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Original poster

I told my ex I was raped in the past. Does this reaction seem normal?

84 replies

Username40 · 16/08/2018 20:11

I must first start off by saying I am an alcoholic. My boyfriend left me 2 months ago as he says he was sick of the relapses and the lies. However, I should add that he was not at all a great boyfriend but I do love him- he was emotionally abusive and out of the house most of the time due to his training schedule. I always felt lonely and neglected. I wrote the following to him this evening and I have put his response. I don't know how to react. Any thoughts?

Me: I do not want you to tell this to anyone, not even your mum, but I thought I would just say to you that although there is never any real excuse, people often have an addiction for a reason. I think it can sometimes be to blot things out. At least, that's what it is for me.

When I was in [a foreign country in a particular year] I was raped. I was 21 at the time and it is because I got drunk on a night out, put myself in danger and wasn't able to defend myself. I blamed myself at the time and I still do now to a certain extent. I was really stupid and made myself very vulnerable. It was by a complete stranger and was when I got off the train in a drunken stupor and was walking home alone. I didn't report it and just blocked it out for years but then I started to have flashbacks and they made me feel worthless. I'm talking it through with my counsellor but just wanted you to know (which I hope you already do) that I'm not a horrible person and that I really want to give the drinking up for good. I just need to learn how to cope with things normally again.

Apart from my counsellor you are the only person I have ever told this to so I would really appreciate if you could keep it to yourself.

His response was this: I won’t say a word to anyone. Thanks for sharing and I know you’re not a horrible person.

He is the only person I have ever told and I feel very let down. I haven't even told my family. I feel like he maybe thinks it was my fault.Sad

OP posts:
anniefin · 16/08/2018 20:24

Honestly, I think you need to come to terms with all that's happened in your own head before getting anyone else involved. If that involves counselling that so be it but you cannot tell an ex bf what happened in your past and expect him to change his mind regarding a relationship

Thatsfuckingshit · 16/08/2018 20:28

This is going to sound awful.

I am trying to think how to sort it, without sounding like I am being harsh.

But the reason you are an alcoholic doesn't really matter and doesnt make it any easier for other people to deal with your relapses etc.

It also doesn't mean you are more likely to be able to move past the addiction through counselling.

Can you explain, what you expected his response to be? And why you felt he was the one you should share this with. Given that you say he was abusive?

Original poster
Username40 · 16/08/2018 20:30

I feel really awful. I hoped he loved me the way I love him but I suppose that was never the case. Maybe I was looking for sympathy as somebody suggested but above all I just wanted to know if he had ever cared for me. He is my ex but when he left we were supposed to be on a break and a month in, he dumped me via Facebook Messenger. I really don't have any self-respect left.

OP posts:
sunshinelollipopsrainbows · 16/08/2018 20:34

Please don't see this as a reflection on yourself or how he felt about you. 1- he is a man. If I told my ex this, even though we are friends, I woudnt have a much different response. He would shit himself not knowing what to say and wonder why I told him now of all times.

Original poster
Username40 · 16/08/2018 20:36

I just want to crawl under a rock now. I realise I was stupid to tell him.

OP posts:
Thatsfuckingshit · 16/08/2018 20:36

He may have really loved you.

That doesn't mean he must stay in your life be your support and your partner. Your alcoholism pushes people away. I am not saying he is perfect, you clearly say he wasn't. But sometimes we walk away from people we care about because it's the best thing for us. Being with an alcholic is draining, get Your self sorted and you will find a healthy relationship.

Telling him about your past was not going start a conversation where you got back together.

Thingsdogetbetter · 16/08/2018 20:39

Abusive people can't love in the same way we define love. To expect that is to delude yourself. Your past would not make a difference to his lack of ability to love. That's all him. Your past and drinking made you vulnerable and dependent on him and made him your focus. He used that. You need to step away from seeing him as your knight in shining armour. He wasn't going to save you. You need to woman up and save yourself. It is possible! YOU can make this happen.

Please use this time to start moving forward with your life. Work on your counselling and not drinking. Join support groups to see you are not alone. Start learning to love yourself and your self respect will return. Your past does not define your future.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 16/08/2018 20:41

The “I know you’re not a horrible person” means he understands that your behaviour/ addictions are a result of trauma, imo.
Unfortunately it’s fair enough that he still feels unable to deal with your issues, even though he can now sympathise with their origin.

dudsville · 16/08/2018 20:44

It reads like a fine reaction to an outsider. So, more importantly, why did you tell him and what response would you have preferred?

Original poster
Username40 · 16/08/2018 20:45

I tried to kill myself a couple of weeks ago except my sister came round and intervened. I should have told her what happened and not him but I just want him to love me like he said he did a few months ago.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 16/08/2018 20:49

Oh love. He isn’t the answer. You’ve had an awful time and are reaching out for love and reassurance and kindness, understandably, but in absolutely the wrong direction.

