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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

‘What is the actual point of you?’ I said that in an arguement and feel so guilty now.

71 replies

CocoDeMoll · 14/08/2018 22:29

How do I get past this? I said this twice last night in the heat of an arguement and it’s such a nasty, deep cutting thing to say. I haven’t apologised today and he either forgot I said it or just is being the bigger person and looking past it. Any advice?

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 14/08/2018 23:37

He did fuck all. You got frustrated.

You need to communicate about what you need in terms of his contribution.

Don’t beat yourself up, I bet he knows exactly why you said it.

eightfacesofthemoon · 14/08/2018 23:42

@PamsterWheel
Too many G&Ts tonight dear!!! ?

LanguageAsAFlower · 14/08/2018 23:42

I would have said worse than that. I would talk to him about how frustrated you were about doing everything and then it feeling appreciated.

LanguageAsAFlower · 14/08/2018 23:43

It =not Blush

PamsterWheel · 14/08/2018 23:48

@eightfacesofthemoon gosh, you've got me pegged. Well done.

Original poster
CocoDeMoll · 14/08/2018 23:50

Easy pamster I didn’t think he’d forgotten because he’s stupid but it was the first night of the hols and he’d had a few. I agree though what I said was nasty.

OP posts:
Paddley · 15/08/2018 00:06

OP, I really think you're overthinking this, he probably needed a 'gentle' reminder of how lucky he is to have you. Wink

Enjoy your holiday.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/08/2018 00:14

ReevaDiva
"I'm sorry I was so snippy but I felt very taken for granted and that you didn't notice how hard I had worked to actually get us all off on holiday."

Any apology that has a "but" in it isn't an apology.

crunchie3008 · 15/08/2018 01:55

I don't think that just forgetting it is the right thing to do. I think you should definitely apologise for the lone comment, but make sure he knows the place it came from. I'm sure if he said something like that to you, you would expect an apology.

Notmany · 15/08/2018 06:03

Just apologise and get him to pack next time. Typical MN response to try and turn it round on the man. I presume he was working and also did the drive? You were probably both tired and stressed.

Longtalljosie · 15/08/2018 06:06

Woah - why are you paying for family holidays from mat leave savings??

Urbanbeetler · 15/08/2018 06:10

Start with the message and ‘but’ the apology -better way around.

‘I was angry and hurt last night but I shouldn’t have said blah blah blah...’

Jupiter9 · 15/08/2018 06:13

Urban I agree with you, too many anti men on MN.

Notmany · 15/08/2018 06:19

longtalljosie

Because she is a big girl and can spend ger money how she likes?

Liz38 · 15/08/2018 06:19

I agree an apology wound probably be good. I'm rubbish at it but my DH is very good at coming back and saying I'm sorry, I was grumpy and i shouldn't have been. I really appreciate that in him (And do try too do it too but often fail).

Maybe pick up the issues that made you so cross separately, they sound valid and I'd not be happy about it, but I do think it devalues an apology if you qualify it with "but this is why it was ok for me to say that"

Longtalljosie · 15/08/2018 06:26

^longtalljosie

Because she is a big girl and can spend ger money how she likes?
^

Optimistically yes, that’s possible. But I am always appalled by how many “partnerships” expect women on mat leave to still stump up for household costs.

Jaxtellerswife · 15/08/2018 06:36

It's money coming into the household, whatever form it takesHmm on this occasion op has used it to pay for a holiday. Nothing wrong with that
Op, I wouldn't make a big deal of it, If you feel sorry then say it and move on. He's not dwelling on it, just crack on with your holiday

AnyFucker · 15/08/2018 06:41

Is there any point to him, though ?

pigeondujour · 15/08/2018 06:49

Why would you pay for a family holiday on your own out of savings that were to fund your mat leave? What is the point of him, other than to add the cost of an extra (grumpy, argumentative) adult to your holidays?

HollyGibney · 15/08/2018 07:00

Any apology that has a "but" in it isn't an apology.

That's just not true. Would it have been an apology if the OP had said "I'm sorry I said that, the thing is, I felt like I had done all the work and you weren't acknowledging my input and how hard I worked"?

So saying exactly the same thing, with different words, not using a "but". The word "but" does not render an apology meaningless.

RainySeptember · 15/08/2018 07:19

OP, I think we've all said unkind things out of frustration or when under pressure. You'd had a difficult day and felt unappreciated. I don't actually think it's that bad, and your dh doesn't seem particularly bothered by it. I think you should apologise or instigate a discussion only if you think there will be a cloud over your holiday otherwise.

But some of the replies you have had are horrible.

What was your dh doing while you were having a stressful day packing and looking after little children? He wasn't sitting on his arse was he, he was at work, maybe having a stressful day as well.

You used your maternity savings to pay for the holiday, so will you be eating gruel for the rest of your maternity leave, or will his wages be supporting the household?

You work hard and feel unappreciated and like he doesn't notice how hard you work or how much pressure you're under, but maybe he feels the same.

I hate the nasty divisive comments that pit you against each other or fan the flames. If you love each other, if you're usually a team, if you both work hard for the family and have similar amounts of down time, this is just a silly argument that can easily be put behind you so you can enjoy your well deserved holiday. He didn't retaliate, he didn't say anything horrible, so he doesn't sound all bad to me.

Original poster
CocoDeMoll · 15/08/2018 07:26

He was at work all day. He works hard but it’s not a well paid job. He’s constantly skint despite this so I’ve been paying the bulk of household stuff from my savings. I think it’s just building resentment at that but it’s not his fault. I don’t want to spoil the holiday and I don’t think it has.

A bit childishly I wanted him to be impressed with all I’d achieved in a day but he hasn’t had both dcs alone yet so maybe he doesn’t realise how hard it is to get stuff done with a baby and a bored 5 yr old!!

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 15/08/2018 07:27

I dunno. It’s not a very nice comment but it sounds completely true. He just had to dress himself and get in the car to have a lovely family holiday - no planning and booking, no packing and children wrangling, not even paying. I wouldn’t apologise because i wouldn’t really mean it. Is he pulling his weight now? Does he usually fund the household (while youre on mat leave)? And when he is organising packing and paying for a holiday? My dh last year was on notice. If he didn’t organise holidays they would be cancelled. He stepped up.

timeisnotaline · 15/08/2018 07:29

There is nothing childish about wanting to be appreciated in your marriage.

Notmany · 15/08/2018 08:16

OP so the real issue is you resent him for not earning enough to support the both of you and you don't trust each other enough to share finances or at least see yourselves as a financial unit rather than two individuals that pay for stuff separately.

Having a baby usually means a drop in income in the short term and many couples can't afford to survive on one wage alone. This is life. Either learn to deal with it and work together or jack it in and find a man with a bigger wallet.

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