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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just discovered scale of cheating

55 replies

IndiaBound · 14/08/2018 08:40

Hi,

Myself and bf have two young kids - 4 and 5 - the latter has SEN but both are lovely girls.

I was contacted by a third party to tell me he had been cheating; we've been in a rut for a few years because of his depression and anxiety, sex life not great, but I've never stopped loving him, telling him so, and also letting him know I was dying to make love like we used to.

When I got the message, we sat down and he had notes on his phone, said he was going to tell me soon anyhow, showed remorse and I agreed to give it another go. We entered Hysterical Bonding and wow, my old man back. That was start of July.

I sat down yesterday with his laptop, started searching and found back ups of messages to many people (10 plus) about the great times they had, in detail what they did in bed, etc.

It's obviously he had found them on an app so these were ones that had shared their number and messaged after using an iPhone - so the number is bound to be more than 10 and the first message I found went back to Feb 2017!!!

I'm gutted, hurt, angry, didn't sleep at all last night and now away three days (I'm the bread winner, he is studying and not earning at all).

I'm thinking on Thursday so sit him down, say I want to ask some questions again and see if he still lies about it only being one other for two months.

What then? Back his bags and get out time? Leaves me with a childcare crisis but work will be good I'm sure.

Anyone been here, any advice please?

OP posts:

Bambi99 · 14/08/2018 09:04

I'm sorry to hear this. He is going to lie though hun he already proved he is a liar. You need to get prepared for the worst case cos ppl turn nasty pretty quick. It would appear ur maybe in love with the person u thought he was, he sounds a waste of space. Xx

inlectorecumbit · 14/08/2018 09:47

Does it really matter if he lies or not ?. He is a serial cheat and liar.
For me it would be game over.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/08/2018 09:51

I would just tell him you know a lot more than he let on and he needs to get out right now.
Help him pack and throw his shit out.

And right now, make an appointment at your local GUM or SHAW clinic.
You need a full STD check!

Tinkeringbythesea · 14/08/2018 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tinkeringbythesea · 14/08/2018 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fannycraddock72 · 14/08/2018 10:15

I think you have to accept that ‘old man’you described isn’t the person you thought he was.

For me cheating was a dealbreaker and I started divorce proceedings pretty much straight away. But everyone is different and if you decide to try and work it out good luck to you.

As for the hysterical bonding/pick me dance..i know two couples that went through this as a result of their partners infidelity and both said it feels great at the time and like they had fallen in love all over again, but that moment but it rarely lasts and things often go back to the same routine. One couple the partner cheated again after a couple of years and the other just couldn’t get past the betrayal and they both divorced.

I would recommend having a look at the chumplady blog and read her book, it was a great help for me.

www.chumplady.com

Good luck

SunflowerJo08 · 14/08/2018 10:18

Really sorry that you have been put through this after doing everything you could to get things back on track. It seems there is no saving some people!

thebird93 · 14/08/2018 11:17

Going on my own experience sadly you won't get any answers until he's face with facts. My DH lied and lied and I still think there's more lies 8 months on. Hugs my lovely, it's certainly a rollercoaster ride I know xx

Tinkeringbythesea · 14/08/2018 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebird93 · 14/08/2018 15:59

I first found out some of the cheating back in January.. was never quite happy I got the whole truth. Them wham.. another monumental blow hit me in April. I'm not sure I'm getting through this if I'm honest! I'm shocked to the core by what I've discovered and the person I married is gone. Keep digging, trust me on this one .. 💐

Tinkeringbythesea · 14/08/2018 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebird93 · 14/08/2018 16:19

@Tinkeringbythesea I'm jan I had my suspicions and was proved right. It was a serious blow but I stayed calm and when he came home 3 weeks later (he worked abroad) we talked.. then I found out there was another one.. then.. the icing on the cake the other one he held back telling me about was blackmailing him for money (he was paying for her apartment in another country) she got nasty and contacted me and told all. I'm not entirely sure I know all there is to know and just like you one day I'm fine the next I'm not. I'm holding it together for the kids, summer holidays and financially now is not the best time. However I'm very close to packing his bags if I'm honest. I don't think I like him anymore,
We have another holiday planned late next week and I'd rather he didn't come! I'm a mess to be fair, be he's done this to me 😐 no one know the full extent of his lies I'm to ashamed. I feel like I have to carry it with me to the grave.

