many, many of whom were so much worse off than me. It was fun and so worthwhile- I commend it to you.

I also agree that you should actively consider having a baby by sperm donor. A friend of mine has taken this route and is besides herself with happiness. She got to 35 and decided that she didn't want to risk never having to the thing she wanted most in this world. She is extremely conventional so did not find it easy to tell her friends and family but is so pleased that she went ahead with it - her baby is due in the next couple of months

But as other posters have said, I do feel that you should see your GP. I was prescribed citalopram anti-d's when I was at a particularly low ebb and they were literally a life-saver.

For you x

41 and my latest relationship is ending. Not my fault but it hurts like hell. Before that I was single for many years before the heartbreak of my previous relationship breaking up. It sucks. It really sucks and a few days ago I'd totally had enough too.

But life can and does get better. It's just a case of riding out this difficult time and finding small things to be thankful for everyday.

I hope I'll find my one but maybe I won't. I'm still a good person regardless and so are you.

OP. I identify with much of what you have written.
An American friend once told me "if ya always do what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got!" That was the kick in the bum I needed. If you wants to change things YOU need to change your approach,
I would firstly speak to your GP and also ask about counselling. Counselling turned my negative thinking around. I think everyone should do it. (Very American, but the boundless optimism in the US should not be underestimated) Feeling flat as you do, that dullness is not living life to its full and with a few tweaks, you can change that, for the better.
Get some fun exercise. Endorphins are your friend.
Maybe try something like www.itsjustlunchlondon.com instead of regular online dating?
In terms of having a family...I would proceed with caution... the Hollywood, rose tinted version of family life bears no resemblance to real life. Real life is messy and unpredictable and hard and fun and everything else all rolled in together. But, you need to be fully present and fully you and be content, not hope that a baby will magically make everything ok,
Please please please, know it is ok not to be ok. It is more than ok to ask for help and it is ok to ask to be happy. Just take that first step and speak to your GP. Tell the whole truth and nothing but...
Sending hugs .

Never ever give up hope.
Never ever
Do you hear me
When my twat of an arsehole exh left me , I was as lonely as fuck.
Despite my life full of lovely people, a couple of them I’d created myself
But I still missed that special relationship

I was 56 when I met my second date on plenty of fish
Three months after going on the site

I’d done all the usual stuff, went out plenty, took up sailing ( all married)
Loads of holidays

Then my husband to be became a widower...I believe I had to wait for him
We met 9 months after the event and he was worth the wait and I’m so glad eventhough I was lonely and felt no one would love me in that way again, I sucked the fun out out of life at every opportunity and I have some excellent memories

It won’t be like this forever
Nothing stays the same...

So enjoy your life..never give up..I’m so glad I didn’t..we’ve had ten great years
And it really socked it to my ex too which was great.

Re sperm donors

A friend never found the one and all she wanted was to be a mum
She had triplet boys at the age of 45 and she is one very happy bunny.

Sorry to sound brutal but you won't get a relationship by sitting alone posting on MN. You have to get out there. Your relationships in the past have not worked out in the past, but that's no reason why a future one won't/ Past performance is no guarantee of future performance. It sucks being lonely, but if you get out there that could literally change overnight.

OP, a lot of the people you think you are watching from the sidelines living their idyllic family lives have actually made enormous personal compromises that you would not imagine they would have, in order to be in a relationship or have a family. I would hazard a guess that you would - very rightly and healthily - never consider making these compromises yourself, hence why you think the opportunities for the life you think you want have not come along, as you have not associated those opportunities with the kind of immense self sacrifice and accepted victimhood that society expects of women in order to get them. You just thought, when you saw them, that those kinds of options or relationships were not feasible. Well guess what - they were feasible and other people chose them, provided they twisted themselves in knots to be something they were not in order to get them. Which i’m guessing you, admirably, didn’t.

I am 34 with three DC and I have to tell you that all of my friends in a similar position and I - all of us to varying degrees - are in situations where we are vulnerable. Financially, emotionally, physically, mentally.

Society (and social media) is scewed in such a way to silence women into being seen to enjoy idyllic family lives, the vulnerability of being a wife and a mother, and to pretend that immense vulnerability, devastatingly hard work and burden of looking after children (usually alone, even if married,) is somehow being #blessed because that is the only bloody option they have.

I dream of being you, I really do. Freedom, choices, not being reliant on (and therefore nice to) a man to share the costs of three human beings we created who need looking after, and allowing him to use that societal manipulation, however subtly to keep me down.

I would swap my life for yours in a nano second.

I feel exactly the same, please don’t think this is just you.
But you can change things, you’re really young! Plenty of time to make a family.
I am middle aged now and felt as you do all through my twenties, married in haste mid thirties and divorced at 50. I still feel as though I’m on the outside looking on. Perhaps I always will.
I agree with those saying get a cat or some other pet, it gives you purpose and something to love.
Also on line dating can work, give it a go! It’s not for me but you’re young!
Best of luck, if you need to talk pm me by all means.

