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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just discovered scale of cheating

55 replies

IndiaBound · 14/08/2018 08:40

Hi,

Myself and bf have two young kids - 4 and 5 - the latter has SEN but both are lovely girls.

I was contacted by a third party to tell me he had been cheating; we've been in a rut for a few years because of his depression and anxiety, sex life not great, but I've never stopped loving him, telling him so, and also letting him know I was dying to make love like we used to.

When I got the message, we sat down and he had notes on his phone, said he was going to tell me soon anyhow, showed remorse and I agreed to give it another go. We entered Hysterical Bonding and wow, my old man back. That was start of July.

I sat down yesterday with his laptop, started searching and found back ups of messages to many people (10 plus) about the great times they had, in detail what they did in bed, etc.

It's obviously he had found them on an app so these were ones that had shared their number and messaged after using an iPhone - so the number is bound to be more than 10 and the first message I found went back to Feb 2017!!!

I'm gutted, hurt, angry, didn't sleep at all last night and now away three days (I'm the bread winner, he is studying and not earning at all).

I'm thinking on Thursday so sit him down, say I want to ask some questions again and see if he still lies about it only being one other for two months.

What then? Back his bags and get out time? Leaves me with a childcare crisis but work will be good I'm sure.

Anyone been here, any advice please?

G

OP posts:
SusieOwl4 · 16/08/2018 23:29

Only if you are prepared to be treated like this all over again . Because you will be . He has not even considered your children in all of this .
It’s your choice but just consider a few years down the line it happens again , where will you be then ? Older ? better prepared or more hurt than now ?

Might be cynical but his pleading seems pretty much par for the course to me .

Babdoc · 16/08/2018 23:37

It sounds to me like he’s just following the script that all cheaters do. Trying to play the victim:
“ It’s my depression that did it.”
“I needed the reassurance.”
“ I didn’t love them.”
“It didn’t mean anything.”
“I’m having counselling.”
Followed by weeping and wailing. And claims of being sorry.
Usually they’re not sorry for the cheating. They’re sorry they got caught. And they will do it again.
Up to you how many more years of this crap you want to listen to, OP.

inlectorecumbit · 16/08/2018 23:54

Depression = cheating
Pile of shite
LTB

AdaColeman · 17/08/2018 00:06

If he were the breadwinner and had been caught out with this level of cheating do you think he would be grovelling and begging to stay with you?
My guess is that he wouldn't be. He would be off without a backward glance to live the single life he seems to crave.

But you are the breadwinner, working hard to give him comfort & security while he studies and screws around, so of course he wants that to continue, it's a wonderful life! No wonder he is begging and grovelling and promising to change, he can see his wonderful life being snatched away from him.

You would never be able to trust him again would you?

Stay strong and do what is best for you and the children. Thanks

timeisnotaline · 17/08/2018 00:33

No no and no. What if he’s depressed again next year ? Eg because he had to get an actual job (which he will now). He will cheat again because he can’t help it. Tell him to ask the therapist if there is any way for him to not be a shit person so at least he can be a good dad. The ship has sailed for partner.

Brazenhussy0 · 17/08/2018 00:50

He's crying because he was caught. It's not remorse, it's a man scared of losing his very comfortable lifestyle.

Don't let him use you like this anymore. If you stay together, he will return to his cheating as soon as he feels 'safe' again.

TheFrendo · 17/08/2018 00:53

Just get him out.

You don't need any answers from him, you just need him gone.

Doingreat · 17/08/2018 01:00

He sounds like a sex addict. Or at least has serous issues with regards to sex.
Don't know if they can ever change. Even the ones who desperately want to deal with their issues.

Your OH might be genuinely remorseful and wish to change his behaviour. It would take years of therapy. Could you wait around for that?

DonkeyPlease · 17/08/2018 01:18

Gosh. He clearly knows exactly how to play you like a fiddle.

Sorry love. Although I'm sure he at least partly believes his own shite, it's still total shite. He's literally been enjoying shagging around to the level that it was like a hobby to him.

Relationships honestly are not meant to be this hard. Think of what you're teaching your children, by taking him back. Wouldn't you want them to learn that they're entitled to respect and basic courtesy from their spouse...?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/08/2018 03:24

Ten? Going back to February 2017? This is cheating on an industrial scale.

We're all different. But I wouldn't be able to put up with this. There's no way to explain this as anything but deliberately deceiving you and putting his marriage in jeopardy.

He won't change. Get rid. If you try to patch things up he will only let you down again, when you've invested even more time in this doomed relationship.

RedSquirrelMoonlight · 17/08/2018 05:01

Of course he's begging, he's hugely dependent on you for his life style and current self-identity.

It also sounds like you are still processing this, plus thinking of your kids.

You can see a couples therapist even if you know you s breaking up and separating, it may give you both a third place to go.