Cawfee · 14/08/2018 16:22

Wow...so you are supporting him and while he’s supposed to be studying he’s shagging other women?!? WTF? Total disrespect. I’d suggest you get a full STD check because god knows where he’s been putting it. He’s put you and your kids at risk and no, you can’t trust when he tells you he wore protection. How disgusting. I’d book the kids into whatever childcare is needed and tell him to sling his hook. Be interesting to see how much time he has for sticking it around when he’s got to find work to feed himself. Don’t put up with this.

Hissy · 14/08/2018 16:26

my dear you hold the cards and you can make this work. Get shot of him and don't look back. Hug for you

hug for you too thebird go on your holiday (perhaps he should stay home) to give yourself some thinking space. You may not be able to get past this and that is fine. HE did this, not you.

timeisnotaline · 14/08/2018 16:36

I can’t see why you think this could be saved or what’s to gain from another conversation about it.

Thebluedog · 14/08/2018 16:38

I’m not sure how you come back from this OP

Tryingagain1 · 14/08/2018 17:42

I think you would be right to end it with him. Not sure there could be any chance of a decent relationship after he's cheated with this many people for that long period. I can't see that he would ever be faithful. You deserve much better

SandyY2K · 15/08/2018 03:01

So he wasn't just talking to these 10 other women, he slept with them.

I'd tell him I know there's more. The trust is gone and I'd like us to separate and coparent the girls amicably.

If he argues or denies, just say you know there were others and he can continue denying what you both know is true...or just leave it and sort out the practicalities like him moving out and custody arrangements...as you both need to act in the best interests of the kids.

Let him support himself. You arebt married...so what's yours is yours.

Keep your cool. Be very matter of fact about it.

category12 · 15/08/2018 04:44

Gosh, just cut to the chase and out he goes, surely? That's like a hobby.

BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 15/08/2018 07:05

10? There's no way back from that .

AnyFucker · 15/08/2018 07:09

You still think there might be something to save ?

Wow.

TaintforTheLikesOfWe · 15/08/2018 07:23

Meant kindly but the time to decide is when you are sitting in the STD clinic waiting your turn for tests. That's a cold wake up I tell you. I would bin him so fast. He has spent all his energies elsewhere whilst you have spent all your energies (and money) on him. It's a no from me.

Original poster

IndiaBound · 15/08/2018 19:40

Thanx all.

I'm back tomorrow, going to ask for a quick chat, ask him a few questions, wait for him to lie again and then tell him to get out.

Every time I think between meetings of what I can save.... Well how can you when you can't trust a word and the chats I read were so explicit that I never want him to touch me again.

His loss and tomorrow night he can go sleep with one of his squeezes - although in all the chats I saw, he was saying he was single so don't blame them. In fact, glad the one did contact me.

You guys rock!

OP posts:

Original poster

IndiaBound · 16/08/2018 23:15

So I confront him with questions.

Still claims its only one. Then I let on and the flood gates open.

Apparently he is having councelling - I know he is attending - on why his depression makes him need affirmation that he is important and sex hook ups give him that. But with the psychologist he's worked out a way of but subcumming to this.

Begged, cried, everything to me to give him another chance. Even when I said I could not stand the thought of him touching me, he just asked for a chance to show and rebuild trust.

Must admit I'm torn. The kids would be devastated, he seems genuinely to have remorse even though I had to drag the truth from him, and has offered to give me full access to all his devices, etc - not that I want that as I don't want a relationship built on distrust.

Anyone think the trust can be rebuilt? If he genuinely changes and focuses, is there a chance.

Must admit I didn't think I would be thinking like this.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 16/08/2018 23:26

I can only answer based on what I think I would do/feel but for me it wouldn’t matter how much he changed or how much work he put in, I couldn’t live with the insecurity that he may not be able to maintain the changes.

No one can tell you what to do, every person is different, as is every relationship and only you know what’s possible for you. I do think you have to be really honest with yourself about how you feel about trust and whether you can live without it for long enough for him to do the necessary work though. It’s a big ask and only you know whether he’s worth it

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