Partner messaging on Kik

[pinyata]

I can't believe am writing this, last night I caught my OH messaging other women on an app called Kik.

After a blazing row where he went through all the classic motions of denial, blaming me ect ect I finally got to see who he had been messaging. Porn accounts proving tailored videos to his request.

I am devastated we have a 1 year old daughter together so it's not as easy as LTB, There was definitely no physical cheating as all the accounts he was messaging seem professional and based in America although I am under no illusions that more than likely would have been the next step.

I don't know what to do I never thought I would be writing this, I don't know what I need advise, a handhold, a wake up slap? where do we go from here?

What is the situation re the property and finances?.

I would now plan my exit from him and rebuild your life without him in it day to day. You cannot stay for the sake of your child and once trust has gone it is nigh on impossible for it to return. He has really shown no remorse here for his actions and choices he freely made.

I know this is against the grain generally but I don't view messaging some random women online the same as physically cheating. I'd want to hear why, how, when did it start etc.

I think I could potentially forgive some messages.

What a sleaze. This man has paid women and told them what he wants them to do then wanked off to it. That would be it for me. Could you ever be intimate with him again? Every time his phone goes off you'll be wondering and looking over your shoulder. It's up to you what you do but in my experience men like this don't really change

Thanks for the replies, We are currently in the process of selling my flat to move into our first house. I am going to need to rethink this as I could afford the flat but not the house on my income.

I have no savings as they are in a savings account under his name but I could get access to these and get "my ducks in a row" before pulling the plug.

I swerve from hating him and what he is done to wanting to forgive him. Why would fuck this up, we suppose to be booking our wedding after we move house

He's a fucking prick

Your savings are in HIS account? I know this is an emotional time, but get your money into your account asap and never put yourself in such a financially insecure situation again. Love is not a good financial adviser!

People DONT put your savings into other peoples account 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes get your savings out asap before you decide what to do.

Yes absolutely sort out your finances.

How has he been since the confrontation? Has he seemed generally remorseful or has he just come out with a load of flannel?

As others have said, before you do anything, move those savings TODAY.

You say your selling your flat, which presumably is in your name, to buy your first house together, which will presumably be in joint names? Further financial exposure on your part.

Looking at random porn may be one thing, but this sounds like it's a level above that.

The main thing that concerns me and you need at address urgently is how you are financially exposed right now, whatever decision you make, he could have that money in the account and if you make a permanent decision once you've moved, you've then got a joint asset which will need to be divided accordingly.

Perhaps you don't need to make any permanent decision just now but you do need to remove the risk finance wise.

Just had a google - so KIK looks a bit like whatsapp, I think - developed in Canada (not sure if that's of any consequence or not)

Definitely a level above random surfing of the net, and on the very edge of actual cheating, I really feel for you OP - your trust has been betrayed, whether it was a physical act, or not.

Take good care of yourself and that lovely DC of yours.

The savings are in his account simply because the majority of them are his from the sale of his flat last year. The savings we're going alongside the sale of my flat toward our new home. I have moved 20% of the savings into my daughter's account via online banking as I think this is the fairest place to keep them at the moment. As he had been contributing a high amount due to me paying the bills I feel this is fare just now.

Financially we were just starting to pull together after the birth of our daughter easy enough to unpick.

If it was random porn I could understand but it's not it's something he wanted that I wasn't giving him. I felt our sex life was fine a little slower due to the baby but nothing had changed

Not sure 20% is fair to you if you were paying all the bills and he saves his wages?

Could you transfer 50%?

If the majority of the saving were his, then I really don't think you have the right to any of his, unless there was an agreement (written) about the bills. Taking his money because you 'feel' you are owed and it is fair is not legal.
Take what was originally yours only.
If you decide to continue this relationship you need to start making sensible financial decisions, with everything legally agreed and in writing. Especially if you are going to buy property together.

So they did something for him that you didn't want to do?? And that isn't found on normal porn, he has to have it specifically made for him?

Kix is like WhatsApp except you don't need a phone number just a username so much more anonymous.

But it's also not fair that all of OP's money was going on bills, enabling the DP to save his wages.

