Partner messaging on Kik

[pinyata]

I can't believe am writing this, last night I caught my OH messaging other women on an app called Kik.

After a blazing row where he went through all the classic motions of denial, blaming me ect ect I finally got to see who he had been messaging. Porn accounts proving tailored videos to his request.

I am devastated we have a 1 year old daughter together so it's not as easy as LTB, There was definitely no physical cheating as all the accounts he was messaging seem professional and based in America although I am under no illusions that more than likely would have been the next step.

I don't know what to do I never thought I would be writing this, I don't know what I need advise, a handhold, a wake up slap? where do we go from here?

Councilling would be for him or couples counselling.

I do think couples counselling would benefit me also so that I can get out how this had made me feel coherently as when we discus what happened I am a mess and swing from being angry to sad and probably not making much sense.

That being said it is still very raw and has not even been 24 hours since I caught him I may be able to express myself more clearly once I have had a chance to compose myself. I have asked him to stay elsewhere tonight and he is going to stay at his brothers. SIL has confirmed this by messaging me to see if I was okay as he is staying with them tonight. I don't think she knows details but knows something has happened between us.

and counselling would only be an option if I decide I can work through this which am not sure I can I think I need to give myself time to hurt and then hopefully I'll either be strong enough to end the relationship or walk away.

You do know counselling isn't magic don't you?
Flogging
Dead
Horse.
Take the cash and ltb.

I read so many of these threads, where there are serious issues going on and it is generally a woman that is in a vunerable situation. Why do you all feel that finance is the biggest issue going on here. This thread particularly, is just concerned with money. Is that all you think a relationship is about. He, (The Partner) has done something so incredibly stupid, but it is not really the end of the world. When all said and done the OP only discovered this 24hrs ago, she needs hand holding not a barrage of posts about money. If I were her partner I would think that the money was all she was concerned about in our relationship and think well if that is all she is worried about then I may as well fuck right off now. OP I personally could easily forgive my partner for doing this, he has just been on interactive porn sites, he is feeling sorry for himself as you are probably not giving him the attention he used to get before your daughter was born, talk to him make sure he knows he is a bit of a twat and get through this. There are far too many broken marriages that with a bit of work could easily be saved. Don't get too wrapped up in the posts here I would talk to your partner and put him straight about what you will accept and what you won't and move on from this.

It is absolutely not your fault at all. Please don’t go down that road of self blame and self doubt- it will destroy you. Your partner is just an entitled man who feels that he can pay for whatever he wants.

My biggest concern would be the lack of respect he has shown to you, presumably he knew that this discovery would hurt you yet he still chose to do what he did.
For what it is worth I would consider this a massive line crossed and he was in essence cheating. I would also be concerned about what else he would be capable of doing.
Take care of yourself, make sure you eat and drink and keep yourself strong. Believe me, I know that hollow, hurt feeling you are probably experiencing right now. I know that you are probably torturing yourself thinking of what he has been doing too.
Do you have anyone to talk to? I know that it is hard as it makes it more real

Crazydoglady - because without that money she may tied to him. The reason financial independence is important is because otherwise a lot of women have no choice but to stay with men they shouldn't.

So if she has her money safe she can then concentrate on what she wants from the relationship and if she can forgive etc without having to worry about finances.

Musti- great post and so very spot on. Financial independence makes all the difference when making tough life choices.

musti I agree that it is probably important, but if I was in a position that I felt like leaving my marriage, our savings account/ business/ property and any other assets would be the very last thing on my mind, I would be more concerned about my own and DC's emotional being. Money is not actually a factor in people staying in a marriage when maybe they shouldn't, it is self esteem that empowers a person to move on if they really feel the need.

With all due respect, you speak for you but not for everyone and actually all too often financial implications do make a difference to a person deciding to leave. If there is no present danger in staying but financially it is hard or even not possible to leave then often people stay. Unless you have been in such a position it is impossible to know what you would do.

Among other things kik has destroyed my marriage. It went from "harmless" messaging (which I decided with difficulty to try to get past for the sake of my children) to exchanging pics, live chats and eventually meet ups. All while claiming it stopped after the first time. I honestly think this behaviour is an addiction and unless your case is unusual it will keep on happening. The genie can't be put back in the bottle and as a minimum I'd suggest you have plans in place for a separation and evidence if possible as they always deny or minimise it. I LTB as I'd had enough of being made a fool of.

neeversion. I wil reciprocate that respect and say on here we ALL only speak for ourselves as none of us know each other or know the full story to threads.