All you can do is pursue self-healing, counselling/therapy, support groups for victims of sexual assault....any trusted friends...not him.

This is your journey. You are valuable and worthy of love. Let him go, focus your love on healing yourself.

Flowers
Sweetsongbird1 · 16/08/2018 20:51

@user Flowers you need proper help love. Your still self harming choosing men that are not good for you. I’m not surprised by his reaction, he is an arsehole but I feel it was a bit manipulative on your point as I thinking you thought he was going to come round and look after you? I don’t mean to be horrible, I really don’t.

Have you had hrlpnsitt your addiction and councilling for the rape?

Original poster
Username40 · 16/08/2018 20:55

Thanks so much for the kind comments. I've had help for the drinking but never for the rape. I suppose I thought it never really counted as I was to blame and brought it on myself. He was very kind at the start but from about 3 months in he started to show his true colours. I feel so foolish telling him my deepest secret. I suppose I was secretly hoping for his support and love.

OP posts:
Thatsfuckingshit · 16/08/2018 20:56

I want to start by saying, I believe you. I completely believe you.

But my experience of alcoholics is that they are manipulative. They will excuse their drinking in anyway possible and use past trauma to justify their actions.

If he feels you have been manipulative in the past, he may not know how to respond because he may be picking up that you told him in order to get him back. H4nce the neutral response.

He is not where you should be looking for support. You need professional help. I wish you well and hope you learn to live without drinking and deal with your trauma.

Herja · 16/08/2018 20:59

Worst response I ever got to saying I'd been raped was "you should have told him no, tapped out. I suppose I've technically raped someone" , so it could always be worse.

OP, you were telling him this to try and gauge if he'd ever really cared about you? It seems more like you were telling him so he'd hold you safe, look after you and be with you again. If I were him that's what I'd think anyway, so I'd try to give a noncommittal answer to not build your hopes up.

Look after yourself, it sounds like you've hade a bit of a shit ride in life for a while. Don't take this as blame on yourself, it doesn't seem like that's what's being said at all; you are not, and never have been, to blame for the attack against you.

Original poster
Username40 · 16/08/2018 21:03

@Herja that's dreadful. Did somebody actually say that to you? Unbelievable! I suppose I knew deep down I was never going to get a satisfactory response from him but hoped for it nonetheless.

OP posts:
Bestseller · 16/08/2018 21:04

I think his response is about as decent as it could be. He's reacted in a far more supportive way than I would have Blush In his shoes I'd probably be hurt that you didn't tell me sooner and also think you were trying to manipulate me by telling me now the relationship is over. I'm not saying you are but I think it could come across that way, so he's done well.

A terrible thing happened to you and you need proper care and support but an ex who (I'd guess) has put up with quite a bit because of your alcoholism isn't the person to "fix" you. Please get some professional help. Good luck OP

museumum · 16/08/2018 21:05

OP do tell your sister.

AnyFucker · 16/08/2018 21:11

I am sorry. I believe you.

You are looking for support and validation from the wrong place. He is being totally non committal and so he should be.

Move on from him and seek your help from elsewhere.

RedPanda2 · 16/08/2018 22:27

OPA the rape is not your fault. Rape is caused by rapists.
Please tell your sister or friends about your trauma, you need and deserve help. You deserve to to be loved and to love yourself.

NadiaLeon · 16/08/2018 22:36

Be strong OP. Your alcoholism is not because of being raped, and I think he knows that. Time to heal yourself, stay sober and move on.

Jelly67 · 16/08/2018 22:53

I'm so sorry to hear about the rape. It was NOT your fault. It shouldn't matter how drunk/alone/vunerable you were. We've all got ourselves in situations like that. Some sicko decided he was going to do that regardless of anything you did and he's the only person that should ever feel shame about it, not you.

Separately until you can work on the alcoholism and your own self esteem I honestly think you're better off not being in any relationship. Can you talk to your sister now about it? It might feel like a massive weight off your shoulders to tell her.

FuckingHateRain · 16/08/2018 23:00

No advice OP, just a hand hold and a virtual hug Flowers

emsiboob · 16/08/2018 23:09

It was not your fault, don't let this define the rest of your life. Who's won then? Come you can beat this.

Doingreat · 16/08/2018 23:13

Oh op. So sorry to hear you're going through this. So sorry about the rape. You told him because you love him and wanted him to show care and affection towards you. He hasn't done that and it's made you feel worse. It's done now. Don't regret telling him because now you have been able to open up about it you can tell your family and start getting some real life support from those who love you unconditionally and will always be there for you. There is support available for you to help deal with the rape and the addiction.

I know this sounds crazy but I wish I could send you the love to heal that you wanted from your ex.

Sending you strength and hugs xx