Ah for you!

There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you, I’m sure. Just because you haven’t met the right person yet doesn’t mean you never will. You’re still young!

Sorry if I’ve missed this but have you tried online dating? Asked friends to set you up with other singles they know? Would you say you’re craving the relationship with another person, or the idea of having a family? As with the latter, there are options like sperm donors. Doesn’t mean you won’t meet anyone at a later stage, but if having a family is your main aim you do have options open to you now.

I agree with PP about getting a pet or two, they aren’t substitute relationships but they give meaning to life, unconditional love and help with loneliness.

I definitely think that if I had my time over again and wanted children I would use a sperm donor without any involvement or complication related to relationships!

I know this is often frowned upon but as I remember two of your previous threads, I've gone back and read those and your others.

Quite honestly, OP, I am at a loss to understand your threads.

You have had several threads about being lonely and wanting children. Yet at the same time on one of them you say you don't actually want children for some years, you just don't see it happening at all because you're single. And lonely. Yet you've actually only been single since April, as you'd been seeing someone for six months when it ended.

Although clearly he was a shit. Was this the same man who in November was married, you hadn't been physical with but you'd both told each other you loved each other? And who had been married for a year and was an old friend of yours?

Only this month, another old friend, this one engaged, reappeared to tell you he had feelings for you, and you apparently have feelings for him?

Clearly, you have no trouble attracting men. You've had these old friends turning up with regularity wanting you, and you've had relationships in the past. However, they all appear to have been shits or abusive or controlling.

Then there is you writing threads about "a friend" who appears to have the same issue as you a day or two after your own thread - hoping for different answers?

Lumping all these things together, you could well be very depressed and you should see your GP, as you often say you are very low and see no point in living and are continually asking people for their "happy stories". At the same time, I think you need to work on yourself and why you always seem a magnet for lousy men and why you fall for them, including ones that are already taken. Maybe some therapy would be a very valuable idea.

Butterfly that's exactly what I did.
Started seriously considering it around 33, I was exactly like the op.
Found out I was pregnant on my 36th birthday, I've never looked back!

Yes I felt like this!! But then picked my self up, started going to the gym, making myself feel good.
Started online dating and met my fiance! This was when I was 34

OP at 33 I was where you are. My heart was broken and I was desperately lonely, my boyfriend had died when we were 31 and I could not see myself being happy ever again. I used to see people going to the pub on a weekend, full of laughter and having a good time etc and I was so lonely.
I eventually met my husband at aged 38, had 1 child at 39 and one at 42!!
Life can turn around pretty quickly, so even though you feel like you are watching from the sidelines, it won’t always be that way x

OP sorry you are in a rut at the moment. You are not alone, I really do understand how you feel.

Can i just post a few things that have helped me.

I cut people off that were no good to me in my life. This is hard, but I didn't need some people bringing me down more than I was.

I found someone to talk to, I couldn't afford a therapist, she was linked to our local church. Even though I was not even a member of the church she welcomed me. Just talking to someone to get how you feel out, does help a lot. You don't even need an answer back on what you should or should not be doing, just talking helps.

I started exercising as I read somewhere, if you need to work on your mental health, exercise you body. If you need to work on your physical self, work your mind. I started out slow, took a pilates class once a week then signed up for a free bootcamp session after I got into the swing of things. I just felt better for doing it.

I didnt, but there is always medical help available. Your GP could prescribe you something to make day to day things easier.

Lizzie, I came through a very trying seperation and divorce, and yes I was lonely, I had never been on my own before. And then I came to realize that I really wasn't lonely after all, it was all the other things stacked up that I wasn't dealing with, and they sort of let me to think it was loneliness. So then I stopped thinking this and really just started to find what I enjoyed doing again. And somewhere in there, I realized that I am not so bad after all, I actually like me. I am ok.

But just to let you know, now that I have this different way of thinking, its changed me, and just by chance, met someone. I would never have dreamed that it would work out this way as I was very anti meeting anyone, until even recently you will see this on other posts. I think I had to be in the right mental space for it too.

I know you will get through this, but am not denying that is is just easy as waking up one day and all is different. Go easy on yourself. Take care Lizzie.

Oh OP, it's so hard. The crushing loneliness. I remember it all too well. And I could day, but I met DH at 33 and we had DS1 at 37. But I won't, because that would have felt so far away from where I was.

What helped me was volunteering, something to pull my focus out of myself. I think it also helped my depression, alongside meds & counselling. It also meant I was busy when not working, so meant I was less likely to cope with negative behaviours.

Therapy. Work in yourself first. Going into a relationship unhappy rarely works. Plus it’ll help you consider what changes need to be made.

I too know how you feel, but I knew 3 other women who were in exactly the same situation as me so I didn’t feel quite as alone in my predicament. Serious relationships/marriages in early 20s into their 30s and suddenly finding themselves alone while everyone around us was partnered up.