OP must safeguard what she is entitled to.

I have taken 20% because I have being paying all the bills allowing him to save his half of the bills for our deposit and have messaged him and told him this he offered to transfer all the savings if it would ease my mind about him being dedicated to this relationship. I told him not to bother

I don't know specifically what he was asking them to do I didn't read all the messages what i seen was enough but I can't help but feel I was not enough, I have read so many threads on here where people have said they feel to blame for cheating ect and have always thought I was strong and would never be me. Did I neglect him once the baby was born did I push him too this.

Thank you all for the advise re my finances

I'm not sayings it is fair. It's blatantly not. But fair and legal are NOT the same thing. Not having an agreement in place about the bills being balanced by his savings means his savings are still legally his.
I would imagine he has a case for theft if it all goes tits up and he is being vindictive. She removed HIS money from HIS account without agreement or consent. A reasonable guy would see that as payment for his share of the bills. But we don't know if he is reasonable! He could even argue that any money she gave him to put in HIS account was a gift and she stole it. Without written agreement about whose it is then she is legally on very dodgy ground.
I too have been guilty of thinking love means you don't need to formalise financial transactions. When things go tits up, it is only the legal agreements in writing that count! I would not make that mistake again.

OP please keep that text offering to move all the savings. Just in case.
I really hope you can come through this, but don't accept his protests of commitment and rush ahead with selling your flat. He needs to prove himself trustworthy all over again and that will take time and effort on HIS part. Would he be willing to do couples counselling or individual counselling to work out why he was such a twat and to ensure he never does it again. And to find out IF you can forgive and move forward?

OP why did you tell him not to bother!

Please work out your fair share properly for the sake of your DD.

Transfer more. You can always transfer it back if it's too much. See a solicitor.

Pinyata don't blame yourself. My ex was cheating on me when I was in hospital with his unborn child. Was I to blame because of that?

Having said that, I'm not sure I would leave based on what your oh did but I would take my time deciding before committing to a new house together. You have to see whether you'll be able to forgive and trust him again and he has to see how unacceptable his behaviour was.

I have been thinking about counselling, if I decide to continue in this relationship I think this is the only way its going to work.

I will keep evidence of the approval of the money transfer. the majority that is left came from the sale of his flat and i also don't want to leave him with no money if i decide not to continue the relationship as he will need funds for a flat this is more for our daughter than him.

thank you all for your support every time i start to blame or think i could have done more i re read your messages it means a lot

Sounds like he's paying cam girls for this as 'entertainment'. They quite often charge for access to messaging apps and custom videos, snap chat things like that. They are only interested in his money, and he essentially paying for interactive porn, rather than a mutually interested cheating scenario.

It is not your fault at all. This is him, his personality and his responsibility. Please do not ever think you pushed him to this, he is a selfish, emotionally stunted, and more than likely misogynistic ape and you and your baby deserve a million times better.

It's so good to hear you own your own flat and that you found this out before selling! Halt the bus, sort out those savings and take your baby to your home. You are in a very good position to get out with as little financial fuss as possible.

So he's been spending money he was allegedly saving on bespoke porn?

I mean, it's not like there's any difficulty finding free porn on the Internet.

This episode is setting expectations for the rest of your relationship, I'd be very careful what you settle for.

"I have been thinking about counselling, if I decide to continue in this relationship I think this is the only way its going to work"

Counselling for whom?. Its not you, its him who has done this so do not blame your own self here. He won't likely attend any sessions and he has felt entitled to act like he has done.

Do not settle for such crap from him particularly as you have a child. Would you want her to be treated in such a manner by her man, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either. Would also suggest you sort the finances out asap and move back to your flat with your child.

Nooooo none of this is your fault. It's all on him, he chose to seek out and message these women and literally nothing you have or haven't done excuses that. It's definitely not you not being sexy enough or whatever as people who do this sort of things very often don't do it because their partner is lacking something but it's something lacking in themselves. Like a moral compass.

I hope you're ok, and whether you stay with him or not, and please only do so if he can prove he's done with all this nonsense, I agree that councelling will be a good idea as this is bound to affect your self esteem despite me being correct when I said Not Your Fault.