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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

‘What is the actual point of you?’ I said that in an arguement and feel so guilty now.

71 replies

CocoDeMoll · 14/08/2018 22:29

How do I get past this? I said this twice last night in the heat of an arguement and it’s such a nasty, deep cutting thing to say. I haven’t apologised today and he either forgot I said it or just is being the bigger person and looking past it. Any advice?

OP posts:

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 15/08/2018 08:19

I remember your H. He deserved it

Original poster

CocoDeMoll · 15/08/2018 08:25

He is pulling his weight more now. Making holiday family time which is nice. He’ll still need a kick up the arse to be reminded that it’s my holiday too but that’s how it is

OP posts:

Original poster

CocoDeMoll · 15/08/2018 08:27

notmany I work and earn the higher wage usually so I’m not chasing after a man to ‘look after’ me. No I don’t trust shared finances. I look after my own money so we can (just about) afford to go on holiday.

OP posts:

Notmany · 15/08/2018 08:34

So what does he spend his money on?

Jupiter9 · 15/08/2018 08:52

I always thought a marriage was about sharing, it's seems if a lady has money it's hers and a man it's theirs. What a horrible way of going through life. Alot of anti men on this thread.

vivalafrida · 15/08/2018 08:59

I once said to my XH 'Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.'

So I think what you said isn't so bad. Apologise though.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 15/08/2018 08:59

From what you have described OP, he does sound a bit pointless tbf.

purits · 15/08/2018 09:06

No I don’t trust shared finances.

You mean you don't trust your DH. Why did you marry him? You meant it last night, didn't you: you really don't see the point of him. How sad.

Notquitegrownup2 · 15/08/2018 09:18

Being appreciated (and appreciating the other person in a relationship) is really important.

Going on holiday is useful because it sometimes brings things to the surface that we haven't focused on.

Try turning it to the positive. If you are getting on well, and you get chance to relax a bit during the week, have a glass of wine and tell him that the holiday is doing you good, and that you really do appreciate him for X, Y and Z. You can apologise for what you said but also flag up that bringing up 2 kids, working hard and looking after a home is tough and that it's important to appreciate each other, and to tell each other that too.

Hopefully he will reciprocate, but you might need to spell it out a bit.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/08/2018 09:29

Well in all honestly, what's the point of any of us?
If he seems to have forgotten it all then I'd just carry on!

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 15/08/2018 09:37

It's honestly going to be hard for you to get really useful input on this thread because people don't have the whole picture.

C0untDucku1a · 15/08/2018 09:44

If you earn more, are you sharing maternity leave so he can have time off and you can go Back to earning?

Also, it never ceases to amaze me that there are men out there, actual adult men, who allow someone else to pack for them.

It astounds me that there are so many women out there who pack holiday bags for their husbands. Stop infantilising these men. They are capable of Packing a bag. And if theyre seriously not, how on earth do they manage at work???

Missingstreetlife · 15/08/2018 10:46

Leave it, he doesn't seem to be bearing a grudge.
Have a good holiday

Trinity66 · 15/08/2018 10:47

He said nothing that bad!!
He’d been shitty with me since he got in from work till we finished the drive to the holiday and I was fed up. I’d found, booked, payed for and packed for all of us (me, him and two dcs aged 4m and 5 yrs) with the dcs under my feet all day and he didn’t seem to appreciate that.

Sounds like a fair question then tbqh :/

Trinity66 · 15/08/2018 10:48

Also, it never ceases to amaze me that there are men out there, actual adult men, who allow someone else to pack for them.

Hear Hear!

peekyboo · 15/08/2018 10:53

If money is a real issue it might have been better not to spend it on a holiday. Obviously up to you what you spend your money on, but it's coming out of savings not earnings, which seems a bit risky.

Also, going away with small children isn't exactly relaxing and relationships with problems are often under the spotlight when you go away. My ex was awful on holiday, every single time. It was as if we had to have a row before he could decide to relax and enjoy himself.

Original poster

CocoDeMoll · 15/08/2018 23:31

peekyboo so true! It’s not really a relaxing holiday with very young kids and (some) men see it as their holiday but you’re left with all the shot work especially as we’re caravanning.

I really wanted to make memories (and all that shit!) for the older one who hasn’t had many holidays in her life and was prepared to risk finances for that. I don’t regret it. She’s having an amazing time .

As for the packing issue I was tempted to let him do his own but kept getting calls from him about putting a socks/pants wash on and finding his shirt and it’d just look petty if I then didn’t go on to pack them.

queen I know what you mean but I think the best advice I’ve got is not to let this ruin a holiday I’ve worked hard to make happen and I’m not going to let it.

He hasn’t brought up those words so I think he’s either forrgotton I said them or forgiven.

Bloody holidays always start with a stupid arguement!!!

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 16/08/2018 10:16

I once said to my XH 'Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.'

I think I would just laugh if someone said that to me :p

ShumpaLumpa · 16/08/2018 14:18

It wouldn't have been petty at all. Why was he calling you to wash his pants and socks and find his shirt?
He should have done it himself.

Did you do more housework than him even before maternity leave? You need to still get him to do stuff otherwise you may end up doing it all when you go back to work.

shinyredbus · 16/08/2018 14:20

So you’ve come here to say you felt bad about what you said, then followed it up with why you said what you said - but you haven’t apologised? You can’t feel that bad about it then.

vivalafrida · 17/08/2018 08:59

Trinity66

It was a low point

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