Thoughts are with you, Hugs.

FiestaThenSiesta · 17/08/2018 05:13

You’re not married? I know sometimes people are vague about details because it’s a public site after all... but it makes a huge difference if you’re the main bread winner. If you were married, then he is the primary carer of the children, would have a right to a bigger portion of the shared marital assets and would be awarded custody (especially if the older child would struggle with 50/50 custody arrangement and disrupted routines). And of course you’d be paying child support and he could claim benefits.

If

Original poster
IndiaBound · 18/08/2018 20:31

Right I'm going to get rid.

The pleading because he's been caught as opposed to remorse really resonates.

I've also discovered through more investigation that his friends knew this was going on, when he had a friend holiday he had a snog in front of them all but, worst of all, he's had at least one person to our house when I've been away and the kids have been asleep.

Bastard!!

So he's with his family and the girls this week whilst I'm working and drove there. Don't know whether to do it over the phone (worried about the drive home if he's in a state) or when he's home on Friday before going out - trouble is kids will be around.

Then we're meant to be home together on Saturday before I'm away Sunday and then he's away Monday to Wednesday.

Your advice has been great so far.... One more piece please - when, how and what do I do when the begging starts?

But I'm resolved, this thing is eating me alive and I need to get out!

OP posts:
category12 · 18/08/2018 20:43

Personally I'd wait until the kids are back home with you and consider cancelling whatever it is that is supposed to take you away on Sunday. Mostly because I'd want to have the kids with me.

Original poster
IndiaBound · 18/08/2018 21:37

Good point.

Something I forgot to mention is we are at his folks now. Luckily I have a cold so they think that is why I'm down.

He's asking if I'm alright everytime we're alone and I'm saying yes to keep the peace.

I have tomorrow to get thru then I'm home to work and he stays here until Friday when then drive home.

I then get to see him an hour before he's out with friends..

I know I'm going to get bombarded with texts, calls, etc Monday - Thursday, how would you advise I react - let him know I'm hurting, lie all is ok or what?

Such a bad weekend to be away...

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 18/08/2018 21:46

Op if you can keep your powder dry until after the weekend

If your the main breadwinner you need to know your options and responsibilities
Don't give him a heads up until you have everything nailed down

Play him at his game, so it benefits you good luck 💐

MilesHuntsWig · 18/08/2018 21:52

Can you keep a lid on it for that long? Wishing you all the best, you are being incredibly strong.

Is there any chance of taking some short term leave and returning with the kids to your home and getting this over and done ASAP?

Obviously you know your situation and limits so just a suggestion.

Beaverhausen · 18/08/2018 21:54

Oo he is only trying to keep you sweet because he knows his gravy train will come to an end.

The mere fact that he did it and was supported in it with his friends shows a total lack of respect.

Find alternate childcare for your DC, pack his bags and start divorce proceedings based on his infidelity. Oh also change the locks.

Just remember him fucking these women and lying to you and having a good laugh with his friends about it when you are ending it.

PrincessScarlett · 18/08/2018 22:01

So sorry you are going through this OP. Relieved you have decided to get rid. 10 plus women is disgusting and blaming it on his depression is disgusting.

When he cries and begs stay strong. I would be tempted to tell his family the whole sordid truth to stop them putting pressure on you as well (he'll only tell them half truths).

You must think of you and the kids. He certainly wasn't thinking of the kids when he invited women in while they slept.

Rtmhwales · 18/08/2018 22:03

Nothing to add to this, just really feeling for you OP. So sorry this hppened to you and your DDs.

Guiltypleasures001 · 18/08/2018 22:29

Oh and book an sti check

ExCharlieBucket · 18/08/2018 23:05

Youre not married - and youre the main breadwinner - no question, bin him off and change the locks.

the house - is it in joint names?

Original poster
IndiaBound · 19/08/2018 05:00

Thanks all

Everything is in my name, he's never really had a penny saved but that has never bothered me in love.

I'm thinking pulling him aside on Friday, away from the kids and telling him. He can then eff off with his friends to his gig. If he wants somewhere to stay, there's an app for that!

Don't worry, anyone who comes accusing me will get a sordid summary, he's totally effed up a delightful family, can't believe it!

As you can probably gather, getting a lot of sleep at present! Groan

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 19/08/2018 12:12

I’d be making it clear to just about everyone why you’re leaving him. I made the mistake of not telling people about my ex, in my mind I was keeping the moral high ground. All it actually did was give home opportunity to play the victim and his friends tried to talk me round. I should have told everyone and got the support I needed.

Original poster
IndiaBound · 19/08/2018 12:34

Thanks.

Tears today when we're alone. Not doing it 200 miles from home but also not giving any false hope.

Tomorrow I'll be out of this situation and will string him along to get the kids home then make it quite simple.

OP posts:
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