Ten years later and all of us have found someone to love and share our lives with.

One moved abroad for work and found a long term partner there via mutual friends. They just moved back together to U.K.

Another returned back to her home country and I see updates of the beautiful home she designed for them, the travels they do, etc via FB. She wasn’t keen on having kids but she’s blissfully happy in the life she’s now got.

The other two of us got married and tried for kids. I was successful, and am the story you hear repeated often about someone in their late 30s with a great career meeting that last single, successful decent guy, getting married and having two kids into our early 40s without difficulties. Moved out of London, got dog, cats, and a garden just to complete the stereotype I now am.

The other woman had several pregnancies but sadly gave up after her 3rd miscarriage, as the emotional toil was too much on them. They are both religious, which I suspect played a large part of why they felt it wasn’t meant to be. They had a difficult few years, had couples counselling and are now very happy. One of them just got offered a fantastic overseas offer via his work. Her work allows her to consult from anywhere in the world... so they’re off for next few years. If they had kids, there’s no way they’d accept (don’t want to put too much detail here).

Long post (for which I name changed) to say.... it’s not always a fairytale ending with little children running at your feet. But you CAN have a happy life, even if it’s not exactly as the one you pictured.

I was exactly your age when I had my epiphany moment and realised that I needed to change my life too. I hit a real low, but it forced me to confront myself and to admit that I needed change.

For me, I started a new job in a new city. It meant new people, new opportunities, a fresh start. I stayed in my old home and commuted for a while, so that I wasn't alone in a city I didn't know, but moved after 18 months, and haven't looked back.

My old home and work were in a lovely place, but one popular with people who moved there to work and have kids. It was a very child friendly place so encouraged people who were already settled. I moved to an urban area much more mixed in its population, with lots of single people, lots of younger people - a healthier environment for a single person.

(I was also persuaded to talk to my GP, who was brilliant and didn't medicate me. He told me to find someone else who I trusted, how I felt, and told me to go back to him in a week. I wasn't sure he had done anything for me, but he gave me a limited time to do a limited task and it did really really help.)

Wishing you all the best in finding somewhere that is right for you. Don't settle for what you have got. Life is so precious, and you only live once.

Hi OP,
I’m really sorry that you’re feeling so awful. I went through similar in my mid 30s and saw my GP who prescribed antidepressants and I never took them because like you I knew I my heart of hearts I wasn’t depressed just sad and lonely.
Things that helped for me.....
I really looked after myself. That meant really concentrating on getting a decent amount of sleep, mulitivitamin, no alcohol, decent diet and exercise. I know it sounds trite but it is much easier to feel positive when you are physically not knackered etc.
I also joined a whole load of clubs.... for me I joined a running club and a walking club both of which really widened my social circle and kept me busy/dating and I also did a bit of internet dating which got me out and about and was hilarious (gave me stories to dine out on for years!) but fruitless and it’s a great fun thing to do but you need to have a thick skin and a low expectation.

I met DH through the walking club. Having been asked out by numerous people from there which I declined (my advice is definitely to be fussy and only go out with people with whom there is a real spark... I wasted a lot of time trying to make unsuitable men suitable....) I saw him and liked him and totally out of character asked him out. I was 38 and we had DS when I was 40.

I really wish you the best of luck. You sound like you are a really sorted person in all other aspects of life and you will have a lot to offer someone, but it’s not easy finding the right person and I really empathise.

Thanks for all the replies and the advice. life feels so hard at times. i just want to feel in control of my emotions and feel ok again.

This might be really shit advice but when I'm feeling down (which is extremely fucking often) I watch funny animal videos on YouTube it really makes me laugh xx

Oh you poor thing. Yes I've been there. I'm married now but I (often) regret getting married and wished I had had the courage to stay single ...

A few recommendations:

1. The book 'Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine.' It's such a beautiful read & even though it's about loneliness, it's uplifting.

1. As hard as this sounds, try to shift focus from the one ideal of marriage and kids. I'm married now but we may not have kids and we may be heading for divorce. Yet I have single friends who have no clue and that think I'm 'sorted.'

1. See a therapist. Spill, spill and spill some more. It's so good to talk & cry. A therapist may help you reframe things.

1. You say you're not depressed but maybe loneliness can cause depression? I've been extremely lonely and I've also been depressed. I agree they're different but I think they're both quite destructive to mental health & a trip to the doctor is in order. You do sound extremely low.

1. You are loved. I'm sure you are. Think of every nice thing ever said to you.

I feel for you because I've been there. The cats idea is wonderful. Animals are the most terrific way to bring a smile to a face! Xxx

thank you. i do feel down and i think it is mostly due to feeling lost. i am trying to pick myself up, it is hard. i would really like to settle down with someone and just cannot imagine it anymore, it is like the optimism has all gone.