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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you forgive this?

72 replies

sleepy18 · 18/08/2018 11:52

DH has just thrown my bowl of cereal all over me, he then threw the baby's bowl of breakfast over me too. It was over a petty argument, I didn't raise my voice at all and he just completely lost it.
It's the first time he's done something physical like that, but he does have a bad temper on him and has often flown into a verbal rage.
Could you forgive this? He did it in front of our baby. I'm worried it might be the start of something if I do forgive it. His Dad used to hit his Mum.

OP posts:
ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 18/08/2018 11:53

No, never. It will get worse.

I hope you're ok.

JackietheBackie · 18/08/2018 11:55

No, I wouldn't. The fact that after throwing one bowls of food at you, he then found another bowl as well makes it even worse. I would find it hard to feel safe with him again.

isseywithcats · 18/08/2018 11:56

no way thats appalling behaviour how old is he 5 children do stuff like this i would be sending him out the house and telling him to think about exactly what he has done

ScreamingValenta · 18/08/2018 12:01

You've mentioned that he often has verbal rages - this is an escalation of the verbal rages into physical violence. I don't think it's something to forgive and forget - the next time, he could be throwing something more dangerous than cereal at you.

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 18/08/2018 12:02

No. Completely unacceptable. The fact he did it in front of your baby is awful but like pp said after throwing one bowl of cereal, he then found another to throw, i would worry it will escalate. I hope you & your baby are ok.

MadameOvary · 18/08/2018 12:05

It's normal for him if he grew up watching his Dad hit his Mum. This alone is a massive red flag. To involve your children is unforgivable.

These incidents don't happen in isolation. The frequent demonstration of temper means he has been working up to this whether he knows it or not.

He clearly feels that on some level he is ENTITLED to do this. This is why you need to ignore any apologies (and excuses/justifications/blame etc) and focus on distancing yourself from this massive risk to yours and your LO's emotional and physical health.

bluetrampolines · 18/08/2018 12:05

Trust me. Been there done that. He's just starting to see how the land lies. Welcome to your new life.

MrsMozart · 18/08/2018 12:05

No.

Absolutely not.

Time to look at your options.

category12 · 18/08/2018 12:05

I don't think you should. He's escalating from verbal to physical.

WatchingFromTheWings · 18/08/2018 12:05

Throwing plates of food was how it started with my violent step father when I was a teenager. Went down hill pretty quickly from there, ending with him being removed by the police a couple of years later.

Bosabosa · 18/08/2018 12:07

This is unforgivable.
No excuses will cut it.
Leave him.
This will get worse and he will start hitting you (and maybe baby) if you stay.
Leave leave leave.

ovendoor · 18/08/2018 12:08

Absolutely not ok; and more than likely to escalate.

Please start getting your ducks in a row.

Good luck

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 18/08/2018 12:12

Gosh

I'm very sorry for you OP and hope you are ok. Essentially he has just assaulted you, even though it wasn't a punch or a slap.

I would be worried about his normalising this from his DV background as how couples behave or "it wasn't that bad because I didn't hit you"

Watch out for minimising along the lines of

"It was just..."
"I didn't touch you"
"If you hadn't..."

I hope you have someone you can go to today. He needs help.

Original poster
sleepy18 · 18/08/2018 12:13

Thanks, he's making out I'm being dramatic so needed to hear it from someone else.
I tried taking the baby out in the pram straight after to let things cool off as I was quite scared, and he snatched her off me and wouldn't give her back. We are meant to be going to his Cousin's tonight and he is saying that he is going to take the baby and go without me. I don't have a driving license or have any family near so not sure what to do.

OP posts:
ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 18/08/2018 12:14

My Dad has a ferocious temper and I remember him doing a similar thing to my Mum as a kid. He had already had a nervous breakdown and been in therapy but that was the catalyst for my Mum insisting he get help for his temper as she said their marriage couldn’t survive this sort of nonsense.

He had therapy long term and it was brilliant for him. He grew up in care and had been carrying a lot around for his whole life but being a typical man had buried all the anger and self loathing and never addressed the root causes. He was able through therapy to talk openly about his MH issues and apologise to us for his outbursts.

He still has a fiery temper at times but has strategies for controlling it. He and my Mum have a genuinely happy marriage and I’m glad she gave him that ultimatum so that he got help.

Perhaps your husband could benefit from getting similar help.

bastardkitty · 18/08/2018 12:18

So as well as throwing cereal all over you, he's now gaslighting you and saying you're overreacting? It's time to end it. He's not taking the baby anywhere. Get out of there with baby and call police on 101.

AnyFucker · 18/08/2018 12:25

No never

There is something specifically contemptuous about throwing food over someone, aside from the physical abuse aspect of course

Also, with holdng your baby is abusive

Calling the police is more appropriste than playing Happy Families with this loser

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 18/08/2018 12:25

I second calling the police.

TheVanguardSix · 18/08/2018 12:34

No.
That’s ‘Hello crazy’ behaviour.

I did something similar one time years ago when I was 24. I’m 46 now and have never behaved so abhorrently since. I cringe when I think about it. I hated living with the boyfriend I did it to and I believe I really, really disliked him at that point. It was a crazy, aggressive, beginning-of-the-end antic. I broke up with him shortly afterwards because I couldn’t deny how angry I was with him all of the time.
Years later, I didn’t even act out such anger and disrespect towards exH when we were heading towards divorce! It’s such an aggressive and disrespectful statement.

Respect is gone. How do you come back from that?

category12 · 18/08/2018 12:34

Could family come and get you? Do you have access to money?

Are you quite isolated?

TheVanguardSix · 18/08/2018 12:36

Police.

TheVanguardSix · 18/08/2018 12:37

Unless you can get the baby and leave the house, which it sounds like you can’t. Flowers

Floralnomad · 18/08/2018 12:39

As he won’t let you leave with the baby I think I’d be tempted to call the police and tell them he assaulted you .

Aprilshowersinaugust · 18/08/2018 12:43

Ltb before ss /police are regulars to your door.
My neighbours have lived this for 30 YEARS!!
Usually me ringing police - once due to their ds standing on a train bridge.
Don't let that be your ds in the future.
You both deserve more.
Confide in family and get picked up today.. Report him to the police once you are safe.

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 18/08/2018 12:59

I also think this is a police matter if he intends to leave with your child against your will

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