I am going through something similar and it came completely out of the blue. My advice would be to take your time to let reality sink in and grieve for the previously good relationship which you have lost. Even if you think ultimately it is over, take your time to let your heart catch up with your head. In the meantime protect your finances.

Indeed that is true. Hence an awful lot of posters here have focused on finances as they have been there and realise the importance of being financially independent. I don’t think not knowing the full story makes any difference to that.

Crazydoglady

musti I agree that it is probably important, but if I was in a position that I felt like leaving my marriage, our savings account/ business/ property and any other assets would be the very last thing on my mind

Lots of threads on MN where the man has taken all the money from the joint account.

OP has an opportunity to use the temporary guilt her dp is feeling to make sure she transfers her share of the savings to her own account. That guilt doesn't last long hence the advice to act fast.

I would be more concerned about my own and DC's emotional being.

Which is a reminder from posters re finances can be helpful.

Money is not actually a factor in people staying in a marriage when maybe they shouldn't, it is self esteem that empowers a person to move on if they really feel the need

Actually countless threads on MN will show you many do stay in abusive relationships because money is a factor. Financial independence is essential, not a nice to have.

Why don't you ask to talk together to discuss feelings and how it got to this point. Is he good in every other aspect of your relationship apart from what you've just found out?

He shouted and blamed because it was raw and he'd just been caught out - he was being defensive. You'd be surprised how many men secretly watch porn etc but don't feel they can talk about it with their other half because of what they might think of them. I'm not excusing them, and depends on if it's momentary frustration because of circumstances or full on addiction. He's conversing with online women in the states....there's no emotional affair here. But there is a deeper communication problem going on which will affect your future relationship, if you decide to stay with him.

Calming sit and say you want to understand how it got to this if you feel you can, once the anger and emotions have calmed down. Only you know if your relationship has potential for a future. Take up counselling if you think having a mediator will help you through this.

@unexpectednewstart am sorry your going through a crap time too.

I understand people advise re the financial side of the relationship, I am okay in this respect. The house sale is not due to finalise for a few months as is a new build property. My flat is not long on the market so i don't need to make any decisions imminently in relation to this.

I'm hoping after a couple of days I'll be able to see clearer thank you all for your nice messages.

I'd want to understand what his reasons were, and how he understood his actions.

He may have thought it was no different that pre-prepared porn, or whatever you call it.

How did he justify it to himself as not cheating? Or did he not bother?

Did he understand what your line in the sand was on this issue?

Counselling isn't going to change his personality.

If you tolerate this, demonstrate that you are placated by a few limp offerings of restorative behaviour, then you are setting the bar really low. You are presenting to him right now your expectations of his behaviour in your future marriage.

If you are not ready to cut and run, then move back into your flat. Cancel the wedding, assess from his future behaviour if he has changed his personality/behaviour for certain. Give yourself some time and space. X

What he has done here is give the OP the usual cheater script of deny, blame her and minimise. It could be argued that he is upset only because he has been caught red handed. Would he have been at all forgiving; I doubt that very much. He felt entitled to do this and no-one forced him to do so either. This is more about power and control than a perceived lack of communication.

I am in the same scenario.... found out SO is using KIK. Issue is that I cannot decide it's ok or not. Men are so very different in this aspect (than most women) and it's hard to understand. This is modern day porn. Hiding magazines are of the past... olden day porn. I still dont know how I feel about it thought because I dont feel I understand it. This makes me think... it's about the lies. If he came home and said... oh i just looked at some boucing boobs on my phone I would probably be ok with it !! gahhh anyone else feel like this ?

@mumzero - have you actually seen his kik account ?
It’s normally used by cheating partners to chat to other men/women from dating sites. Not just for porn.

no but i am assuming they are sharing xxx pictures and live cam and chatting. no meeting though. that’s why i’m calling it “modern day porn”.

like instead of renting a movie you can pay cam girls

He could also be chatting to other women he has met online. I’d ask to look at the account.
Cheaters use it.

All I can say is if this is the future, then no wonder relationships are in trouble. Blokes doing dial up takeaway porn requests to women desparate or sometimes who just see it as easy money for not that much work. Who says romance is dead!! OP, tell him to sod off, once guys get into this shit to this kind of level it rarely goes away. Just gets hidden.

I wouldn’t bat an eye if it was online. So long as it wasn’t physical and he wasn’t pursuing repeated contact with any one person but I’m pretty relaxed about those things as I know people access them as they scratch an itch so to speak.

I understand it crossed a line for you though.