I told my ex I was raped in the past. Does this reaction seem normal?

[Username40]

I must first start off by saying I am an alcoholic. My boyfriend left me 2 months ago as he says he was sick of the relapses and the lies. However, I should add that he was not at all a great boyfriend but I do love him- he was emotionally abusive and out of the house most of the time due to his training schedule. I always felt lonely and neglected. I wrote the following to him this evening and I have put his response. I don't know how to react. Any thoughts?

Me: I do not want you to tell this to anyone, not even your mum, but I thought I would just say to you that although there is never any real excuse, people often have an addiction for a reason. I think it can sometimes be to blot things out. At least, that's what it is for me.

When I was in [a foreign country in a particular year] I was raped. I was 21 at the time and it is because I got drunk on a night out, put myself in danger and wasn't able to defend myself. I blamed myself at the time and I still do now to a certain extent. I was really stupid and made myself very vulnerable. It was by a complete stranger and was when I got off the train in a drunken stupor and was walking home alone. I didn't report it and just blocked it out for years but then I started to have flashbacks and they made me feel worthless. I'm talking it through with my counsellor but just wanted you to know (which I hope you already do) that I'm not a horrible person and that I really want to give the drinking up for good. I just need to learn how to cope with things normally again.

Apart from my counsellor you are the only person I have ever told this to so I would really appreciate if you could keep it to yourself.

His response was this: I won’t say a word to anyone. Thanks for sharing and I know you’re not a horrible person.

He is the only person I have ever told and I feel very let down. I haven't even told my family. I feel like he maybe thinks it was my fault.

@TemptressofWaikiki I've read through your response and I have to be honest and agree with you. I was looking for more from him as if not, I should have confided in somebody else in rl about this and certainly not him. I can see your point about it being emotionally manipulative but I suppose there's nothing I can really do now as sending him an apology would makes things even worse. I'm feeling really regretful about telling him now as it was t just for closure or for him to say I'm not a bad person. I was looking him to show he cared for me but couldn't have chosen a worse way to go about it.

I wasn't checked out after the rape but i went and got the morning after pill. This was 15 years ago so I know I'm physically if not mentally fine.

I think his response was reasonable and you need to close the door on that relationship. Focus all of your energy on yourself.

You will learn to be your own knight-in-shining armour. You've already come through so much. Wishing you well.

It's a very difficult thing to respond to.

I think his response is fine. He may have spent ages writing and rewriting to come up with that. I would have.

It was fine to tell him- I think sometimes we want to be understood. Don't feel bad about it.

Tell someone who can really support you properly.

I think I will confide in my sister although she will be shocked and possibly angry that I've never told her before. I can't tell my mum as she was sexually abused during her childhood and hearing this would destroy her.

Thank you for your kind words @picklemepopcorn. I still feel foolish for telling him but will have to get over it and try to move on.

OP, don’t beat yourself up over it now. What is done is done. I am sure many people have sent far more cringetastic messages to their exes! Dust yourself down and focus on what you can control. Your own emotional responses. Actually, I think it was ok to message him like you did because it does help to set the record straight and might help you as a form of closure too, even if not right away. He doesn’t know your motives for that message. For all you know, he might find it a relief to hear your underlying reasons for drinking and helped him understand you, even in retrospect and respect you more for it. But his approval is not really relevant anymore, as you can’t rely on him for filling that emotional void. Hopefully, with ongoing counselling, you can find some way to cope without numbing yourself with alcohol.

Hi Username40,

We can see you're receiving some really good advice and support on this thread from fellow Mumsnetters, but we thought it might be useful for us to post a few links to external organisations that could offer you help in real life too.

Please take a look at the Rape Crisis website - here - they provide a confidential helpline service for women and girls who have experienced any form of sexual violence at any time in their lives. Their helpline number is 0808 802 9999 and it's open daily from 12:00 – 14:30 & 19:00 – 21:30.

Victim Support is another organisation which can provide help - their website says: "We’re here to help anyone affected by crime, not only those who experience it directly, but also their friends, family and any other people involved. It doesn’t matter when the crime took place – you can get our support at any time, and for however long you need us." VS supports people whether or not they've reported the crime to the police. Here's a link to the Victim Support website. Please do take a look.

If you're feeling very low, you can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Their free helpline is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year - 116 123.

Sorry you're going through such a tough time. Sending good wishes.

He wasn’t a great ex. He emotionally abused you and dumped you via FB. I know it’s difficult to understand that right at the moment but eventually you will and you will also thank him for ending things. It wasn’t a healthy relationship and was undoubtedly bad for your recovery process.

I am very glad you are working with a counsellor and I wish you all the best for the future .

Thank you everyone and thank you to Mumsnet for providing the links for additional report. If only I could go back a couple of days and never send that email to him but what's done is done.

I will get over it and move on. I have to and my main priority has to be on staying sober.