I told my ex I was raped in the past. Does this reaction seem normal?

[Username40]

I must first start off by saying I am an alcoholic. My boyfriend left me 2 months ago as he says he was sick of the relapses and the lies. However, I should add that he was not at all a great boyfriend but I do love him- he was emotionally abusive and out of the house most of the time due to his training schedule. I always felt lonely and neglected. I wrote the following to him this evening and I have put his response. I don't know how to react. Any thoughts?

Me: I do not want you to tell this to anyone, not even your mum, but I thought I would just say to you that although there is never any real excuse, people often have an addiction for a reason. I think it can sometimes be to blot things out. At least, that's what it is for me.

When I was in [a foreign country in a particular year] I was raped. I was 21 at the time and it is because I got drunk on a night out, put myself in danger and wasn't able to defend myself. I blamed myself at the time and I still do now to a certain extent. I was really stupid and made myself very vulnerable. It was by a complete stranger and was when I got off the train in a drunken stupor and was walking home alone. I didn't report it and just blocked it out for years but then I started to have flashbacks and they made me feel worthless. I'm talking it through with my counsellor but just wanted you to know (which I hope you already do) that I'm not a horrible person and that I really want to give the drinking up for good. I just need to learn how to cope with things normally again.

Apart from my counsellor you are the only person I have ever told this to so I would really appreciate if you could keep it to yourself.

His response was this: I won’t say a word to anyone. Thanks for sharing and I know you’re not a horrible person.

He is the only person I have ever told and I feel very let down. I haven't even told my family. I feel like he maybe thinks it was my fault.

As others have said, it's a reasonable response and I agree he appears to be trying to be decent and not give you false hope.

Just to add another perspective, you don't know what his own life experiences have been that maybe relavent to what you told him.

I once had a bf who actually during the conversation when we were ending our relationship told me something similar about a horrific criminal act he had been a victim of.

I found it extremely traumatic to hear this and process it and it was made worse as it had not been revealed during our relationship at all - so I was left with this new information in circumstances where I couldn't discuss it with him or why he'd never mentioned it as our relationship was over.

I probably haven't explained myself very well but I suppose what I'm trying to say is that receiving this kind of information can be traumatic for the recipient as well and it can also be difficult knowing what is the appropriate thing to say or how to react - particularly if you know someone made a decision not to tell you when you were in the relationship and were closer than you were when they tell you.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP and wish you all the best with your counselling and working towards recovery.

A man with a good job and career isn't going to have as much time for you as you would like by the sound of it. Perhaps you need to accept that and develop some friends who can fill in the gaps.

I think you need to move past this and get some support to help you cope with the trauma of being raped. It wasn't your fault. Rape is always the rapist's fault, it really is that simple.

But your recovery from addiction is and will remain fragile while you still have this trauma impacting you. You owe it to yourself to give yourself the best chance of healing and becoming a happy, independent person before you embark on another relationship. I imagine the support you have had for your addiction will have taught you a lot, but you do need specialist counselling for your trauma to complete the picture.

I wish you well.

You’ve had a terrible time.

Don’t be harsh on yourself. You are getting stronger all the time.

He is not the guy for you - it’s not a reflection on you, love, everyone has made themselves vulnerable to the wrong people sometimes.

Treat yourself with some kindness please.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you, I think his response like others have said was kind and certainly not blaming you but like others said he probably doesn't want to give you false hope of reconciling either.

Thanks so much everyone for the kind comments. I realise now that it was silly and selfish of me to tell him about what happened to me. I don't know what I was hoping to achieve. Maybe I was hoping that as someone said he would be my Knight in shining armour but realistically why would he be-he is my ex and is trying to move on.

I am getting help with my addiction. At the moment I am putting together a lot of sober days although I know that realistically I can't drink at all anymore. It is slowly destroying my life. I am going to counselling and in a few weeks, will be getting medication to deal with the cravings.

I’m so sorry for your rape. You did not deserve it. It wasn’t your fault. It was a terrible crime committed against you. You are the victim in that crime, not the co-perpetrator. Please feel free to open up to your counsellor about that, tbh if it’s for alcoholism they won’t be surprised at what comes out.

In my sadly extensive experience, alcoholics are often in denial about how much their alcoholism itself negatively affects those close to them. Because they can’t bear to comprehend the extent of the problem, because they find the prospect of admitting their emotional crutch and best friend is the actual problem, because of lots of complex reasons. The truth is that emotionally and practically, being closely involved with an alcoholic is phenomenally difficult and depressing, emotionally draining and breeds deep resentment. That’s what destroys relationships.

The most important thing that you can do for yourself, your life, your happiness and your future and existing relationships (friends, family, lovers) is to get sober. Tackle it every way you can. AA can provide a network and a sober social life and interaction with those who understand you. Your GP should be able to help if you need more support, or referral to detox, or even some of the new drugs to treat the desire/ability to consume alcohol. The unexpected joy of being sober is a great read.

I really feel for you, dear OP. You deserve so much more than this life you are living, but only you can enact the change to make it better. Sobriety will be your friend. Sending you peace and happiness.

