‘What is the actual point of you?’ I said that in an arguement and feel so guilty now.

[CocoDeMoll]

How do I get past this? I said this twice last night in the heat of an arguement and it’s such a nasty, deep cutting thing to say. I haven’t apologised today and he either forgot I said it or just is being the bigger person and looking past it. Any advice?

Who is “he”

My dh. We were having an arguement on our first night of the holidays.

Depends if you really think that or not

Not sure why you haven’t apologised if you think it was such an awful thing to say?

If someone said that to me in an argument I would just assume that they had run out of valid things to say- it’s similar to name-calling imo.

Unless you genuinely don’t know what the point of him is? In which case you have a problem.

I would apologise. Profusely.

My plan this morning was to apologise big time but he seemed ok so I thought he’d forgotten what I’d said and I didn’t want to make things worse.

Meh, I've said worse! What did he say to you?

He said nothing that bad!!
He’d been shitty with me since he got in from work till we finished the drive to the holiday and I was fed up. I’d found, booked, payed for and packed for all of us (me, him and two dcs aged 4m and 5 yrs) with the dcs under my feet all day and he didn’t seem to appreciate that.

Sounds a fair enough comment impo

"I'm sorry I was so snippy but I felt very taken for granted and that you didn't notice how hard I had worked to actually get us all off on holiday."

Actually sounds like a fair question you asked though!!

Did you get an answer?

It was a nasty thing to say but we all say things we regret. You need to apologise so that you can put it behind you and enjoy your holiday.

Although it’s not something to be proud of, I have in the past where I have let my temper get the best of me and spoke without thinking said this to my partners, parents and siblings. Out of all the mean things I have ever said to them, “what is the actual point of you” was never mentioned or brought up again.

I don’t think it cuts deep like for example, I hate you is worse and name calling.

But listen if you feel badly about it bring it up to your dh, say something along the lines of, “ I don’t want to rehash our argument but I would like to apologise to you for the comment I made, I didn’t mean it, I spoke without thinking etc.” And don’t ever say it again.

No, I didn’t get an answer!
My stupid pride got the better of me and I’m really struggling to apologise. Although it was a shitty comment and I regret saying it there is a grain of truth in there.

Least said, soonest mended. Don't remind him of the row, move on, he probably recognised a grain of truth in what you said.

So, you’ve done all the wifework for the holiday and, despite that, he was being horrible to you for a prolonged period of time and spoiled the start to your holiday.

Then you had a row during which you expressed your frustration with him.

And now you are the one feeling guilty whereas he seems to think everything is now OK.

You need some lessons in assertiveness.

Cross post OP. I read your mind.

Ha! You did

heda that’s it really. I did all the shitty wifework and the (stereotyped) husband work of paying for it out of my mat leave savings and he doesn’t seem to see it.

@HeddaGarbled
This!
Do not apologise without reiterating why you felt pushed to the edge to say it.
I also agree with @Paddley
I’m sure he knows there’s a grain of truth in it. Perhaps you saying that has made him take stock of his actions.

It does sound like there was justification for you being annoyed with him but if you don’t want it hanging over you all the holiday, you are going to just have to swallow your pride and say sorry for that comment alone. Imagine him walking out the door and something awful happening and you not getting the chance to put it right - that will help you to say it.

The comment may or may not have bothered him but it will make yourself feel better if nothing else

mutts your right. If I’ve put effort and money into this holiday I should swallow my pride so I can get on and enjoy it!

Exactly! If this wasn’t an isolated incident of twattishness on his part you need to address that when you get home but don’t spoil your holiday for the sake of being right and not wanting to back down.

Get it out of the way and then you can relax.

Well, I give him credit for not escalating the argument and replying with something snarky like “I guess my only purpose is to earn the money for our bills and pay for this holiday” but then you said you paid for the holiday out of savings so what the fuck is the point of him? He wasn’t being a husband nor a parent.

Thought he'd forgotten it. Fucking hell, you think your DH is some dumb fuck that's for sure. What is the actual point of you? Nasty.