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Original poster

How to handle a disappearing reappearing man?

59 replies

NoraJonesss · 16/08/2018 08:07

Here I am back with a depressing update.

I thought things were going great with New Man of 2 months. Went out on a fantastic date last Friday, I genuinely thought we were both really into each other and yada yada.

Think again Shock

Haven't heard from him since Saturday morning. Nothing. No calls, no texts, no nothing. To be fair I did not reach out either, as after our date I felt a bit exposed and wanted to gauge if his interest was still there. In the past he tended to initiate contact more often than me, but lately it had been 50/50. So he reappeared this morning, when he texted me a breezy "how has your week been and what are your plans for the weekend".

Wtf?! How am I even supposed to handle such a treatment? Should I meet him and talk to him and explain why this is not acceptable ? Is it even worth doing that? Or just ignore his text and disappear myself? What is the etiquette in these situations?

OP posts:
HyggeHeart · 16/08/2018 09:11

He sounds lovely and thoughtful and into you. You could have texted too. maybe he felt he'd put himself out there and wanted to see if you were as into him, so waited for you to text but finally caved! quit the game playing and second guessing and if you want to hear from him text him. If you want to date him then do!

MyOtherProfile · 16/08/2018 09:14

He sounds keen to me. I'd arrange to meet him for some part of the weekend and bring up the subject of contact and what works for you. He will probably be genuinely surprised or may even wonder why you didn't contact him if you wanted to hear from him. It's not a game so just speak to him.

Smellbellina · 16/08/2018 09:15

Why do you have different rules for yourself than you do for him? You sound like a bit of a game player yourself tbh

MinaPaws · 16/08/2018 09:29

Impossible to know if he's playing it cool because you are, or playing it cool because he wants to keep things casual so as soon as they hot up or seem to be shifting towards emotional closeness, he backs away until they've cooled down.

I'd text him back. Tell him you are doing something fun this weekend (theatre/gig/party/sailing/cycling/tennis - whatever, but not mooching waiting for a call. And ask if he'd like to join you. If he's ambivalent and doesn't say why, I'd cool it. He's not keen enough.

Is it very outdated of me (I'm in my fifties) to be mystified why people sleep together before they are emotionally close to someone, if what they want is emotional closeness? Fine if you just want a one night stand. But if you're after a proper relationship, it seems women feel vulnerable and exposed having had sex because to us that's a stage towards being more serious about someone, and to them it isn't always. Or have women's attitudes to sex completely changed?

Porpoises · 16/08/2018 09:34

Agree with smellbellina. Stop playing games and start actually communicating.

Musti · 16/08/2018 14:16

I think it's worth replying and seeing him again. It's hard to tell one way or the other.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/08/2018 14:35

Easy reply.
Week has been OK thanks. Just the usual drudgery.
I'm busy this weekend. Lots of plans with friends and family.
Had a great time last Friday.
I am free next 'friday/saturday' (omit as necessary) if you fancy meeting again.
Let me know and I'll book you in before anything else comes up.

AngelicDarkness · 16/08/2018 14:39
JustBeReasonable · 16/08/2018 14:39

Genuinely puzzled as to why you say it’s not acceptable from him, when in fact you haven’t contacted him and he has been the first to ‘break the silence’? I thought now we’re in the 21st century we’re not meek little virgins waiting to be chased and fought for by men... Hmm

AngelicDarkness · 16/08/2018 14:40

Reading and running but that video is my go too

dirtybadger · 16/08/2018 14:43

If you/people think he can't be that interested because he didn't contact you for 4 days...
Then you can't be either, surely? You didn't contact him at all
Very confusing. He has no idea what you're thinking. If you haven't been as keen as him (contacting him either less or equally) he may he playing it a bit slow and cool because that's the message you are inadvertently giving...that you aren't that invested.

dirtybadger · 16/08/2018 14:46

Of course maybe he isn't that into you, but as you don't sound super into him either I think its pretty low risk to just ask him directly what he is after and go from there. If he wants more then start contacting him more, set a precedent. If he stops initiating or responding, then you know.

NynaeveSedai · 16/08/2018 14:46

He might be losing interest or really busy or something.
Telling him why it's not acceptable isn't a good idea though! Why don't you respond and arrange a date this weekend? If all seems well then it might be time to accept that phone contact is dropping off (normal) whereas if he cancels or is weird with you then you can assume he's going Cold and act accordingly.

TeeJay1970 · 16/08/2018 14:58

My advice to him would be RUN and keep RUNNING!!!

Clutterbugsmum · 16/08/2018 15:30

If you had 12/13 dates why didn't you contact him.

Perhaps he thinks you don't want to see him.

ChristmasFluff · 16/08/2018 16:49

I'm going to go against the grain and say it's a bit odd that you have been on 12/13 dates and are shagging, yet aren't arranging the next meeting at the time you are there in person? You know, in the morning when he's being all 'sweet' - 'so do you want to do something next weekend/in the week' etc.

By Thursday people have usually got their weekends planned, so sounds to me like you are a second choice - but if you have been playing games like not texting first at this stage, then it changes things massively.

Again, going against the grain, normally people who are keen on eachother at the 2 month, 12/13 dates stage are in touch each day, even if just a 'goodnight x' or 'good morning x' text. A bloke who is really keen doesn't want to give another bloke a chance to snake on in there.

AuntieStella · 16/08/2018 16:59

"So people think that his behavior is totally normal/ acceptable?"

It's as normal and acceptable as yours was, when you didn't take the initiative in contacting him.

Now, what are you trying to achieve by not contacting someone you like? Or perhaps you don't really like him that much after all?

Zebra31 · 17/08/2018 06:47

So his been initiating contact after all dates? I agree with those that think that he possibly feels you aren’t into him as much as his into you. It must be tiring to feel like you are putting all the effort in all the time. I have always thought the I won’t text him first mind games are bit childish. If you like him then communicate with him. Stop playing games. It’s not a great look.

Notmany · 17/08/2018 07:31

You are playing games or expecting him to be a long distance mind reader. He probably didn't contact you to not appear to needy and finally did it because he thought he wouldn't see you at the weekend otherwise.

I suggest you need to have a proper conversation about where this is going and get on the same page.

Kinunir · 17/08/2018 07:42

If I was initiating the texting and calling all the time over a couple of weeks months, with the woman never doing so, I would assume disinterest on her part and pull back. If she didn't take the hint and re-engage herself, my suspicions would be confirmed.

It's 2018 and you're not a teenager - it's perfectly acceptable to pick your phone up and make the first move... but only if you really want to!

Original poster
NoraJonesss · 17/08/2018 07:52

Just to rectify, he used to reach out to me all the times for the first weeks, then it became 50/50. I don't expect him to put all the effort in all the timea, I just like to keep it balanced.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoraJonesss · 17/08/2018 07:53

Btw I agree with PP that a chat is due, at the very least about the level of contact we feel comfortable/ uncomfortable with.

OP posts:
Jaxtellerswife · 17/08/2018 08:12

I'd go with an open chat as you've already said.
I hope all goes well, good luck!

MyOtherProfile · 17/08/2018 08:29

Poor bloke. Are you going to see him this weekend? How did you reply?

Original poster
NoraJonesss · 17/08/2018 08:39

Yes we will see each other on Sunday. My reply was pretty chilled and we exchanged a few jokey texts since then, so I don't think I am projecting a angry or upset vibe on him.

OP posts:
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