I think you need to start accepting the relationship is over and start to focus on yourself/sobriety.

Oh, massive cross post. Congrats OP, sounds like you’re doing brilliantly. Don’t think about not drinking forever. Just think about a day at a time. I really recommend that book btw.

I have just ordered that book. Many thanks. I am also going to ring AA and get somebody to meet me outside for a local meeting. This time I really want to and need to quit for my own sanity.

Good luck with kicking the alcohol addiction, op x

Did you tell him you were blind drunk on the night you were raped. He might see that as you not really remembering much about it.
But I would think about fixing yourself and forget about support and love from others right now, you are mKing great strides. I’m sure you can get yourself sorted OP. Well done with what you’ve achieved.

Op, all your posts reveal you to be thoughtful, considered, open, smart and kind. You can do this. Let yourself recover and be happy.

I'll quote something I read once about rape (wish I could remember the source but I can't);

"There is one, single definitive thing that causes a rape to happen; and that is the presence of a rapist".

You could be vulnerable in any way, drunk, whatever but the only thing that causes you to be raped is the presence of someone who has decided they are ok with raping someone else.

A decent person would help someone vulnert or at the very least not exploit/attack them.

I am an alcoholic too. All alcoholics - most people, to be fair - have had traumatic experiences. If you have a booze problem you may have experiences that happened while drunk. None of these are reasons or excuses for our alcoholism. You need to separate the two. You are not an alcoholic because of the rape.

The text you have written for us saying that this was what you sent to your ex partners states that you said to him that you don't want him to think you are a horrible person. He has replied saying he doesn't think you are a horrible person.

I don't see any blame here - he has responded to a statement you put to him first.

So sorry for all you've gone through OP.
To add to what everyone else has said - the rape was not your fault. Doesn't matter whether you'd been drinking or what route you walked. You were not to blame.

Booze does dull pain in the short term, but it hurts more than it heals long term. Don't let the drink steal any more of your life. Good luck kicking it. You sound strong and while there may be set backs, I wish you all the luck there is.

Oh and your ex's response seems fine. He however doesn't sound great.

Don't take blame for what happened; you had a crime committed against you, you may have been more vulnerable to bring s victim of that crime because of alcohol problem s but the bottom line is that you had a serious and traumatising crime committed against you. In the circumstances it sounds like you can't try to prosecute the criminal so all you can do is try to deal with the trauma.

You say your ex was emotionally abusive, you also mentioned he ended the relationship in a shitty, underhand way - it's not worth pursuing further. You need a really good partner and he may not be a terrible person but he doesn't sound like one.

In fact you probably don't need a partner at all at this time, it's more important for you to try to solve your alcohol problems and depression (?) And be happy in yourself before worrying about relationship s - which can be difficult and stressful enough on their own

I know this is ridiculous but I'm worried he will think I've made it up to try and get him back or something. Or that he is thinking that I was to blame for getting myself into a state and walking home alone. At the same time, I suppose it ultimately doesn't matter what he thinks. I'm now terrified as well that he'll tell somebody as I've lived with the guilt and shame of this for years.

I need to calm down as planning on remaining sober now and need to focus all the strength I have left towards that.

He really was not a good boyfriend and I'm sure that a few months down the line and sober, I will see that even more clearly. For about the past year it seems that he has been constantly criticising a host of small things I do in a bid to undermine my confidence and self-esteem. He also gaslighted me and denied saying things which I 100% know he had said.

OP, I am so sorry for your ordeal. You are absolutely not to blame for what someone did to you. It doesn’t matter if you were drunk at the time or what route you took. A lot of people with addictions mask some pain or underlying cause. However, it is still you who has to tackle your addiction and not down to anyone else, especially not an ex-partner. His response was appropriate and reasonable. You really cannot expect more from an ex-partner. I also think you need to be a bit more honest with yourself about your motive for sending him this text. If it was to let him know why you are drinking and to get some closure that he does not see you as a bad person, then you got a fitting reply. I do think though that you actually wanted more than that and this text is a bit emotionally blackmailing. What is he supposed to do with this information? A partner cannot fill an emotional void or heal you. None of us know the full story or dynamics of your relationship. But I do know from some experience that addicts sometimes have this bottomless need that is all consuming and exhausting for others. I walked away too for self-preservation in the past. Maybe that could be described as me being callous. He owes you nothing though. I am wary about addicts in recovery or those trying to quit and how they see their relationships. It can be very skewered. Perhaps a few months down the line if you are fully sober, you can also be more objective of your own behaviour. Being with an alcoholic can be really tough.

He replied- he didn’t need to. His reply was kind too.

Were you fully checked out after the rape?

I think it was actually quite a kind responce. He says he knows you're not a bad person.

Good luck in your recovery. As someone with addiction issues I think it's important to deal with mental health issues but also separate the physical dependancy and the physiological need screaming for the substance. Unfortunately even with counselling this is a daily battle. Day at a time op.

Just seen your last posts. It's great you're determined to keep strong. As he was gaslighting you, I can understand the need to explain and justify yourself. This is the perfect time to start no contact and not continue overplaying his reactions to you. Good luck