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Original poster

How to handle a disappearing reappearing man?

59 replies

NoraJonesss · 16/08/2018 08:07

Here I am back with a depressing update.

I thought things were going great with New Man of 2 months. Went out on a fantastic date last Friday, I genuinely thought we were both really into each other and yada yada.

Think again Shock

Haven't heard from him since Saturday morning. Nothing. No calls, no texts, no nothing. To be fair I did not reach out either, as after our date I felt a bit exposed and wanted to gauge if his interest was still there. In the past he tended to initiate contact more often than me, but lately it had been 50/50. So he reappeared this morning, when he texted me a breezy "how has your week been and what are your plans for the weekend".

Wtf?! How am I even supposed to handle such a treatment? Should I meet him and talk to him and explain why this is not acceptable ? Is it even worth doing that? Or just ignore his text and disappear myself? What is the etiquette in these situations?

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 16/08/2018 08:12

When you say no text since sat morning does that mean he did actually text after the date? Did you hear from him sat morning?

Shoxfordian · 16/08/2018 08:13

Do you expect him to text you every day? It's only been 2 months. I'm not sure why you're upset tbh but if he has behaved in a flaky way before then just sack him and find a new one.

Singlenotsingle · 16/08/2018 08:18

It's early days, maybe he just wants to take it slowly, no pressure? Maybe you should just say you've got plans for the weekend, and see how he takes it? Maybe he's just not into you? Calm down, cool it.

namechange2pointoh · 16/08/2018 08:20

Sounds like he wants a shag at the weekend to me.

ConkerTriumphant · 16/08/2018 08:22

I don’t think you can call him a disappearing reappearing man when you heard from him five days ago! 😂

ShatnersWig · 16/08/2018 08:25

In the past he tended to initiate contact more often than me, but lately it had been 50/50

So he was always more communicative, you stepped up a bit, he stepped back a bit and you.... just didn't bother communicating either.

Hmmm. Not really sure you can have a go at him for disappearing and reappearing if you disappeared too!

Original poster
NoraJonesss · 16/08/2018 08:25

So people think that his behavior is totally normal/ acceptable? I am open to being told IABU of course, if that is the case. Until this week we have always been in regular touch, mostly daily or every other day.

OP posts:
Jinglebells99 · 16/08/2018 08:26

If you went on a fantastic date on Friday, why didn’t you text him? I can’t see he’s done anything wrong if you didn’t text either? Did you spend the night with him or did you hear from him on Saturday? I think you are overthinking it and don’t know why it has to be so hard. If you want to hear from him, text him!

RainySeptember · 16/08/2018 08:27

It wouldn't bother me to not hear anything for four days tbh. I myself would be irritated if I was expected to text every day. It would bother me if he wasn't replying to texts, but not that he wasn't initiating them. Surely he could say the same thing about you?

IME the contact does drop off after the first few weeks, it isn't sustainable. But everyone is different, if it doesn't suit you, move on. I would tell him why though, I do believe you should treat other people how you'd like to be treated.

WhyDelilah18 · 16/08/2018 08:28

I would have said ‘he’s not keen, leave it’ but recent experience with a bloke has shown me that in terms of contact you really can read too much into things. I used to get contacted all the time but turned out he was just addicted to his phone and messaging loads of people all the time. Next bloke never messages first but always responds after a while and when irl is very keen. He’s just not a phone person.

Your guy could have been waiting for you to message first anyway for the same reason?

Matilda1981 · 16/08/2018 08:29

Errr - it works both ways - he’s probably wondering why you haven’t text him?

Bezm · 16/08/2018 08:32

It sounds like he's happy to have dates with you but maybe not to start a serious relationship. Text him to arrange your next date. Something along the lines of how do you fancy going out for a bit to eat on Sunday?
Take it from there. If he says yes, at some point during the meal just ask him, so where do you see this going?

Porpoises · 16/08/2018 08:34

What made you feel vulnerable? Would he reasonably have been aware you were feeling that way?

If he's ignoring your messages, then dump him. But if neither of you messaged, why is he to blame?

Maybe he doesn't have an old fashioned sexist belief that even after two months the man should do more of the chasing. If you do have that belief, at least tell him so that he has a chance to meet your expectations!

starryeyed19 · 16/08/2018 08:35

It's very easy to drive yourself crazy with the whole how long and who messages first. If I were you, I would ask myself

  1. Do I want to hear from him?
  2. Do I want to see him?

And proceed accordingly. If you want to hear from him, text him. And give him a chance to respond. If you want to see him, get in touch and fix a date. Just ask him. If he doesn't respond, you have your answer. But at least you won't be waiting around, wondering.

MyOtherProfile · 16/08/2018 08:39

We can't really tell much as we don't give enough info. Did he message you after the date Sat morning?

dancemom · 16/08/2018 08:39

But you didn't message him either??

MyOtherProfile · 16/08/2018 08:40

Have not give

Givemestrengthwtaf · 16/08/2018 08:42

I'm sorry but I'm with OP on this. If you haven't heard anything from him for nearly a week I would say he isn't that interested. I don't care how early it is of course you speak everyday when you first start dating someone, you look forward to hearing from them. I would cut my losses and run.

Original poster
NoraJonesss · 16/08/2018 08:45

So no one messaged the other after the date. It must have been our 12/13 date, had dinner, then drinks, then slept at his (not the first time we DTD).

He was really affectionate and sweet, lots of cuddles before and after sex, lots of talking about things to do together in the fall. He remembered all kinds of small details about my life and things I like (for example I told him a few weeks ago I really like Cello music and he played it as soon as we got to his place).

I am genuinely a bit Shock

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 16/08/2018 08:46

@Givemestrengthwtaf That works both ways, though, surely? He's not heard from her, so maybe he's cut his losses and run? And as for saying I don't care how early it is of course you speak everyday when you first start dating someone that's clearly not the case either because he was far more communicative than the OP was to begin with and she hasn't bothered of late.

I think the OP should move on, but to have a go at the bloke for not contacting her for a few days is pretty hypocritical.

goldiehawn1 · 16/08/2018 08:47

I'm afraid I'd have to agree also with OP. If a bloke is keen he will text and he won't wait about. It sounds like this one is looking for his weekend shag arrangements. Harsh but probably true. Sorry OP.

reallyshouldnamechangemore · 16/08/2018 08:47

Sounds fine to me. Maybe I have low expectations! Similar to how often me and DP contacted each other in the early days.

eightfacesofthemoon · 16/08/2018 09:03

Just perhaps he thought you had done the same and just bit the bullet and got the courage to text you finally.
But I always see the good in people and it hasn’t served me well.
I would probably give one more chance

eightfacesofthemoon · 16/08/2018 09:04

But only one! And do something in the day and say you’re meeting friends in the eve. So no dtd

eightfacesofthemoon · 16/08/2018 09:07

And I would probably say in a lighthearted way...
“I was surprised I didn’t hear from you after I stayed over!! But this dating game is such a minefield when you don’t really know someone!”
If he makes up some bullshit answer of being really busy etc etc. Then that’s not positive
If he says something like, god I felt the same! Then it’s more crossed wires.

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